Getting Current

I don't see a whole lot of activity here. Which is an assurance, I guess. Many of the users here don't view PMO as an addiction but rather a sexual dysfunction. I wish it were that way for me. I know that this will be a lifelong battle for me. I will have to work for the rest of my life and to be honest it's a comforting thought to think that I will always have community to surround myself with.

However, I have recently lost my sobriety and my abstinence. I had made 40 days and due to some extensive preoccupation, I allowed myself to escalate my internet surfing from the innocent to the extreme. It is this idea of indirect viewing that is excusable in my mind when I know that it should not be. I PMO'd three times at work. I risked my livelihood for pornography. I lied to my wife about my addiction and kept up appearances for almost a week. Eventually, after much frustration I revealed to her my relapse. It was my first one and it has since prompted the beginning of our separation. I am nearly 24 hours sober and am extremely grateful for my accountability partner. I know that I love my wife and want to be with her. I also know that I am not healthy and her continued companionship with me is causing her pain.

I am trying to give it all God. That's the trick right? Progress over perfection? As of yet only you all really understand that progress. I know once I make significant progress my wife may understand as well.

I thank this forum for serenity, courage and wisdom.

 

Thank you for responding! It's good to have this group for sharing updates instead lapsing into boredom. There are some times when this site can let me down but ultimately it's a more productive activity to participate in at work. So, super thankful for that.