Unbroken

Thanks old friend! Hope you are doing well!

 

Oct 27th...1 year...or was it?

Well today was supposed to mark the 1 year anniversary since my husbands last relapse. I wish I was here to claim victory over this stupid addiction but unfortunately I can't say that is true.

I have been pretty sensitive leading up to today. I asked him Tues how he's been doing and told me struggled. When I checked into that I discovered he'd been searching social media for inappropriate pictures, since his computer blocks porn or anything it might consider inappropriate. What I saw I considered a relapse. He apparently did not. I was angry and disappointed. I cried for the first time in almost a year. It sucks how I could be so easily triggered to the same feelings I had when we started this journey. Luckily I'm not stuck there and I believe I'm in a healthier place to deal. I'm surrounded with a good amount of support and people checking in on me who have been in the same place.

Since then he's been on the couch. He deleted his social media and asked if we could go to marriage counseling. Both of these are positive things but I'm not letting my guard down or settling. I don't trust him, I wonder if I ever can or will. I do however trust God and know no matter what I'll alway be okay because of that. I think if the mindset the addict has is "I will alway struggle, for the ret of my life" that you are setting yourself up for failure. You already have a defeated mindset. Jesus came to overcome. If your a believer then you too are an overcomer. Your mindset should be "I can do all things.." and "when there is temptation there will be a way out.."

I hear other women say they knew when their husbands were changed men. I guess I'll know when the that transition is complete...if ever. In the mean time, my goal is to stay healthy, stay aware of what he IS currently doing not what he did or says and live my life according to God's purpose whether that is with my husband or not.

 

Has it really been this long....first post of 2020

Well a lot has happened since my last post. We started and then stopped counseling. He's since stopped his counseling. I'm still attending a women's group, although we take a break in the summer. He still attends a mens group but that's the only recovery tool he still utilizes. The last trigger I can really remember was back in Feb when we were in FL for his grandfathers funeral. Overall from where I was in the beginning of all this emotionally, I have come a long way. I don't feel the need to control, I've learned to let go, I know I have to continually repeat/revisit my steps, I did complete the 12 steps for IA w/ my Married and Alone group. That was bitter sweet as we started over a year ago. I've just been at peace I guess, at least most days.

We moved in the beginning of all the shut downs. It was a nice distraction from everything going on in the world. Took a lot of adjusting to as I'm sure it has for everyone. He hasn't been traveling for at least 5 months. It's been different having him home all the time. That took adjusting to as well since I had finally become used to all the travel and having my "me" time when he's away. I am going to be starting all over again in that regard when his schedule goes back to normal. All this lock down stuff has me limited on my own personal life/growth. 2019 was a great year for me. I did a lot of traveling, things for myself and my mental health. I made a point to have a life of my own, outside of my marriage, do things with friends, etc. so I'm not so dependent on having all my needs met by my husband. 2020 has been difficult, no gym for months and not watching what I've been eating, juggling the new stresses of life, work, homeschool, daycare closures, etc. I need to make some 2020 goals. I did accomplish my biggest goal of reading the Bible cover to cover. Now I need to set goals of getting back in to shape and eating healthy again. I need go do this for me. Not him, I already know no matter what I do, wear, weight, etc it doesn't change my husband and his IA.

After the move he started slacking on the prayer time/coffee time we do. I brought up a few weeks ago that I haven't been feeling close or connected and I'm feeling his IA. So he made it a point to start back but its already been at least 2-3 days since. Now that he hasn't been traveling he decided to take 2 online courses, which is great but means extra added stress for him which usually lead down the rabbit hole of IA (intimacy anorexia). He has to fill his time with work, school, home projects, things other than just spending time with me or the family. We go through the motions but we still very much lack real intimate connection. I don't even push for it anymore. I don't know if something he'll ever be capable of. There were times I saw him try harder than others but its so much work on my part and it's not my job to push and change him. That's on him. I've become content with the fact that I will do my part, be a good person/wife/mother and if he ruins our marriage because of his IA, PA, SA thats on him and God will have something else planned for me. It'll suck to go through but God's plans are always good. Plans to prosper.

So my faith is in God and not my husband. My hope is in God not my husband. And my trust is in God not my husband.

 

@moderator - Please move to SO Journal section

 

He did have an AP (accountability partner) ..sort of.. that he used to meet with and talk to periodically but that fizzled away too. He used to go to SLAA a few years back but liked this other Christian based men's group a little better so he never actually got a sponsor.

My original Dday was like 6 years ago or so, so I've been at this a long time. Definitely progress on both ends. Always room for improvement as well.