Jagliana's Journal | An S.O's perspective

DAY 625: 10/16/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we didn't talk too much, my client had sent me work, so I began the downloads etc., so we spoke about our day and how it was a good day and how happy both of us have been that we can talk about anything these days, we never get bored and that has been amazing. Then he told me he wasn't too happy with how his meal turned out, to me it was good, only the brown rice was a bit undercooked but brown rice is annoying to make 'perfect'. Then he topped off my night and help my headache/backache with a foot and back rub, which I really enjoyed and appreciate so much.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Boost Your Self Esteem”, in this episode, we learn how to boost your self-esteem with an incredibly simple blueprint. Remember, tale care of how you speak to yourself because you are listening.

This morning, Wade had to work, so I walked alone, I was debating whether to walk or not because of the work I have to do... but last night Wade said something "I think you should walk, to get relaxed before starting the day" and I listened to his good advice, I'm happy I did because after the morning I had with my two kids, I NEEDED that walk to decompress before diving into work. During my walk I listened to "Why Sun, Sex, and Sleep Are All You Need" an interview with Carl Lanore, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Carl Lanore is the host of Superhuman Radio which has been on for over thirteen years, during this very interesting [and highly recommended listen, by me, for everyone!] interview he discusses many things, such as; his evolutionary view of health and the three S’s of wellness. They go over his life story and how one passage, in one book change his life forever. He was gifted, by his ex-wife Ageless Beauty, Timeless Mind by Deepak Chopra, in that book he says "Every cell in your body turns over anywhere from six weeks to six months you know bone slower tissue faster and I thought if this is true how do I best put myself in a position for those new cells to be healthy as opposed to the sick ones that are in my heart." Also, his distrust of traditional organized medical authority, applying critical thinking first in researching anything, the Keto craze from an evolutionary perspective and why it is actually bad for you, understanding that it takes a long time to get better, non-antibiotic remedies for "gut problems", the gut is the immune system, the three S’s: Sun, Sleep, Sex, willing to be vulnerable, and diet and sleep are the wheelhouses for optimum health. He even breaks down why a lot of people wake up consistently at like 2 or 3 am; something I've suffered with for years no matter how much NyQuil or Melatonin I take... I will try his advice. Plus... the extra benefits of sex for the health of both partners, other than exercise and fun lol.

My client sent me a lot of work, so I will be making short entries this week due to the time crunch I am under.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Remembered a cute exchange with Wade last night, when we were getting something to send to a lab and it made me LOL again, felt good, but I did prob look like a nut.

#Self-Care
How To Build Self Esteem

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 626: 10/17/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Wade.
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Last night, we didn't talk too much, after sitting for hours destroying my back, I mean working. Wade offered up a back rub that felt so damn good. As he rubbed my back we talked minimally about our days and how happy he has been, I have been too... I just hate saying it out loud, it seems like something always gets in the way right after LOL. Afterward, he told me to stop working, so we watch tv until he had to leave for work and I went straight to sleep.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Problems Everyone Has With Dreaming Big And How To Solve Them”, in this episode, we hear several speakers talking about the magic of thinking and dreaming big. Remember, if you can dream it you can do it.

This morning, the weather was too horrible for me to walk, but I don't feel too guilty about it as I have a boatload of work to catch up on. When Wade got home, he surprised me with my favorite latte, which was very sweet of him and he made me breakfast before going to bed, which I appreciated too. While I worked I listened to "If You Want to Live a Long-Ass Life, Watch This" an interview with Jason Prall, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Jason, is the filmmaker behind The Human Longevity Project, during this interview, they discuss the legitimacy behind alternative ways of healing, why there’s no universal solution to health and the keys to living a long life. Some of the topics they covered were collecting evidence before trying something new, why certain health practices work and others don’t, why the same food affects you differently at different times, simplification equals longevity, how the external environment determines your internal state, everything you do affects your health, trauma becomes a part of your genes, your past experiences shape you who you are, why it’s important to feel pain, and why Gratitude is everything.

Now... back to work!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Feeling like I was on Wade's mind a lot as of late, but especially today feels good.

#Motivational
DREAM BIG

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 627: 10/18/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, he gave me another wonderful backrub after my many hours of working (aka destroying my back). During the massage, I told him all about the phone call his sister-in-law and I had earlier in the day. It was an earful lmao but he promised not to repeat any of this back to her or his family.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Think Faster Under Pressure And Always Say the Right Thing”, in this episode, we get some great tips on how to think faster when you're under pressure, so you always say the right thing. Remember, better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

This morning, as I was getting my kids ready for school, I opened the microwave and found a cup of lemon water. I immediately sent him a message to thank him because I thought that was sweet. Then, to my surprise, he was honest right away and said he actually made it for himself the night before and forgot about. I really appreciated that because it just shows me that he wants to be honest with me about everything because this would have been an easy "win" for him, to just take the credit and run with it. That means more to me than assuming the lemon water was left for me, on purpose. After dropping off the girls at school, we went for our walk and listened to "How to Take Control of Your Reality" an interview with Isaac Lidsky, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Isaac Lidsky has been a child actor, Supreme Court litigator, entrepreneur, best-selling author, and just happens to be blind. After losing his sight to a rare degenerative disease in his early years he learned the power of not just simply seeing the world for what it is but mentally manifesting what you want it to be and executing. This was a true eye-opening (no pun intended) interview, where a blind man teaches us how to see, in all the ways the truly count. During this interview, they discussed, how losing his sight helped him see the world in a new way, dealing with your inner critic, his decision-making process during difficult moments, and how he built his own reality despite obstacles and noise. Best quote for me? "Every moment of your life is a choice. How do you want to spend that moment? Who do you want to be? It is not the circumstances we confront that dictate the lives we experience."

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Some triggers, but I was able to push them down.

#Self-Care
How To Think 10X Faster Under Pressure

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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Wow, thank you for your kind words Ash, I appreciate them and you. Writing has really been a pivotal step in my healing. I never wanted to share my story, I was too afraid and ashamed. However, when I began writing the words just started flowing out, which took so much weight off my shoulders as I carried so much, all alone and putting it all out there has changed my life for the better. It gives me an anonymous space to vent, be completely honest (no matter how confusing or nutty some posts can be) and hopefully allow others to use my story to help them in their journey.

