Starting Rebooting: Wife Does Not Know

I was encouraging disclosure in one post and discouraging it in another post, yet this post by @need4realchg put it the best way I could have ever done. This is exactly why I also wrote that it took 15 years to both myself and my wife to get prepared for the disclosure. Plus what @IamOlive said about not telling more details than asked for. And my wife asked a lot, still expressed some borders what she does not really want to know (yet?).

I feel like "like" is not enough response to the above comment so emphasising it with this reply.

 

I know that you’re not interested in hearing from SOs on here but felt like posting anyways. I am a SO of a PA and I support my man 100% in his journey. October of last year was DDAY -almost 1 year. He had one slip up in February but has been sober since. I love this man with all my heart and have a lot of empathy for how difficult this topic is for him. I can fully understand how shameful, embarrassing and difficult it has been on him to talk to me about his porn addiction. It’s not his fault, and it’s not your fault. We are brought up in an over-sexualized society that teaches us that men are visual and boys will be boys.
I knew something was wrong way before DDAY. I tried many times to fix our sex life. I have cried many times wondering what was wrong with me, was I too fat? Not perky enough after breastfeeding, not pretty enough. I assumed he watched porn because I assumed every man watched it. I didn’t know anything about porn addiction or what it does to the brain. I just knew that I had a man who never wanted sex with me and that rejection chipped away at my self esteem.
Last October was DDAY I found the porn and my god it was A LOT. I first felt sick to my stomach. Then I compared myself to them. I understood why he didn’t want me -I look and act nothing like these women. I felt cheated on. Here I was being fully loyal to this man and he was rejecting me for them.
In my ideal situation I would have loved if he came to me with his addiction AND taught me about what porn does to the brain. I wish he would have been able to tell me he had a problem and saved me at the same time by informing me about this addiction so I wouldn’t have taken it so personally.

I don’t know your wife or you- but I do talk to a lot of the women here and for the most part we are cheerleaders for our men. We want them to succeed. We are proud of them for choosing us over porn. While we do go through betrayal trauma which is very difficult - we usually come out stronger than before

 

There is some serious wrong thinking in the opinions that non disclosure is disrespectful to your wife. You and your wife and everybody have much in out past that will upset the other if disclosed. Even break marriges. Those things are our own. Belong to our past. PMO can be brought to the past. All this Blue Pill stuff makes me...Sigh!

What maters is who you are now and going forward. If you follow throug on Nofap, you will get your junk working again, and love your wife with all your might she will be the hapiest girl in the world.

Ive read about divorces due to PMO disclosure. I would never suggest such a thing to anyone. Chill and stay away from porn and masturbation.

I have a girlfriend. No way in h-l will I sit down an torture our relationship with this. Am I dishonest? No, I definately do not think so!!

Listen up. This PMO behaivour is not your fault. Non of it. Its a trap laid for us. All this masturbation is health nonsens porn availability, and this and that led us down the rabbit hole. So, feel no blame or shame! When you done wit this s-t, its not you anymore!

I think you have come to the right place. There are lots of supportive guys here.

 

@egil

Get married first for at least 10 years and preach to me then why I am wrong about not keeping secrets from my wife

 

Been maried myself for 17 years. Ended when kids grew up, as most marriages usualy do nowadays.

Did i say that YOU in your specific situation did wrong in disclosing this or that to your wife?

Please accept a differen view on things gracefully!

 

I didnt take issue with your opinion

Your post said that we were giving serious wrong thinking in our advice.

So who didnt accept whom's opinion

That's all all I'll say about not goi.g to argue in someone else's thread

Everyone have a blessed one

 

It is dishonest to not tell someone you are in a sexual relationship with that you have another sexual relationship going on behind her back. It is disrespectful and selfish to have a whole sexual life that your significant other knows nothing about. A life that affects ever aspect of your life with her. Every aspect, I knew 3 days into my honeymoon that something wasn’t right. even if you don’t believe that ask any wife or gf on here! Only addicts think it’s contained to that moment in time.

 

You're torturing the relationship with the behavior itself, not the disclosure about the behavior.

By not telling her, you're making sure she has no option to avoid the torture. While you siphon energy from multiple sources and control the entire situation.

 

\\So if I understand this correctly, you're saying that porn addicts have zero accountability for their own actions. And if that is actually what you're saying, then why are you even on here if you don't feel you've done anything wrong that you're responsible for? I must say that obviously I disagree with your statement as strongly as a person respectfully can.