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We're stuck

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by melonka, Oct 30, 2019.

  1. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    Me and my husband made a long way with his addiction to porn. And now we've reached some point and can't go further.
    Since birth of our son, so about 6 months he is porn free, with maybe 3 relapses just at beginning. For most of the time he had m though. He tries now more hard not to. Maybe for a month. We have sometimes sex, mostly once a week on the weekend, sometimes once every two weekends.
    He is sometimes incredibly nervous and can't tell why. His jaw muscles get hard, he's shivering. He can't focus himself on work. He is really busy. He works till 5-6 and than helps with the kid. Every 3rd weekend he has university.
    Sex makes is nervosity worse. Masturbating better.
    And that's what makes us stuck.
    We can only have sex on free days, not because lack of time, but because it drains him and makes him nervous and unfocused on the next day at work or / and he can't sleep well. We tried few times karezza, but it's the same.
    He tries to stay away from m, but he does it when there other priorities now and he must stay focused, like I am sick and he has to take care of our son also in the night. Or there are others problems like he has to end up project at work and stay there focused with a bit overhours and can't fail and has to sleep well enough to function.
    He gets nervous even if I kiss him with tongue on the work day. He didn't have all those things before he quitted porn.
    We cuddle a lot, we massage each other and stroke each other in non sexual way a lot. It's a thing that also calms him down almost always but not for long.
    There is a boarder which after overcrossing he instead of calming gets nervous, cause he's afraid I want sex.
    It's not that I want, but I hate that boarder. 'oh, it's so nice, cuddling and cosy, I kiss him and don't really think of it if I want or don't want sex but he than kind of pushes me away with spoken or unspoken WE CANNOT HAVE SEX. The boarder is not always clear for me. On weekends mostly he initiates it himself. Before quitting porn there wasn't such a boarder. There wasn't clear definition what is just cuddling and what is already sex and it was ok to stop at any time but of course I often wanted more, cause he than almost reserved his orgasms for porn.

    He doesn't want to go without sex for 3 months, cause he says he doesn't want to give up on it and he likes it, and that draining energy is just withdrawal and he just must go through it. Although we have periods 2-3 weeks without sex but his mastutbating without porn. I would like to try that out but he doesn't see the point, cause there is always something that fires him back to m, not to fail other things like work.

    And there is another issue where we're stuck.
    We started to go to a behaviour psychologist and I don't get it. He doesn't even. We've been there 4 times and I can't say how it would help. Few years ago I also went to psychologist due to my depression problems and was there also few times and couldn't see the point.
    I, in fact we both think a lot how to make progresses, read books, articles about self improvement and talk about it a lot with each other. And there is some point where neither of us don't know how to move forward but it feels like the psychologist is few moves behind us and what we already know. It was the same for me few years ago.
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2019
  2. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    So he is ejaculating how often?
     
  3. Triplex VII

    Triplex VII Fapstronaut

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    You could always try a new doctor. Or even try a few different ones. Sometimes you just end up with the wrong one.
     
  4. budvap

    budvap Fapstronaut

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    I do not know what to comment to the first part, but I want to encourage you as to the second part. I and my wife, too, have been visiting psychologist for a long time and are interested in the topic. Some people get disappointed when they do not see any progress during first few sessions with their psychologist and some give up. I made the same mistake few eyars ago. The fact is that it may take a year or two of regular talks (like every two weeks) with the psychologist before things start to move. The psychologists are typically aware of it and they know it would be of no help if they try harder. It is a difficult inner process that has to happen inside you as the patient and this process is somewhat catalyzed by the talks to the psychologist while the emotional reaction is burbling somewher under the surface until it erupts one day without you even knowing...
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  5. Bill Sis

    Bill Sis Fapstronaut

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    I to have been down similar roads with my wife... My only recommendation is do what works. Manage what doesn't. If cuddling and only cuddling works then make that work. Separate the rest. I know for a fact that I felt similar to your husband and even though planning out when we might have sex (Ex: Sat evening after the kids went to bed) it allowed me to plan and not have to "react" to a situation on the fly. It allowed me to mentally and in some cases physically prepare... We have both been and continue counseling and what has benefited us the most is learning more about our individual selves, our early childhood issues/traumas, and becoming the best individuals we can be (of course will all the humanity of fear, shame, etc. My wife and I have found comfort in knowing we will each do the best we can do today with what we have and what we know, acknowledging that doesn't guarentee anything more than today and of course tomorrow we will do the same. We don't have nor expect perfection, we are continually working on progress.
     
    marr708 and melonka like this.
  6. Live and Grow7

    Live and Grow7 Fapstronaut

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    Hmm to me it sounds like Performance Anxiety. I know I get the same thing sometimes and I get tense when I think the possibility of sex will pop up. It comes from disappointing my wife with crappy sex in the past and then giving up and feeling b really down on myself.

    I personally think that as men we put a large value on sex and our performance. I felt like a failure and that I'll fail my wife whenever we had sex. I blame myself for that since my PIED really made things much worst. I tend to get more confident the further I am from a relapse.

    This is all my experiences of course and I think it could benefit you guys to look into therapy with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT). He might have more insight into what else could be effecting him. For what it's worth I wish you the best with it!
     