This is a process of plenty of up's and down's and it has been good to have this journal, I highly recommend that you do it, it will really help you, even if you don't know where to start, just sit down in front of this blank screen and start at the beginning.

Again, thank you so much and I wish you peace and luck in your healing!
-- Jag

 

DAY 628: 10/19/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Wade 2.0.
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Last night, he surprised me with another double whammy again; backrub (with some talking) and then a foot rub while watching some TV, he tells me to stop saying this... but I do feel spoiled, I just can not get used to this being my new normal, him treating me this way, doing so much for me, no longer ignoring me. The change he has gone through is unbelievable, like if you would have described this man to me, 2 years ago and then said "sounds wonderful, you're lucky that's your husband" - I would have spit out my drink while laughing out loud, adding a "YEAH RIGHT!". The guy whom I had to beg for attention, even a foot rub, to the point of me saying 'forget it'... the one who wouldn't have really cared that I worked for 8+ hours causing my back symptoms to worsen, that guy would never have offered a back rub to help relieve some of that pain, he wouldn't have empathized nor cared to 'help'. I am really so grateful for the man he has become thanks to this recovery and self-care. It is a total and complete turnaround! and yes we still have some setbacks here and there but I think the biggest difference for me is honesty and in the same breath our communication (ability to do so). If you would have told me that this man, who lied to me about all things; big and small, would tell me the truth about everything, even if it upsets me... I would have rolled my eyes and 'yeah, uh-huh', then laughed in your face... but to my surprise, this is who he has become. As silly as this is for some; to me, it speaks volumes and has given me a pivotal shift, I can feel it inside... for him to admit to me that he didn't leave the lemon water out for me, instead of taking the credit - that move right there, shows me many things: 1) he chooses not to lie, even when it would have been so easy and I wouldn't find out 2) he is no longer in the business of manipulating me. This most definitely shows me that he no longer has the urge to lie to me, it is not something he wants to do under any circumstance. To me, honesty and being trustworthy means more than anything else. Who knew something as small and silly as a forgotten glass of lemon water would pack so much behind it LOL, especially because most people would be stuck on him not leaving me water after all. In any event, this really puts things in a better perspective for me for this upcoming cruise that I was a nervous wreck about. I was already trying to do mental gymnastics and trying to turn my nerves/fear into excitement, but now that I felt that shift - whatever did it, whether it was the water or our recent talks, I can most definitely say that I feel like I am in a much better and calmer place going into it, that he is going there for me, for us and hopefully we'll really enjoy the time we have with each other and have minimal interruptions with setbacks/triggers.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Overcome The Fear Of Rejection And Failure”, in this episode, we listen in as Brendon Burchard talks about how to overcome the fear of rejection and failure. Remember, if you live for people's acceptance, you will die from their rejection.

This morning, my parents came in and gave me a nice throbbing headache, just as they were heading out with Wade, he had to take them to the doctors today. Of course, that meant I had to skip my walk, which sucked because I got no mental break today. The older one was in her room and keeping busy, but the little one, my God, there's a lot of noise pollution lol. Once I finally got some this game to work on my little one's tablet which kept erroring out, I had a moment to decompress. Tom Bilyeu posted a compilation video that was of course, awesome, "Try These Mindset Hacks to Find Your Passion and Conquer Your Goals". There was a lot of good advice and info packed into one 30 minute clip, worth a listen, the speakers featured were Lilly Singh, Marie Forleo, Trent Shelton, Jay Shetty, Wim Hof, and John Assaraf and they share their favorite mindset hacks, best tips, and stories.

I can't wait for tomorrow, Wade is home all day and night!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How grateful I've been feeling about us.

#Self-Care
The Rejection Myth: How to Overcome Fear of Rejection

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 629: 10/20/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Wade's Honesty.
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Last night, Wade vented some more about the time spent with my dad, while taking them to a doctor's appointment. I vented too because he did them a favor, and in my opinion they took advantage, acted inconsiderate and selfish too, knowing he had to go to sleep... they kept him there for hours longer than anticipated. We also talked about how he felt about my honest journal post yesterday, how happy he was to read it and I am happy that my post gave him a good feeling, it was just me speaking my truth.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “The Truth About Positive And Negative Thinking”, in this episode, Jim Rohn gives us a great lesson on why both positive and negative thinking is normal and necessary. Remember, we become what we think about.

This morning, we decided to take the little one to the mall, so she can release some energy at the indoor playground. On the ride there we began listening to "Why Your Gut Is Your Second Brain" an interview with Emeran Mayer, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Emeran Mayer, a gastroenterologist, and author of The Mind-Gut Connection discusses how our diet impacts our gut, and how our gut impacts our life. During this interview, so far, they've discussed how stress impacts gut interactions, the interaction between the “big brain” and the “second brain”, can we actually rebuild the diversity in our microbiomes? do fecal transplants work? how our diet changes our microbiome, gut and brain health, and Tom and Lisa’s experience with the ketogenic diet. While I walked, I listened to "A story of porn addiction and recovery" a speech by Noah B.E. Church. This video was recommended to me by Wade and after watching it, I understood why he liked it so much. Noah gives us his story of his PA, how much harm can be caused by your porn usage habits and how recovery is possible. He started using Internet porn around age 9 and experienced several symptoms (Porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED), reduced libido for real partners, difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner, escalation to extreme sexual preferences, emotional numbness and difficulty forming relationships ...just to name a few.) for years before realizing what his problem really was. Since quitting porn at the end of 2013, he has healed from hid porn-induced erectile dysfunction and delayed ejaculation, and in the process, he discovered that porn use had been restricting his full potential for happiness, relationships, and personal achievement. He is a very good speaker and engaging too, I felt a little awkward in the beginning when the audience kept laughing every time he mentioned porn, but then as soon as they realized how big of a problem it can be... they were paying more attention.

