Severe depression, anger, frustration and suicidle thoughts - Day 64

Life does suck but what other choice do we have but to live. Chin up and keep living. You can get through this. You are not someone who is 6 years old who has terminal cancer. I could see then maybe feeling the way you do.

 

Hahahahahaahahahahahahahah,I laugh because your mind is just decieving you that you should just kill your self and be free ,but kill your self and you will see your problem worse than when you are leaving ,I was strongly depressed for a year plus with heavy anxiety and heart pounding before I know I was addicted to pmo ,I was fearful of the unknown and of the future ,the fear was intense and persistent that I wanted to end my life ,imagine being depressed for 1 year ,I was having different complication for that not knowing the root of this problem was addiction due to dopamine imbalanced ,but here I'm now,I'm really happy that I didn't end my life what would I have gain .today I'm day 18 depression hit me hard last week because I was on the flatline period but what I do when it come ,I embraced it,I didn't try to fight it or suppress it ,it come and it went away because I already know the root of the problem which is addiction and dopamine imbalanced ,so my dear be strong your brain is changing to an healthy brain don't kill your self give it time you will wake up one morning and you will feel refreshed and you will notice you will have the natural confidence to face it and all of anxiety and depression will be gone.the two advice I will give you that change me is exercise and meditating on your bible,I will give you a verse you will read ,get a bible read the book of psalm . meditate on it ,you will see your self having the confidence to overcome anything ,while for the exercise don't stay indoors take a work feel the fresh air and nature slowly your mind will calm down ,in this situation don't stay lonely ,if you don't have anything to do go meet your siblings or better still sit outside so you will be distracted,do all this and them thank me later .

 

I was full of anxiety, shame, fear, pain of how I wasted my life the last two decades with PMO. No relationships to show for it and lost out on some good friends I could have made as well. The first 90 days was brutal but that was not compared to the next three months and the three after that. A year rebooted this weekend to the day and I am the person I once knew again. I am not depressed at the person I was, what I lost because I still have a future to live and I will make it the best I can. You are experiencing feelings right now, that IS ALL. This is not going to stay with you. You are focusing on the negative and you need to get out from where you are make the positive in your life and focus on that. EVERYBODY is angry, full of anxiety, pain, etc. about a lot of stuff every day, BUT with a HEALTHY BODY and MIND FREE FROM PMO, DRUGS, DRINKING we can ACHIEVE HAPPINESS and take on our FEARS every day of our lives. We do not need anything but faith and motivation to change our own world.

 

Just hold on, first 3 months of recovery are always emotional roller coaster. Mood does get more balanced after 3-4 months of recovery. Try not focusing on the pain and abstention but rather set yourself short term goals you'd like to achieve and focus your mind on them instead. For me it was focusing on outdoor aerobic exercise (walking/running/cycling) and proper diet that kept me somewhat sane in this period, for you it might be something else. No matter what healthy activity you choose to do and works for you, practice it religiously every day, no matter how bad you feel. What I did was to burn the emotional pain I felt inside of me first by running (which I don't recommend because you can hurt your body if you're not a seasoned runner) and later by cycling uphill. The point it that once you bring your body to the point of failure (steep climb will definitely do that for you), your mind will switch off and you'll start living in a moment (ruminating about past and future will be gone) for the duration of the exercise and your body will produce natural opioids fix that will numb your emotional pain and keep your mood elevated up to 6 hours after exercise. You can also start with daily mindfulness meditation routine which will help you calm your mind. What I find very useful with my anxiety is Wim Hof method (you can start with only deep breathing if you're afraid of cold showers) -> Aug 20, 2019 and pranayama breathing technic. But whatever you chose to do, do not negotiate with your mind, it will try to trick you in relapsing. Any change is uncomfortable, but getting out of addiction is a lot worse. Accept the pain, stay strong and just hold on, things get better every day even if you're not noticing it currently.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"The true man is revealed in difficult times. So when trouble comes, think of yourself as a wrestler whom God, like a trainer, has paired with a tough young buck. For what purpose? To turn you into Olympic-class material. But this is going to take some sweat to accomplish."
― Epictetus Discourses I, 24.1-2

 

You write very well and your advice is sound. It is a shame that you don't format your text better.

 

My friend be patient and never give up. Look forward to a better tomorrow and work towards it. Others have been where you are, and they won! You can to.

Also, I would encourage you to speak to a professional about how you are feeling. We can offer you support and encouragement but we are not professionals.

Hold my friend and never give up on life!

 

From about day 30 to 100 I was severely depressed. Don't give in to it. I can't believe how happy I've been lately. Your brain's just a little messed up as it wants the super high that porn gave it. Hang on! It will pass.

 

In the end we all die. Why then not do something crazy in this life? Dont think about the future, every day brings a new day, new feelings. Read 'marcus aurelius meditations'

 

As your brain is removing one strong habit (addiction) it needs another strong habit also to fill that vacuum space created in between the neuro receptors. So try meditation(chanting is the best , it remofies your subconscious brain). You MUST do a new strong habit DAILY. It is been in every religion that chanting is the best medicine for modification. If you are an atheist then you can chant your moms name as well( it WILL help)