Voyeurism and secrecy

I would like to make a confession because this agonizes me right now. It might get a bit long and I think it might trigger someone. I accidentally found porn on an old tablet and got an adrenaline rush, that put the topic into my mind.

I don't know were to start and how to call it. I have a very strong affinity towards voyeurism and secrecy and this is not porn induced but it is wired to my very early sexual experiences and my sex life.

For example: It started earlier but during my senior high school time I lived in an shared flat with my girlfriend and two other girls. Needless to say, everyone in the apartment was very sexual active and hearing it gave me a huge adrenaline rush. Like going to the toilet and hearing obvious noises made my senses very keen and I got so excited, that I trembled.

This evolved to a fetish. When I was awake, I hoped for it... At that times it was also ok in my relationship to sleep with each other, while we were asleep. The problem was, that this was mixed with the incredible excitement of my voyeurism and so I developed a fetish for sex with a sleeping women of course with (meta)consent. I know, meta consent is a topic, people can fight about and I don't want that here. )

Later this evolved into an urge to look at my sleeping girlfriend and see her sleeping naked. This peaked when I had the urge to take a picture without knowing what to do with the picture. It was not to have a nude picture, nor to look at one. It was for the sole purpose to get the adrenaline rush to do a secret forbidden act. I got the adrenaline rush and deleted the picture. This made me so incredibly horny...

Feeling that this was a betrayal of trust and such a powerful feeling nonetheless, makes me very shameful and uncomfortable. I fear that this will accompany me my whole life. It was not a huge problem in any relationship, because I bring it up and I am open with it. Consent and trust is very important for me.

But there are real problems for me:
* a part of my sexuality happens, when my partner is not really involved
* hearing neighbors having sex freaks me out. I get this adrenaline rush, I got 15 years ago...
* I have the tendency to watch for opportunities for voyeurism. This is a burden. It is tiring.
* Although waking up a girlfriend with foreplay can be a facet in my sex life, I feel like I am walking on a thin line. (After talking about it of course)
* This is linked to shame.
* There is hardly anything else, which causes such extreme physical reactions. That's strange.

 

Hand up, done exactly the same thing when my wife is asleep.

I still have the pictures, don't know what to do.

 

Creepshot is a good word for it and i had to laugh a bit, because there is a name for it. I think it is indeed a bit creepy and a betrayal of trust, because our partners should feel safe and they should sleep without worries beside us. What helps me, is to bring it up and try to find similar things as substitutes in order to take the secret part that fascinates me out of it.

I do not take pictures anymore. I think that's also good for my own good. And I think, finding such pictures on a phone is a bad situation.

 

You have to delete them. It's the right thing to do and will help your recovery.