When we got into the car, he told me that a video he watched, of a former porn star who left and is now talking about her shame and the industry, made him feel something, he told me about the video last night, but just today realized something was triggered. He didn't get the urge to PM, but because he recognized the porn star and recalled watching and PMing to the video she mentioned in the interview, he started remembering the good "feelings" associated with those 'times'. He said he was considering whether or not to tell me, because of his shame and he was afraid it would trigger me, I told him (after he asked multiple times) -- had he kept it to himself for days, allowing me to feel something was off between us and then I would have been filling in the blanks myself, then maybe (or not) if he would have brought it up at the point, I could/would have gotten triggered. But it wouldn't have been because of what he was telling me, but because he waited, kept it "secret" and THAT would have triggered me for sure the secret/lie and the "what else has he been deceiving me about". I'm glad he opted to be forthright and tell me what was bothering him and why. I think we had a good and rational exchange about his feelings and my thoughts, it was good.


What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
How good it feels when Wade is forthright and honest with me.

#Motivational
Positive & Negative thinking

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 630: 10/21/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we skipped talking because we spoke earlier. We went to watch The Walking Dead and he gave me a nice foot rub. Afterward, we did speak for a few minutes in bed about how surreal it is having such an open and honest line of communication.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Overcome Self-Doubt And Fear”, in this episode, we get tips on how to overcome self-doubt and fear, so you can finally take your life to the next level. Remember, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

This morning, Wade went to his PT and I dropped the girls off at school. There my attention was flagged by the PTA president, who just so happens to be the prime Wade used to ogle nonstop at any school function. Seeing her didn't trigger me too much, I guess because her talking to me kept my brain in "hear and respond" mode. She told me that Wade could volunteer at the kid's picture day, to mention he was working with her when he comes in. After I nodded and told her I would pass along the message to Wade; walked back and got in my car, my mind immediately snapped right into trigger mode "she is going to be waltzing around him, all day and most likely in yoga pants or super tight jeans" -- "a dream come true for him because if she is running around, bending over to adjust kids for the photos, he could 'accidentally' slip from time to time, no harm no foul". I consider her one of his primes, so a huge "threat". For a few years now, he made it clear that he preferred giving all of his attention to her, I'm not exaggerating when I say he would ogle to the point of desperation, sometimes with me right next to him or holding my hand. It made me feel so small like I was not good enough, not thin enough, not 'hot' enough... the nonstop questioning of myself, even in my states of numbness! ... all the thoughts like: "why the f*ck is he still with me, just go and be with her or go find yourself, someone, you actually prefer, want, and desire, because obviously, it's not me". We spent some time talking about all that, he was making his case that nowadays she triggers bad memories of what he put me through, that physically she no longer does anything for him and all he thinks about it me. Unfortunately, I just don't buy it, even if he won't intentionally seek her out to ogle, if she just happens to bend over in front of him, I am sure he won't be 'disgusted' if he slips. I told him, I've already pictured and played out in my head all of the various scenarios that could occur, of course, he disagreed, but I don't expect him to go "yeah if I slip, I'll enjoy it". I know I could never compete with her in his eyes, she's the 'type' he has always preferred and made that very clear at every single school function and I'm certain she has noticed him ogling before and probably thought, as I do when I catch oglers with their women by their side, "wow, I feel so sorry for her, her man isn't happy with her, that's why his eyes are all over me, poor thing!". Anyway, we got to an impasse and I told him at this point, we are beating a dead horse. So, we moved onto finishing "Why Your Gut Is Your Second Brain" an interview with Emeran Mayer, on Health Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Emeran Mayer, a gastroenterologist, and author of The Mind-Gut Connection discusses how our diet impacts our gut, and how our gut impacts our life. During this interview, they've discussed why gut health is essential for serotonin production, how our gut influences depression and anxiety, the impact of meditation on the gut, the top 3 things that influence our gut health, how Viome helped Lisa’s complicated gut health, and the ONE thing you should do right now to improve your health. This one had a lot of scientific jargon, so it was a little difficult to follow, but if you are interested in gut health, this is for you. It was a good thing because I needed that distraction to calm my trigger, but it's going to be on and off all week, I'm sure of it.

Then we got home and began minimally packing for the upcoming cruise after we did a little of that we continued watching "The Expanse" on Amazon Prime, season 3 already and we are still sitting at the edge of our seats in anticipation of what's coming next. This has been an awesome show and for the SO's on here, nothing triggering, I don't even think there were any sex scenes, maybe minimal hints towards it here and there, but this is a great show for couples to watch together. I can't wait to continue watching tonight!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I was triggered but was able to calm myself through distraction.

#Motivational
How to Beat Self-Doubt

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 631: 10/22/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we did not talk, instead, he treated me to a lovely foot rub while we watch TV and then such a soothing back rub right before bed. Sometimes, I do feel spoiled but I can't object to it because, well, it feels so good.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Stop People Pleasing And Constantly Doing Too Much”, in this episode, Kate Maree O'Brien talks with us about how to stop people-pleasing and take your power back over your life. Remember, I can't tell you the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

This morning, on the ride there we began listening to "How to Go From Rock Bottom to the Top" an interview with Lori Harder, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Fitness world champion Lori Harder has learned the highs and lows are all necessary for real change. Growing up an overweight outcast lead to bullying and crippling anxiety set her on the transformative path to achieving the body, mind, and happiness she always wanted. She is the author of A Tribe Called Bliss and here she explains why your lowest points are always lessons in disguise. So far, during this interview, they've discussed the bullying from her childhood and the motivation it provided, then Lori breaks down reinventing her mentality and finding purpose in helping others, and she talks about anxiety and balancing her drive for success with the love of the journey. We were going to continue listening as we walked, but halfway there I realized I had forgotten our headphones! ugh, I felt so annoyed at myself because I usually am the one who remembers to grab them. Anyway, we ended up talking as we walked and then continued during our brunch at Barnes & Noble. The topic was a touchy one and a throne at my side and probably his (although he won't say so). It was about the picture day chaos I'm feeling, expecting and triggered about... him spending all day with the prime PTA mom he found so much more enticing than he ever did me. I won't go into too much detail because as I mentioned, this is a tired subject and I've explained myself before and I'm not a fan of beating a dead horse. After a while, he told me he would just cancel and not go, after a long back and forth on the topic, but then that put me right into shame and guilt. Now, I felt that because of the truth I told him about my thoughts, feelings, and well - trigger, now he would rather miss out on volunteering and connecting with our girls because of ME and then my brain throws in "plus, but maybe he is canceling because he knows he can not control himself around her". There's a lot there, it is difficult to really explain, my brain works how it works and I can not help the thoughts that overflow within me, there is so much fear, shame, pain, etc. when it involves that 'threat'. In any event, the long talk we had, as difficult and uncomfortable as it was -- it was a conversation that needed to be had. Perhaps, as Wade told me, it was a good thing that I forgot the headphones.

