37 Days PM-Free and Feeling Like Crap

Hey guys,
So, today is my 37th day PM-free on NoFap. I'm very proud of this accomplishment so far, as this is easily the longest amount of time that I've gone without it since my addiction started about five years ago. However, I've stopped to think about this whole journey so far, and I'm really not feeling that much better than I was before. I am, by no means, saying that I'm going to give up, but I've just noticed that my overall mental health hasn't seemed to improve much. For example, I'm extremely anxious all the time about what I'm doing and what I'm thinking (ex. what does this thought or that thought mean? Did you look at that girl for too long?). I'm constantly evaluating every single act throughout the entire day, and it's not only exhausting, but a lot of times I'll say yes that was a gross thought or yes you did look at that girl for too long (I'm talking even if I looked at someone for three seconds, literally looking at their face), and proceed to feel like crap for the rest of the day. I feel like I'm now on the opposite end of the spectrum, where I used to stare at pictures of girls like a perv all day, and now it's like there's some sort of taboo about them, like I'll get pissed off and concentrate on looking away if I walk by a group of girls during school. I know this isn't the right way to think, but I feel like even if I just look a girl in the eye while I walk by her in a completely innocent way, just the fact that I can see the rest of her body (specifically, the parts that I used to stare at like a creep) in my periphery makes me feel like I shouldn't even be looking and should just keep my head down all day long. Now let me clarify, I have a girlfriend to whom I am completely faithful and for whom I'm trying to escape this addiction, and I'm not saying that I go around looking at girls all the time or anything like that at all. I just mean, when I walk by a girl as anyone might throughout their day, just seeing her makes me feel guilty or like I did something wrong just because my brain used to be so twisted from all the P I was watching, and this has been making me extremely anxious. When I walk into a classroom, I survey where all of the girls are sitting at the beginning just so I know where I not to look if I start to look around the room out of boredom. Yes, it's that bad. Another separate thing is the thoughts and the dreams that I've been having since I stopped PM. I have disgustingly vivid memories about P from videos and pictures that are just stuck in my brain from seeing them so much in the past. And when I freak out telling myself to stop thinking about it, it just seems to get worse. Like this stuff has completely destroyed my sense of mental well-being and self-worth. I feel like absolute crap. Of course, I'm going to keep pushing on with this journey, but I'd just like to hear if anyone else has felt like this, and how I can change my thought process so that I can start living a normal life again without being anxious about every single thing that I do throughout the day. I feel like I need help/guidance here, I'm really not feeling good.
Thanks guys

 

Thank you very much for your response. I agree that I definitely need to start focusing on the better part of this process and stop dwelling on the small things. I've also noticed that there are some days that are worse than others with regards to where my mind goes on its own. For example, today I felt absolutely better and in control of my thoughts, and wasn't anxious at all about girls like yesterday. I guess it's hard to explain, because it's not like I want my mind to revert back to its old style of thought when I look at girls or anything, but I do still feel guilty that it does just because it was used to seeing so much P. It's like it is my fault because I watched P so much, but the things that I still struggle with today as I strive to do better aren't completely my fault. Does this make sense and do you agree? I would think with a similar number of days without P as me you might know what I'm talking about. It's like I feel guilty that my mind has been so twisted from all the P because I'm doing so well otherwise. I'm not feeling the urge to watch more P or to M, but the healing in your mind takes a long time and I just think that I get frustrated because on bad days I don't feel a difference from when I was on PM. I'd love to hear back from you and thanks again.

 

I've heard this, I think yesterday was just a really bad day for me. Thanks for the response man

 

Thanks a lot, man. I think I was just having a bad day that day, as I feel a lot better now. I do feel a lot of guilt and shame at times still, but I'm able to see that I'm getting better, and not viewing women as objects like I used to. I absolutely agree with. Thank you and good luck buddy