Tell the wife? Or not?

As difficult and as painful it can be, telling her is one of the best things you can do. You will be amazed how it lifts that weight off of your shoulders, gets rid of that bowling ball in your stomach, when you come clean. Be prepared for all sorts of waves of reactions. At the end of the day, I think it's a must. I don't know if my marriage is going to survive all of this or not, but I feel better knowing that I'm no longer living a lie. Good luck!

 

I don't know your story and if she is aware of your PMO addiction. If this is the first time she'll find out or if she already aware. If you is already aware then yes, be honest with her. Let her know what areas she can help you. If this is the first time, I don't know.

 

I am not aware of any partner ending a relationship because of a set back confession from the PA addicted spouse. However, there are a lot of SOs on here that have left because of lies, or lies by omission.

 

Tell her, ask for forgiveness, tell her the ways leading you to stop.

She will help you, be brave.

 

She might not help. As an SO I agree she needs to be told, but expecting that she will forgive and help is the wrong reason and expectation to do so. She might or might not.

 

It depends, in my opinion. When telling the truth, I believe you should do it ONLY at the right time, to the right person, in the right way, for the right reason. I believe this to be true. I always use that checklist. However, you should never lie or deceive a person.

Therefore, maybe you should tell her, maybe you shouldnt. If you think it will damage her too badly, and you have the problem under control, maybe you dont need to say anything. But if you think you could use her support, and you think she can handle it well enough (meaning it won't literally cripple her emotionally) then maybe you should, and allow it to bring you both closer. Cause it will. It will. Just, consider these options. But dont take my advice as full proof. I am only a flawed man, myself.

 

It all comes to the bond you have, if it's strong and she's understanding and mature she would help you, i think you should tell her and ask for forgiveness as fighting something when she is in your team is a lot easier i think! Personal opinion completely.Worked for me i hope it does for you! All the best sir!

 

I don't see any situation where a PA has a relapse and his wife (who is aware of the addiction) should not be told about the reset. This is really a no-brainer, to me. Most times when guys ask the question whether they should tell their wives or not, I feel that its almost always because they want someone to tell them that they don't have to. So in my opinion, if she's already aware of your addiction, then yes, she absolutely should know about it, and more importantly, she should hear about it from YOU rather than find it on her own. Like @Lilla_My said, I don't know of any spouses that left a marriage/relationship because of a reset, but there are PLENTY who left because of lies and secrets.

 

I get it, getting completely rid of everything the fueled the addiction is very tough, and if it was truly everything, then you should be very proud of that! But I just gotta ask, why are you thinking of waiting to tell your wife?

 

What is sex like in your 60s though?? Really curious!

 

I’m gonna say something that a lot of folks, especially SO females don’t agree with. And I’m sorry in advance. As a long time husband and dad who’s always protected his family from harm by instinct, just keep it to yourself and fix it. Wives don’t wanna see how and why you fixed thier car, they just want it to run good. Keep your hands out of your pants and fix your erection, thus fixing your sex life and making her feel better and attractive. NoFap has a weird way of making your wife seem sexy and you get excited for her again. I see no need to plant a seed in her head that she will always be stained by the vision of you jerking off in the dark to porn. And all the 1,000’s of things that will manifest in her head too. Just fix it. Get your boners back while your still young enough to have some decent ones. It’s like a cop doesn’t come home and tell his wife the devastatingly sad things that people do to each other. No need. Protect her. You messed up, you fix it. It’s a metro sexual world now and sure, I like to share some feelings too, but think about our grand fathers sitting in a muddy fox hole during a low tech war. He’s not gonna come home and have a speech with gramma about how he jerks off too much. Cowboy up a and quit playing with your wiener

 

I'm 34, is it too late? When do boners stop going hard?

 

Lol, some of us wives do want to know how the car runs and in fact want to know how to fix it ourselves., we also are not children that need you to protect us from your addiction. My husband is also a cop and yes he does come home and tell me the awful things he’s seen. I was the one who held him as he cried when one of his first calls was a 13 yr old boy that he had to cut down from the garage rafter. You say you’ve always protected your family? Then that means you’ve never lied, spent hours jerking off to other women etc? Because hiding your addiction is not “ protecting” your family. It’s protecting yourself and your addiction.

 

As a man I make mistakes. Sometimes it’s better not to say things that hurt people you love. Also none of us come here to be shamed by you rubbing our flaws in our face so relax please. This is a place of healing. Don’t project the anger you have from your husband disclosing his betrayals onto us. It’s kinda toxic

 

I was

I was not trying to shame you nor point out flaws. An addiction is not just a mistake. It is a disease that has lasting consequences to both the addict and the family even if it is never “ disclosed”. When you hide your addiction you are protecting yourself not your family. I’m not sure why you think I’m angry at my husband or why you think He disclosed his addiction. Most addicts don’t disclose, they get discovered. As was the case with my husband 22 years ago: I have great respect for any man who has the guts to tell his wife! How I wish my husband had, it would’ve been so much easier! The anger I once had at my husband was over the lies! Not the porn. Look at any study or ask almost any so and it’s the secrecy and lies that kill the relationship.

 

Ma’am I’m going to politely excuse my self from this discussion. Two different opinions and schools of thought. It’s up to him and his situation to decide what to do, I’m just offering my perspective. But then again I’m just a guy who spent hours jerking off to other women and lying about it so take what I say with a grain of salt. But I will say to beware of advise on nofap from salty SO’s. They tend to be bias to the wife’s perspective. That can either be good or bad, it’s entirely situational. Follow your heart I’d say. Each spouse is different as far as sensitivity. Some are fragile like a flower and some are tough as nails like a sailor and pretty butch

 

“Then that means you’ve never lied, spent hours jerking off to other women etc? Because hiding your addiction is not “ protecting” your family. “
But for the record, you literally did shame me/us all AND point out our flaws