Now, I need to put emotions aside because the girls will be home from school soon and we have so much to do today.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
I got extra vulnerable, although I wasn't in the mood to do so.

#Motivational
How to Stop Being An Over Functioning People Pleaser

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 632: 10/23/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we did not talk, we had a very deep conversation in the morning. Our evening was super busy with packing for the cruise and after we put the girls to bed, we watched some TV before he went to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “You Got This!”, in this episode, Freddy Fri who uses hip hop, poetry, spoken word, speech, and storytelling to motivate you into believing that 'you got this' and 'you can do this!'. Today's message is entitled You Got This! Remember, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

This morning, we finished listening to "How to Go From Rock Bottom to the Top" an interview with Lori Harder, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Fitness world champion Lori Harder has learned the highs and lows are all necessary for real change. As they continued, Lori shares her life-changing revelations after getting kidnapped in Cancun, she details staying hungry and finding balance after achieving success, then gives advice to women unhappy with their body and people looking to rewrite their story, and discusses her book’s key principles for developing self-awareness. One quote that really stood out and I really agree with is “Without those really hard times you just don't get the euphoria on the other side.” This one opened a good conversation about gossiping, bullying, etc. because she brought the topic up, but Wade had also just read about it in his Brene Brown book and was excited to share. Then we stopped by Barnes & Noble to pick up a magazine because it was my tearsheet, I worked on the cover and many of the spreads inside. I wasn't going to say anything to the cashier, but Wade said "she worked on this one!" and sounded so excited, it was so cute.

The cruise is 4 days away, I feel both excited and anxious - however, a lot of my thoughts about the cruise keep being overshadowed about my fears for this Friday, sigh.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The joy I felt when Wade was excited about seeing my published work.

#Motivational
Freddy Fri - You Can Do This!

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---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 633: 10/24/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Work.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, Wade read a few pages of his Brene Brown book to me about gossip, bullying and stereotyping. They were interesting points (obviously, it's Brene) and really played into some of the stuff we heard earlier in the day on Impact Theory. Unfortunately, I think it is impossible to never stereotype because some things are so engraved within us, that no matter how difficult we try, in a time of anger, crisis or annoyance, those pre-stored "info" are just there. Maybe it's just me, but I'm looking at it realistically. He also gave me a lovely foot rub AND back rub (score!), again I don't feel I deserve it but appreciate it very much.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Quickly Boost Your Self Esteem”, in this episode, several well known motivational speakers talk about how to quickly boost your self-esteem. Remember, having a low opinion of yourself is not modesty, it's self-destruction.

This morning, Wade had PT and I had to help my parents with a phone call and work. The initial plan was he gets home, lays down for a power nap and after I was done helping my parents - I'd wake him up and we'd go spend some time walking together and then buy some miscellaneous stuff for our trip. However, he was super tired and even me walking around, working and jumping in the shower didn't even nudge him. I figured he was really tired, so... I decided to just let him sleep and take care of everything myself. When he woke up, he was a bit disappointed that I didn't wake him up, but I wanted to do this for him - so, oh well.

Now he will be getting some dinner and we'll be finishing Wreck-It Ralph 2.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Let Wade sleep and still got what I needed to be done, done.

#Motivational
5 Secrets To Quickly BOOST Your Self Esteem!

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 634: 10/25/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) My Eldest.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we didn't talk, we went to watch some TV while he gave me a foot rub. He did pause in the middle of the show and we spoke for a bit before continuing again. What he said was very sweet and other points he made, he said they bring him shame for even thinking those thoughts, I understand them though because I've thought them too.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Control Your Thoughts So You Can Control Your Life”, in this episode, we learn how to control your thoughts so you can control your life. Remember, you either control your mind or it controls you.

Today my oldest turns 12! omg, where did the time fly?! I feel so old now, but I wish my bright, beautiful and witty girl the best birthday, as we try to make it a happy day for her.

This morning, Wade went to volunteer at picture day and I definitely needed to walk because of it. As I walked, I listened to "If You Can't Ditch Social Media Entirely, Try This Instead" an interview with Steve Aoki, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Steve is a monster producer, musician, and label-owner and has not only achieved incredible success in the music industry but has managed to constantly reinvent himself to stay just ahead of global trends. During this interview, he shares the secrets to lasting success, his own family story, and his advice for anyone who finds themselves feeling stuck, jaded or cynical. They discussed what keeps him going at age 40, the need to connect and make an impact, the compulsion to achieve greatness as positive, how he created the space to be free and to follow his passion, how he really appreciates his father’s, tough love, how he reinvents himself in music, cynicism and how he avoids it, he also shares his advice for people who have gotten jaded and explains how he deals with failure when it’s so common. It was a good interview, not as enlightening as some of the others I've listened to but good nonetheless. Maybe it is because I was distracted the whole time too, I don't know. The rolling thoughts of Wade being around one of his primes aka tier ogling prospects all day was driving me up the wall. He did message me a couple of times, I guess trying to ease my running thoughts but it wasn't helping. All I could think about was him and her, together. How he is probably trying so hard to control himself but every time he see's her, he really has the urge to ogle and I don't even want to describe the rest of the thoughts I'm assuming he is having about her each time he sees, the visuals are enraging me. I bet he was also "slipping" left and right. Last night, he also gave me some unneeded descriptions and sound effects of what he used to think when she passed by, which unfortunately made a great addition to the images I already had in my head today... because instead of just visuals, I had sound effects too. I won't go into details of all the triggering thoughts I'm thinking about all that because it makes my trigger worse. He finished and is running some errands, I thought I would do him a solid and warn him not to be touchy today or give me compliments/sweet nothings because, with the vivid picture I'm looping through, of his day with 'her' today, it will only make things worse because I feel like it is being done to "soften the blow". What sucks is now, I'm closer to the "anxious/be scared" version of myself about the cruise we go on in two days, instead of the excitement and calm I was really working at achieving. Whatever... I just hope I can distract myself enough to calm down by the time my kids get home from school because I do not want to ruin my daughter's day.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Trying to really distract myself to bring this trigger down in order to be present for my daughter.

