dark place

Found this site by luck... or providence?
I'll keep it simple.. I feel like a fraud and am confused. Everything about me and my life points one direction except a long the way some part of me broke, why is not that important anymore. I am a person of virtue and value but a few years back after decades of scant intimacy with my SO and a period of profound loss and grief I discovered escorts. Porn is not my challenge.. never has been. But a real woman you can have like candy in a store is overwhelming for my desire for intimacy and my strong drive. Fidelity itself was always a challenge for some flawed reason in me but I was able to hold that temptation at bay. I've beaten back the escort addiction a time or two for up to a few years but it comes back. CL and BB being shut down was a blessing but then other pages appeared. I feel alone.. I don't feel in control of these compulsions. I have no other manifested addiction. not to drugs, booze, nada.. and not porn.. I am at a lost and seeking to get my life back. Otherwise the spiral into depression, crisis, guilt, will continue I fear and it will be the end of me. That's my intro