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The Power and Lure of Porn

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Digger2, Oct 21, 2019.

  1. Digger2

    Digger2 Fapstronaut

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    Over a year ago I started my Nofap journey of no PM. I didn't include O because I wanted to keep the door open in case my wife changed her course and wanted to renew the secual part of our life. The first couple of months were tough, but I made it through. Before long I was up to 6 months and doing good. So I stepped away from this forum - had the problem licked.

    After a while the lure appeared and I took a peek, just one, infrequently. No harm after all because I had it beat. Needless to say, the lure is powerful. Now 6 months later, I find myself having spent yesterday explaining to my wife how I may have exposed her to an STD that I picked may have picked up from one of my massage parlor visits. She took it better than I feared and even brought up the abuse I suffered from my brother when I was 10 years old, suggesting maybe now is the time to get some counseling.

    My lesson learned, I hope for the rest of my days, is that porn is insidious, creeping in, taking over, controlling more than one would think possible. That does not change the fact that what I have done, I chose to do and is what I am responsible for.

    All I can say now is that in the past year, my most joyful time has been when I was involved with this NoFap community.
     
  2. grendons

    grendons New Fapstronaut

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    It is insidious indeed.

    I had not realized it before, but in my case, I might tell myself that I am not falling for it anymore. I will have logic for why it's bad for me and how it is affecting me and why I should not do it. And yet, just a short idle moment, and my body itself might start requesting it out of the blue. If it is not my body, then an image (otherwise inoffensive for someone who does not have an issue with sex) might ensnare me slowly, it is a snowball which I cannot stop.
    Every single time, it's as if a switch was turned on. All my rationality either goes out the window or somehow it finds a way to tell myself that there is nothing wrong with PMOing as much as I want as long as I go to work and do other activities.
    It is a habit that is built. My body sometimes craves it before my mind thinks it. It is insane to think about once realized.
    You swear to yourself no more, and next thing you know you are making a phone call for pleasure.
    How does relapsing happen, why? If I did 20 days off, what went wrong the 21st? If even just one day, why not the next? If 365, why not 366? It is so unnerving and so absurd the way it toys with the mind. Why that day of failure? So many things the mind does. That day it might tell you that it's ok just this one time, you have worked hard enough. Or that you have no more issues with sex, you are in control. Or it will just silence your mind, you don't really think, you just act, under that weird and distorted feeling of trepidation and excitement, yet angst and fear. It's crazy because I always see it coming. Excited and yet afraid. It's as if I was a child watching some uncontrollable beast come out of me and come at me, and the surroundings are like paradise. I fear the beast, but I close my eyes and it disappears. And only pleasure is left, that I cannot bear to think of when I realize that I am the beast after the fact.

    Masturbation and porn are not bad. But man once you get stuck in that loop it's as if a double personality was born out of yourself while you battle the habit. You can be very active outside your home and still be hooked. You can be a potato couch and be hooked. It does not discriminate.

    I want this time to be the last time that I start over. I will only be free with my partner, or never. Not for religious purpose or anything like that, but because when I ask myself why I should fall again, when, if not now as I type this, I do not find an answer. Because I have to believe that it will not take many tries. I have to convince myself that I will never fall again. There is no process to get better, I have to decide and do. Really why should I relapse again? Why should we? Isn't it absurd?

    You've got this. Believe it. Just never forget that the monster is always there, no matter for how long you have not seen it. I my humble opinion, the biggest lesson to learn is that there is no real full recovery. We are stuck with the fight forever. But we can dominate like it was nothing, as long as we constantly remain vigilant.
    No stress.
     
  3. Just get back up man, you can do it! 6 months is good, it sure makes some change inside of you, abstaining for that long :)

    And yea nofap is fun, seeing your counter get higher is like a satisfying feeling.

    I was thinking the other day, could hypnosis help those of you who consider yourselves to be severly addicted?
    Like, what if you could learn your brain to relate P to something horrible instead lf something exciting?
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. vocalfry

    vocalfry Fapstronaut

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    You were on the short part of the spiral of change. Now you are on the long part. Just keep push outward than inward.
     
  5. Zeeshaan

    Zeeshaan Fapstronaut

    I have been to escorts earlier.and I am done with them.
    You cannot differentiate between the lies and truth they tell you and it affects your conscience to the maximum.
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  6. Read/watch A Clockwork Orange
     
    vocalfry likes this.
  7. Digger2

    Digger2 Fapstronaut

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    Maybe I will find out, I am signing up with a counselor. For me, I know alot of my problem is thinking first established when I was 10
     

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