#Relationships
Liza Shaw: Marriage 2.0 -- a system update for lifelong relationships

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 635: 10/26/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Surprise for the kids.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke on and off about how I felt all morning while he was spending that time at the kid's picture day, with the prime pta mom he used to ogle nonstop no matter who was around in the past. Of course, he explained things from his vantage point and I explained them from how they are perceived by me. We obviously have different opinions and don't agree with the other, not on this. In the back of my mind, I am glad he was able to spend time with our girls, help them take pictures, help out the school and even get a free photo package because of it. However, when my mind flashes the ** remember SHE was there with him! ** reminder, everything else goes dark and my mind and emotions take over from that point on and it hurts because I don't feel like I will physically ever we enough for him or what he truly wants/desires. While we were on and off talking, he gave me the hair salon treatment and when he was done I felt like I wasn't 100 anymore.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “15 Brilliant Ways To Go About Dealing With Difficult People”, in this episode, we learn 15 brilliant ways to go about dealing with difficult people. Remember, be thankful for all the difficult people in your life. They have shown you exactly who you don't want to be.

This morning, during our walk we listened to "Shift Into a Powerful Mindset at Any Time, in Any Situation" an interview with David Bayer, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. David Bayer has made it his life’s mission to help people actually unwind their limiting beliefs. He believes that the personal growth and self-help industry have done a great job of leading people to self-awareness, but being aware of limiting beliefs and actually knowing how to unwind them are two very different things. During this conversation, we learn how we can change the habitual methods of thinking that we are addicted to, how beliefs are formed and how beliefs trap people, how to unwind limiting beliefs, what causes people to regress are thoughts that are simply untrue, how at any given time, you are only paying attention to what you believe, he explains how to use visualization to figure out what you really want, he shares his story of overcoming addiction, and he describes the exact steps necessary to shift into a powerful state. It was a good one, his theories and concepts make sense, if you can access your rational mind faster than your trigger hits and takes over, I am not sure if that is possible.

When we got home, we got our girls ready for their surprise! since their birthdays are two days apart, I booked them a special Descendants Glam Party. My little one (and big one too) have been obsessed with the movies and all of the songs. They both loved meeting Mal and Evie! who then did their makeup, hair, and nails! they sang songs together and had a pizza party too. The whole time they all kept shouting happy birthday, both our girls felt so special and really enjoyed themselves and we loved how happy and excited they were. I had to fight some huge triggers (moms that were in there too). It was very challenging but somehow I managed to still remain present and pull myself back in with various distractions, I had to for the sake of our girls. On the one hand, it did feel good that Wade was the only dad there and active, present and enjoying the whole event - unlike in the past. He was just as happy as I was that the girls loved the surprise. I don't know if he had any slips there, but I definitely had triggers and I hate having to constantly worry that he can see us side by side which easily reminds him of everything I am not, everything I will never be and how much more "appealing" he finds them. He told me that no one 'bothered' him there, but I saw them, so... I doubt that. Anyway, overall it was an awesome day for our girls and that is the most important part.

Tomorrow we leave for our cruise, my stomach is in knots and I do not know what to expect. All my work on trying to be excited, upbeat and positive ... well, I'd say 70% of that has turned back towards the negative end... I'm scared that there will be a heap of triggers and I will not be able to enjoy myself because all I will be concerned about is "what is he thinking?" "Does he want her?" "Is he trying to control himself because that's who he really wants"... when my mind goes there, it is difficult to be "happy" and "calm". I'm constantly having to pull myself back and doing that, all the time is really exhausting. I hope I am wrong and everything will be fine, but I just don't think it will be the case.

Because we will be out at sea, my journal will be on hold, instead, I will be writing daily there and then combine it all for an update to post here, when we are back.

Bon Voyage!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
The joy I felt watching my girls react to their surprise.

#Self-Care
15 Ways Intelligent People Deal With Difficult and Toxic People

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 636-644: 10/27-11/03/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Vacation.
---------------------------------------------------

This is going to be a compilation of my daily mini-journals from my week on our cruise vacation:

10/27/2019:
This morning I felt better after the talk Wade and I had the night before. We were on the way to the cruise terminal and I felt my anxiety of all of the uncertainty rising. However, I am happy to report that today, my little one's 5th birthday and the first day of our cruise was actually a good day. There were some minor triggers and some Wade thought were going to be big ones but for some reason I didn't react to them, I felt some were 'meh' but he said he would have ogled them before. Anyway, the whole day and night Wade kept showering me with kisses, sweet talk and expressing to me how grateful and happy he feels to be here with me. The crazy thing is both of us got this weird eerie feeling because this ship is practically a clone of one of our worst cruises before recovery. It's a bit surreal but regardless, today was actually, unbelievably a good day.

What I liked about myself, today:
Bypassed minor triggers and started the cruise on a good note

10/28/2019:
Today, was another good day, of course not without minor triggers but those passed quickly. The highlight of today was the lovely (and super filling) dinner we had at their Brazilian Restaurant on board. Both of us ate way too much lol! The food wasn't the big highlight though, it was our talk and we were both in such a good place, enjoying each other's company that we couldn't help smiling a ton and laughing so much and so hard that his cheeks began to hurt and I kept tearing up (happy tears). It was awesome.

What I liked about myself, today:
How liberating/freeing it felt to actually enjoy ourselves without triggers.

10/29/2019:
Today, while everyone else went out to port, we decided to hang back and have a family day poolside. All of us had a good time and I didn't have any major triggers. Wade got to go on some crazy slides with our eldest and I played with our little one in the kid's area. It was time well spent and nice.

What I liked about myself, today:
Went poolside - didn't get triggered!

10/30/2019:
Today, we went to the ship's private island and this one is the worst due to the crazy amount of Rick's in the sand, water, etc. Anyway, the wait to get on the tender boat was horrific too. We made the best out of the beach experience. The girls had fun playing in the sand, swimming and creating at with the sand art kit I got them. There were a few moderate triggers there, but luckily between the kids and my parents, there were a lot of distractions.

What I liked about myself, today:
How this Swimsuit fits/looks on me.

