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How much to update SO on reboot?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by jaketom, Oct 23, 2019.

  1. jaketom

    jaketom New Fapstronaut

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    Hi everyone,

    I've been struggling to keep any streaks alive more than 20 days. Furthermore, ever since I started a few months ago trying to quit porn and masturbation, my girlfriend has felt left out of the process.

    I'm trying to balance telling my girlfriend when I relapse (I've never lied to her when she's asked), vs. telling her every time it happens. For anyone who's watched Mark Queppet's videos on YouTube, he says that he didn't necessarily tell his GF every time he relapsed, because it basically would just cause her needless pain, but he was always honest when she asked, so that's why I was trying that approach.

    I want to find ways to include my girlfriend in the process of rebooting so she can see that I'm working really hard (even when I'm struggling). If anyone has any advice on how to do this without telling her details that will only cause pain and not lead to anything productive, I'm all ears.

    I've started going to SLAA meetings on the advice of my therapist. I've only been to two so far, but have found them to be helpful thus far.

    Thanks!
     
    Sherlock_Poems likes this.
  2. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Why don’t you ask her what she wants? I want to know within 24 hours. Some don’t want to know unless they ask...
     
    EyesWideOpen likes this.
  3. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    Ask her how much she wants to know. Kudos for wanting to include her.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  4. Ask her what she would like.

    For me- i need to know that day:

    If he told me that he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to cause me pain I would look at that as just another excuse and more proof that his addiction is more important. I look at it as a lie because he would be omitting information and the secrecy was what hurt the most for me. not saying you’re doing this- every woman is different. Some want to know and some don’t.
     
    Butterfly1988 likes this.
  5. kropo82

    kropo82 Fapstronaut

    When I started trying to quit porn I found it very hard to talk about my progress with my wife, even when it was going well. But whenever we did talk I found it helpful and supportive, it was just such a difficult subject to know how to start. That all changed when I joined NoFap because I could open a conversation by talking about someone's post here and that would lead on to talking about my own recovery.

    I guess it was easier because I haven't relapsed since joining, but even talking about the temptation can be painful for our partners.
     
  6. Also ask her how much she thinks she knows. If the scope of the addiction is not clear then everything your SO will read online about sex addiction will become a reality in your SO's mind.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  7. IamOlive

    IamOlive Fapstronaut

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    You really need to ask her. I didn’t want to know descriptive details just high level. Too much details would cause me to have mental images which wasn’t good. Also, be prepared for her opinion to change. She might say all details now, but I would check in with her a few weeks later and see if that’s what she still wants. Vice versa
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  8. Triplex VII

    Triplex VII Fapstronaut

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    I am married, and I do not tell my wife each time. She doesn't need to know. It wont help her, nor will it help me. I tell her if she asks. But if she wanted to know each time, I would tell her. Thing is, it depends on the person. Do you need to tell her for your own benefit? Does she want to be told? If not, all she needs to know is that you are doing your best.

    I relapsed, then has 2 weeks of several following relapses. I adjusted my daily schedule, told her of my 2 week struggle, explained what I was doing to change, and assured her I am still trying my best now. It went well. But I will not tell her each occasion. Only when I need it, or if she asks. Ask what she wants, and do what you need as well.
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  9. Suk

    Suk Fapstronaut

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    Well I'm going through this too but i think you should tell your partner everything and be open with her, this not only strengthens your bond with her but also gets a lot of pressure of from you.
    It was embarrassing for me to talk about this at first but i wanted to tell her as if you don't it might complicate things and she might make up a story of her own in her head and be hurt (not knowing the reason why you are quitting porn or if you have any sexual dysfunction).... For example: I had pied and my girl thought she couldn't turn me on, thank god i researched pretty soon and spilled every bean in my mind had.
    So to begin the conversation, choose a time when both of you have a lot of time, then first educate her on the basics of NoFap ie what it is? Why are you doing this? Etc....questions you think are obvious to her, then give her some time to ask questions of her own and honestlt answer them....Communication is the key here brother, Trust me it will be a lot easier if she's on your team! I hope you can do it brother! All the best, stay strong!
     

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