  7. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    How to deal with performance anxiety?
     
  8. Live and Grow7

    Live and Grow7 Fapstronaut

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    I'll admit I'm not an expert on it and I still suffer from it myself. It's always worst for me after a relapse and close to one. Lately I've been doing my best to take the focus off my performance and remember that sex is a lot my wife's pleasure too.

    I made it a point to ask her what she wants during sex and the big thing I did was not letting myself think that sex is a success and failure thing. Like if I have a problem with maintaining our getting an erection I just turn my focus completely to making sure she has a good time. Usually after that I end up getting over the anxiety and get into it.

    Sorry my answer may not be helpful enough and I think still seeing a CSAT can help out. He may be able to offer better advice on overcoming this roadblock. I hope I was helpful at least a little though.
     
  9. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    I am not really sure, where to find csat, we're living in relatively small town in Germany. English is no issue though, so I would appreciate, when you know online therapy, that you can recommend. Here are the queues for 'normal' psychologist for half a year and most don't even want to put you on the list, cause they are full of work.

    I don't know anymore what can I count as relapse, cause as I said, after few months he can reliably live without p, on the beginning I had to help him (take away the electronics for nights and when I go out). And I know he is honest. He used to confess me when he m, but it overwhelmed me and I don't see the point of me knowing it. But it's about 1-2 a week, and if he didn't have problems with sex or porn before I wouldn't see that as any issue. But as said, it kind of gives him energy.
    So today we've had sort of a fight. He said sex is something for me. So if he could he would rather do porn or have sex with others but he wants to be a good husband. Anyway it gives him no joy only stress, cause there is no novelty etc. I get it. Two days ago he said in the morning, before going to work, that he would like to have sex with me in the evening but it wasn't possible due to the teething of our child. Today in the morning there was a good possibility for it but he said it is stressful and sex is only for me and only to make me happy. And that he actually didn't m for a week and is horny but it stresses him.

    I am confused and that is not the first time something like that occures.
    And don't know where that stress comes from. Before he quitted p he never had such issues. He didn't have any problems with standing before, but few times after quitting, but it was really few times 2-3 and just in first minutes. And even so I always say, it's ok when he doesn't want to use it, fingers are also ok, and I also can't count how many times I asked him, if I can give him bj, with nothing in return when he uses the term 'sex is for me, sometimes I need some me time'. Or that I am just there when he m. Just anything that involves me in his sex life is for me and costs him energy.
    And over time he says he doesn't want to have breaks in sex, cause he doesn't want to lose it.
    And it takes me a lot of nerves, we joke it's like in Taylor swift song - you're hot and you're not, you're in and out, you don't really want to stay, you don't really want to go...
    And I asked him if we can go month without, that at least I know on which ground I stay. And with all those issues I don't get why he doesn't see it as relive, it's again something that I want him to do. He said he will try not to m, but we'll see. And I don't want to know if he will m a lot, little or not at all, cause it's only part of the issue and it just gives me stress and it doesn't help him or me or anyone. I know he tries there his best and with time he is reducing it more and more and that is stable but I feel it causes just more and more issues instead of making it better.

    Sorry for long post I just need to throw it somewhere.
     
  10. melonka

    melonka Fapstronaut

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    I like your piece of advice, to stick with what works and separate it from what doesn't. And overall your post.
    We've tried with planning but it causes him more pressure and is more probably to isolate himself. Overall vacation planning is a tragedy with him but it is another issue, I think... He would like to spend all his free time at home and hates the idea of going somewhere and when he does, afterwards he has to spend few days at home playing computer games, cause he is to stressed. But slowly it gets a little bit better...
     
  11. budvap

    budvap Fapstronaut

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    I wonder if something like this exists and if so if it is serious enough for solving real problems. I visited several therapists during various periods in my life (including couple therapist with my wife for a while) and I cannot imagine a therapy without personal interference with the therapist. Even the theory of psychology says that this personal interference is crucial for a successful process.

    This is something I actually often hear from my wife. The things complicate by the fact that I am P-addicted myself so I have not treated her as I should, wich would otherwise likely help in that respect. Anyway, the fact is that she does not realize that sex is about intimacy, not performance and orgasm (only). As the matter of fact, she is afraid of intimacy altogether due to the way in which she grew up. On the other hand, she does not m either, so I cannot feel like she prefers herself over us. That must be really difficult for you.

    One of the most important things I have learned on my NoFap journey is that sex - in contrast to what life-style magazines constantly teach us - is not so important in the relationship. Building up intimacy (both mental AND physical, indeed, too) is what can make my marriage really happy and fruitful. For this, I have to be very patient with my wife. Approach her slowly. Touching her without sexual context or intent. Actually, do not want sex (coitus) from her at all. Speak to her a lot. Take her into common activities.

    I understand it may be even more dificult to assist a men who is ignorant to (which is the outer result of being afraid of) intimacy. But patience is a common factor, I guess. And one has to really give up part of ones emotional needs since these people (like my wife) are very sensitive and scared inside unable to even realize, the less satisfy, these needs.

    Do not know if this is the case with your partner, but I got this impression. This is an internet forum, anyway; a maze of oppinions of a bunch of strangers who I am nothing but one of them :)
     
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2019
    marr708 likes this.

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