10/31/2019:
Today, we went to our favorite beach in Nassau Bahamas, Blue Lagoon. It's a small beach with minimal rocks, soft sand, and some shade. Not to mention you can take family photos with dolphins for $40, cheaper than swimming with them (and 14 other people for 5 mins each). When we first got to the beach there weren't too many triggers for me, I initially thought one was but turns out it was a young teen dressed like she was 21+, which eased my trigger. There were a few others that to me were 'meh' in my opinion but I know Wade would have had his eyes on them in the past, regardless. I thought at one point I saw him struggling not to 'slip' when he was in the water but he claims he doesn't know who I am referring to. He did say he had a lot of slips because it's a beach and people are everywhere... However, there were guys there too and somehow I manage to not 'slip' on anyone. Aside from all that we actually spent hours more there than usual and had some fun family time.

Later in the evening we all got dolled up for Halloween. Wade and I were out of the 1920's era and our girls were Disney. We did some family activities, collected some candy and had some fun. During dinner, Wade and I spoke about our day and he, of course, was full of compliments towards me. I still can't get used to so much attention from him, especially on this ship, it's such a surreal experience.

What I liked about myself, today:
Feeling good about the compliments I was getting about my costume.

11/01/2019:
Today, overall it was a good day, only one incident in the evening, Wade was at the casino. I stood with him as long as I could before my feet got tied. Then I went to sit and listen to a live concert. Everything was okay until the singers began singing a love song. I felt this weird gut feeling, then it hit me, in this replica ship... I began remembering being in this exact position, pre-recovery. The night when I felt so alone after listening to songs myself, eventually getting tired of seeing other couples enjoying each other, I left and went up to the top deck where depressing thoughts took over. I know my situation is different right now, but the feeling is not good, kind of triggering. When he did come there I told him about it.

What I liked about myself, today:
Figuring out I was in the middle of a situational trigger and not having it escalate and ruin my mood.

11/02/2019:
Today, was a really relaxing day. We spent most of the time packing and tying up loose ends. We had a great lunch where our eldest came up with a fun game to play while we wait for our food. For dinner we decided to go back to the steakhouse because it was delicious, it was just the two of us. We had some small talk and also shared our reflections about the week.

What I liked about myself, today:
No triggers!

11/03/2019:
We arrived back home and it seems like that's when the fun end, quite abruptly I might add. A lot of small unpleasantries occurred, nothing recovery-related but just life. Anyway, so my summary of the cruise is that is was nothing like I was worried and getting myself amped up about. Wade, really put me as a priority and I felt that, even on days where there were some minor triggers here and there. I would have to say that by far, this has been the best cruise/vacation we had since, well, ever. This even tops last year's trip, we were so connected with each other and it seemed like we did everything together besides bathroom breaks. We felt like a real couple in love and for once we both felt like we were connected as a family with our girls. I can't say that I won't get anxious before another trip 'anymore' but after this one, I actually want to go on another one if money permits.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Happy that the cruise was a success.

#Self-Care
Try These Mindset Hacks to Find Your Passion and Conquer Your Goals

---------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------
Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
---------------------------------------------------

 

DAY 645: 11/04/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we did not talk, we watched some Netflix and he gave me a foot rub, it felt so good - I did miss them! especially after so much walking.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “5 Helpful Tips On When It’s Time To Cut A Toxic Family Member Out Of Your Life”, in this episode, we get 5 tips on when it's time to cut a toxic family member out of your life. 1. When it becomes abusive, 2. When the relationship has become one-sided, 3. When it starts to affect your health, 4. When it gives you negative feelings, and 5. When it affects other areas of your life. Remember, the people in your life either drain your energy, or they help to inspire you so that you have more. That is why you must choose carefully.

This morning, it was really cold but we decided to walk locally, which meant outside because we just had so much that needed to get done. During our walk, we began listening to "How to Transform Your Brain, Overcome Trauma, and Live in the Moment" an interview with Jason Silva, on Conversations with Tom Bilyeu. Jason is a Venezuelan American television personality, filmmaker, futurist, philosopher, and public speaker. He is known for hosting National Geographic documentaries: Brain Games and Origins. This is the first episode of Conversations with Tom Bilyeu, a new format and this conversation lasted about two hours, so we did not get through the whole thing. So far Tom discussed why he wanted to start a new format, Jason talks about ego and watching someone else shine, mirroring, comparing and leaving a constrained world, then Tom violently disagrees with the idea that it’s enough to impact one person, Jason advocates being ok with failure, they discuss mental health, personal crises, and excessive self-consciousness, how the ego becomes calcified, how “accepting limitations is liberation”, Tom advocates just picking something if you can’t find your passion, Jason talks about minimizing future regret, the importance of being able to make good snap decisions, and how psychedelic drugs are treating PTSD. His explanation about triggers, trauma, and PTSD was familiar ground for me and I found it very relatable, especially after this cruise. His concept of being present in the current, rather than staying in the trauma allows for new experiences and memories to be made and slowly replace the negative ones. Which is how I feel now, after this vacation.

Then we were able to get done a whole host of to-do's that we had to get done today and it felt good that we were able to get it done.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Getting so much done in a day.

#Self-Care
When To Cut Toxic Family Members From Your Life

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 646: 11/05/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, Wade really spoiled me with a backrub followed by a foot rub and yes it feels fantastic and relieves my pain, however, I feel like I don't deserve it. During the massage, he told me that he feels like our crazy intense connection from the cruise had some sort of a drop-off and he is not sure why. I told him that yes, it does not feel as intense but I think it's because reality/a reality check has set in. He really hates that terminology though, when people refer to something as "the real world" versus anything else, but not for nothing, it's the truth. What I mean by "reality set in" is as soon as we got back home, the hustle and bustle began, rushing to get the kids ready for school, running errands, getting from point A to point B and hoping to relax somewhere in between. On the cruise, especially this one, all we had to worry about was dropping the kids off at kids club asap and what to wear for our daily dinner dates. Not to mention, I wasn't feeling too well and when I am in pain, I tend to crawl into my shell.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Ensure That You’ll Follow Through When Making Changes In Your Life”, in this episode, we learn how to follow through when making changes in your life. Remember, every new day is a chance to change your life.

This morning, we finished listening to "How to Transform Your Brain, Overcome Trauma, and Live in the Moment" an interview with Jason Silva, on Conversations with Tom Bilyeu. Jason is a Venezuelan American television personality, filmmaker, futurist, philosopher, and public speaker. The rest of their conversation covered topics like Jason explains how he approaches learning, he describes how we miss beauty and wonder, they discuss storytelling, Tom discusses emotions and the body, Jason describes how movie theaters increase people’s reactivity, and Jason talks about how much he enjoys just being able to talk off the cuff. Then we took our little one to the mall where Wade and she played while I walked. As I walked, I wanted to decompress, so I just listened to music.

The rest of the day was just lazy, I'm going to be sad and lonely when Wade returns to work and I have to get used to all that again, sigh.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
No significant triggers today.

#Motivational
Tony Robbins - How To Believe In Yourself

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 647: 11/06/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
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Last night, we did not talk, we watched some TV and he spoiled me again with another double whammy, foot rub followed by a backrub, I keep wondering what I did to deserve this, but I am grateful for it, it helps my nerve pain so much.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Master Your Mindset And Why You Must Do It”, in this episode, John Assaraf talks about how to master your mindset, and why it's important that you do so. Remember, if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

This morning, Wade had PT so I walked alone. While I walked, I listened to "Try These Tips for Better Holistic Health" an interview with Will Cole, on Impact Theory with Tom Bilyeu. Dr. Will Cole believes we are living through a crisis of chronic inflammation, and that it affects every aspect of physical and mental health. During this interview, he explains the wide range of issues that cause inflammation, from sugar and pesticides to mental baggage and past traumas. He also describes excessive, chronic inflammation as the disease, the most common causes of chronic inflammation, especially food, he talks about what to do when you are not resistant to sugar and carbs, he explains what makes a ketogenic diet beneficial, he describes self-sabotage, how baggage and trauma harms their diet, he explains why he migrated away from being vegan, the benefits of intermittent fasting and why he advocates cutting sugar out. Everyone knows sugar is evil, but it is so difficult to cut it out man, it's in everything; well - everything good!

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Felt a bit of guilt and shame about a minor issue with my parents this morning, talking to Wade helped me feel better.

#Motivational
"CONSISTENCY Makes You SUCCESSFUL!"

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 648: 11/07/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Morning Walk.
---------------------------------------------------

Last night, we spoke about my dad's fender bender, after dropping me off for my walk. How I called it when I told Wade my mom would find a way to place the blame on me, even if I wasn't even near the car when it happened. We both ranted for a bit and then just talked about various topics. Afterward, we went to finish watching The Walking Dead while he gave me a soothing foot rub. I was passing out, so we just went back to the bed to cuddle a bit.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “Punch Fear In The Face”, in this episode, Freddy Fri gives his weekly motivational segment where he explains that you can overcome fear and achieve next-level success in any area of your life. Remember, do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.

This morning, Wade had to work so I walked alone again. While I walked, I listened to "Too much sex during recovery from porn addiction?" a podcast by recovering PA/mentor Noah B.E. Church. This was an interesting one and I feel like he talked about a common question that pops up on the forums here, from both PA's and SO's. He received a question and tries to respond and explain his way through the answer as best as he can. He responds to a guy who has had some success in his recovery journey. He realized two years ago how harmful pornography had been to him, he has been completely porn-free for as long as 90 days at a time, and he has met the woman of his dreams and enjoys frequent and satisfying sex with her. However, recently he has found that his enjoyment of sex with his girlfriend has gone down but his urges for porn and porn fantasy have returned. In fact, he just ended his 90-day streak with a relapse. One of his points was that frequent orgasm--even during real sex--can lead to desensitization and escalation of the addiction. He offers two solutions, the first way is simply to have sex as normal but be willing to end the encounter without orgasm when it doesn’t feel easy to climax. The second path is called karezza, a style of lovemaking that is entirely without orgasm for both partners in the relationship. In my opinion, I think Noah missed a huge point in his response to the guy who wrote in. Yes, perhaps frequent 'release' could cause him to get bored and want something else, but daydreaming or having porn fantasies while with his partner says something entirely different to me. If he is having a lot of sex with his girlfriend and finding the need to fantasize about porn scenes midway to get him to climax, that means he is using her as a P-SUB and not actually having sex with her for the right reasons, therefore he is missing one huge part of recovery when in a relationship - true connection and intimacy with his partner, when you have that - sex becomes so connected, so intense, so phenomenal, that you would never need a porn fantasy to reach climax, because that shared experience with your partner is such a high when you are in REAL recovery at least.

The rest of the morning I spent manning the phones for my parents dealing with medical crap, when I finally got some time to myself I worked on some of our cruise photos.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Lost 2lbs from my cruise gain, woot!

#Motivational
Punch Fear In The Face | Freddy Fri

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 649: 11/08/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

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Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Surprising my Girls.
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Last night, we talked about what he listened to during his work hours and then what I listened to during my morning walk. We also covered some general topics, before going to the living room to watch some TV and he also gave me a nice foot rub.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Deal With Criticism”, in this episode, we get 10 days on how to deal with criticism, 1. Understand Your Why, 2. Expect To Be Attacked For Taking A Stand, 3. Consider It A Rite Of Passage, 4. Are They Right? 5. It's Not Me, It's You, 6. Are They Qualified To Criticize? 7. Understand Their Point Of View, 8. Respond On Your Terms, 9. Insulate Yourself, and 10. You Can Choose How To React. Remember, be yourself, people don't have to like you, and you don't have to care.

This morning, I stayed in because we planned to surprise our girls this evening. While I worked on our cruise pictures I listened to "Relationships, Fear, and Doing What You Love" an interview with David Walton, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. David Walton is an actor who rose to prominence on television and is well known for his role in the comedy series “New Girl” and for his character Will Freeman on the successful series “About a Boy.” This was an insightful interview, during this discussion they touch on the effects of alcohol on our behavior, why the destructive forces of shame and guilt are so powerful, why we all want to feel loved, how to confront your partner or spouse in a relationship, how to make it through the challenges of an acting career, the importance of dealing with your fears. One of my favorite exchanges was when Lewis was talking about getting triggered during a conversation with his girlfriend, how he has trained himself to smile in those moments, which causes her to ask why he is smiling, he tells her he loves her and they both laugh, taking him out of his trigger and changing the tone of his mood. David chimes in with a very wise and important point at around 25:45, "would you ever tell her that something had been triggered? ... because if you just smile and say I love you and then never have that conversation that means you've just buried something". Which Wade and I have learned means: resentment will follow down the line. Actually the whole marriage/relationship conversation from that point was great in my opinion.

In the evening we decided to surprise our girls; well, especially the little one by taking them to the annual tree lighting ceremony at the mall. They featured Santa, Mrs. Claus as well as Queen Elsa, Princess Anna, Kristoff, and Olaf too. Of course, they all had a good time, while we also got our photos with Santa out of the way for the season. The place was jam-packed, so of course, there were triggers there, I tried to remain as present as possible. Wade was showering me with compliments, but I can't help but wonder if it was an attempted to draw my attention away from the other women. Anyway, the most important part was that the kids had a good time and that makes us both happy these days.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Remained present, even though I got triggered.

#Motivational
How To Deal With Criticism

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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DAY 650: 11/09/2019

DAILY OBJECTIVES MET:

• My husband has been honest with me. ✓
  
• Daily talk with my husband. ✓
• Worked on Self-Care as defined here. ✓
  
• Currently Reading: "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van der Kolk
• Current Daily Podcast: "7 Good Minutes"

---------------------------------------------------
Dailies | Self-Care Completed:
Self-care is not an indulgence. Self-care is a discipline.
Morning routine / Verbalized my feelings
Journal / Daily talk with hubby / Regulated my sleep.

Tony Robbins List of Basic Human Needs | Text explanation here / Sound.
1. Certainty 2. Uncertainty/Variety 3. Significance 4. Connection/Love 5. Growth and 6. Contribution.

3 Things I am Grateful for Today:
1) Self-care.
2) Healing.
3) Music.
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Last night, we spoke for a bit about the videos he listened to and a few other topics. Then he gave me a foot rub before heading out to work.

Today on the 7 Good Minutes podcast I listened to “How To Live A Simple And Peaceful Life”, in this episode, we get some advice from Dr. Wayne Dyer on how to live a simple and peaceful life. Remember, when your cup is full stop pouring.

This morning, Wade told me about an awesome interview he listened to overnight of Eva Longoria on Jay Shetty's show. Then during our walk, we began listening to "Speaking Your Truth" an interview with Sophia Bush, on The School of Greatness with Lewis Howes. Sophia Bush starred as Brooke Davis in The WB/CW drama series One Tree Hill and as Det. Erin Lindsay in the NBC police procedural drama series Chicago P.D. Sophia consistently uses her platform for activism and fundraising and has a new podcast called Work in Progress. Sophia stood up for herself before the Me Too Movement began by quitting a television show where she was being mistreated. She shares her struggle to admit that something was wrong and the tricks her mind played on her in the process. So far during this interesting exchange, we hear about the scary side of acting, the importance of opening up about what you’re ashamed of, how people are taught it's not okay to be emotional or vulnerable, the struggle Sophia had with quitting her toxic work environment. For the most part, I felt good, connected and happy during our morning/walk. Then it happened, he wanted to get himself a black coffee... I'm not sure why he wanted to get one at Dunkin, when we were literally just at B&N waiting for an order and he could have gotten one there, but anyway, as we were making our way there I quickly noticed a threat standing by the cashier and I knew immediately that he would not be able to resist "slipping" on her, and just as I predicted, he proved me right within seconds of getting behind her, his eyes immediately bounced right onto her ginormous ass [his favorite sort, nothing I can match up to, ever] and then, of course, since it was done right in front of me (oh! so many fond memories ) many excuses followed... why it didn't mean anything, how it is just a reflex, old habits die hard blah blah, etc. To me that 'instinct' only means one thing, other than the obvious disrespect towards me in general (just like before) but that even with me standing right next to him, after telling me how "lucky" he feels, how "happy" he is, how "beautiful" he thought I was... if the right kind of ass is placed in front of him, none of that shit means anything because his actions speak much louder than any of his words because that's when his 'instinct' and TRUE feelings come through. So, obviously none of those things he "feels" towards me is comparable or strong enough to stop his "reflex" of looking at other women. No amount of sorry's or excuses can make it better, because actions speak volumes. Yes, on the cruise, where there weren't too many 'threats' and the vibe was different, more relaxed, things felt much better, but after what I witnessed today, I felt a shift again and not in a good way, I was forced to remember that I need to stop getting too comfortable/content and happy, because every time that happens, reality smacks me in the face and reminds me that this is my actual truth. That no matter how good it feels, that 5-10% will always be there and it will never go away, I am stuck with that uncertainty forever. My hard cold truth is, I must get used to finding some sort of assinine justification for my husband when he "accidentally" looks at other women's asses, tits or whatever because "he's getting over a bad habit" like it's sugar or smoking. You know, until he unlearns to stop instinctually looking at them - but what if he never stops 'slipping', then how will he ever unlearn that????????? he does it all the time "instinctually" towards everyone as he has admitted many times. What if it's instinct because that's what he WANTS and desires? therefore he can not help himself no matter how much he tries to convince himself otherwise? Because that's my theory, he can't stop because his body reacts to what it wants, like a dog who wags his tail when there's a treat in front of it. Unfortunately, this habit, in particular, is what has progressively destroyed me over the years, so I can not give him a pass on it. Every time I personally call it in my head and then get proven right, a piece of my heart gets ripped apart just as well as another checkmark gets marked off in my "yep, I'm not what he wants" list. I wish I could go back to the days where I didn't feel anything anymore when he ogled, it was easier to deal with.

I'm trying to not be reactive or snappy with my kids, but damn, it is not easy when I'm so depressed and triggered.

What I liked about myself, today:
(I am trying to find one positive thing to "like" about myself and make a mental note of it, every day. No matter how small or insignificant)
Not completely shutting down, when that was the only thing I wanted to do.

#Motivational
Wayne Dyer - Freedom to be Yourself

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Recovery Setback Dates | Inconsistencies or Lies
5/25/18 | 6/08/18 | 8/18/18 | 9/19/18 | 1/09/19
1/19/19 | 1/21/19 | 1/24/19 | 1/27/19 | 2/08/19
4/27/19 | 6/13/19 | 7/06/19 | 8/05/19 |
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