New boyfriend, same fears

You're not supposed to trust a new boyfriend...

I read this on a tea bag a while ago, "trust is the union of intelligence and integrity". Sure, we can trust anybody left and right, but that's not very intelligent, cos you can get burned like that - there will be people you just shouldn't trust. So trust should be given intelligently. And to do that we have to get to know the person; we have to see whether they are worthy of it.

As time goes on and you relationship develops you will get to know him better, you will see whether he has that integrity that you are looking for. Meanwhile the best you can do is to be as clear as possible that it is important to you, not just a casual request - a boundary that can be stretched. Once he knows that well, it's up to him to prove that he cares.

Right now you are in a testing phase, feeling each other out. Just realize that you can't control other people, make them do (or not do) things. Only thing you can do is get to know them and then seen whether you are compatible or not - whether you have same values and stuff.

There come a point where the question isn't anymore about his integrity, but your intelligence. Because a person might be worthy of trust, but you might not be able to see it due to blindfolds of your past letdowns. But given that you say it is a new relationship, I don't think you are in that place yet. There's nothing wrong with not trusting that fast. Our hearts are like an afraid kittens in a new home; give them time and they will crawl out from underneath the bed eventually.

 

Hi CoCoplums I recommend you the book "When panic Attacks" by David Burns. It has a whole bunch of reversal strategies for excessive worry, anxiety and squirrel cage thinking

It helped me alot.

 

Practically? I'm not sure. But I'm a master at lines of thinking, hehe, maybe you could gather something useful out of it...

So, you don't trust him because you are afraid of being hurt; if you take your heart out and let him hold it he might just drop it on the floor, then you might end up on all fours gathering up the peaces. Naturally you don't want to be hurt, it's normal, nobody does. And the most logical thing to do it is to keep it locked in, not give it to anybody so they won't drop it. But also you realize that there is great deal of pleasure and comfort in surrendering to somebody fully; feeling safe, loved and taken care of. And you know that for you to feel these things you have to be open to danger, lack of love and vulnerability. I mean it's like yin and yang, right? One doesn't exist without the other.

Anxiety is a type of psychological charge which is generated by difference between two "magnetic poles", if you will - what is and what you want to be. In this case it's the difference between being afraid to get hurt (so holding your heart in) and wanting to surrender (which requires to be vulnerable). So how to get rid of it? Well you could do it in two ways...

One is to force yourself to stop desiring deeper connections, forget about it, like that you can keep your heart locked in and stay safe from hurt forever (that's kind of what I've been doing with my relationships, I'm no good example). And another way would be learning to love your fear, your anxiety, your pain, which is also with what I've been struggling.

I think as a woman you're probably at least somewhat familiar with this self-love idea of learning to accept yourself as you are - your body shape, Crow's-Feet, annoying birthmark that looks like somebody drew a phallus while you were asleep, whatever it is; all your perfect imperfections, so to speak. I think it's pretty trendy philosophy these days.

Well, emotions is a part of it. There's never anything wrong with feeling a certain way. And that also includes emotional pain - fear, heartbreak, etc. Whatever you feel is ok. Learn to accept those things as a part of life and love them when they are there. Then you will see that it is ok to be afraid. And even if you end up hurt again, it's ok too. There is nothing wrong with being hurt. There is nothing wrong with having your heart broken, happens with everybody sooner or later, that just means you're alive. Only way how to avoid it is through avoiding relationship altogether. It's risky like that! Sucks, I know.

Sorry if my babble doesn't help. But anyways, more practically, what I do these days when I feel anxiety is just focus on it and feel it out. No resistance. There's nothing ever wrong with feeling anything. It's just energy. I guess it's called mindfulness meditation. Look into it, good brain exercise.

 

He should be having good eye contacts with you if he is not doing it.

Not answering this from own experience but from the information which I read here. I am male.

 

All trust is a risk. Maybe think what evidence have I got to support his p use? What is it about his behaviour that I am concerned about, and what might be causing this other than p use?

 

I personally refuse to pay for the sins of a woman's ex. If you think you can't trust the new guy you're in a relationship with, that's already detrimental to the relationship. Life is too short to be with someone you cannot trust or who cannot trust you.

 

I'll take the middle line on this issue:

1. If you're making him (or he you) pay for the sins of the past, that's a failed relationship.

2. BUT if you're actively working to heal yourself, you may possess a chance.

The issue that I see in many young (and not so young) women: They cling to defensive mechanisms useful in prior relationships, usually with abusive/domineering men. In essence, these women constantly "re-date" the men of the past that caused pain.

Your goal (and anyone's): To be the best partner possible. Currently, you're unable to be the best partner possible (a perfect partner does trust (unless she has evidence, which you do not possess)).

To give another example: I once knew an overweight woman. However, she did not become overweight due to genetics, or even a love of food, but in order to prevent herself from physical victimization. She knew if she gained weight/muscle she'd fight better when a future boyfriend beat her. She degraded her health, and looks, in order to defend from a historic boyfriend. I do not blame her for wanting to be defensive, for domestic abuse leaves terrible scars. However, until she learned to be the best partner possible, and lose that defensive weight, she was unable to fully bond with a new man.

Although it's trust, not weight, you essentially act in the same fashion by clinging to trust issues that belong with other men.

If I were you, I'd focus on being the best partner for the man you currently date, and I'd regard viewing your prior defense mechanisms as a form of infidelity. This doesn't mean you're actually cheating, but it does mean that you're constantly thinking of another man when this guy seems to deserve your full attention.

Imagine if you discovered your current man spent hours/days/months/years obsessing about an ex girlfriend's problem and looking for it in you? You'd be heartbroken.

So my advice, do your best as possible to date the man you possess and not the men from the past. Could this man hurt you? Absolutely. Does that mean you'd need to repeat the process with a new man? Absolutely. Love is a scary thing, but without full commitment (with evidence) it's impossible to truly bond with a partner the way he (or she) deserves.

Is this man worth that full commitment? Or, do you honestly believe you may need more time to yourself to recover from your past issues? If you were currently single with these trust issues, I'd instantly recommend leaving the dating scene for a few years until you regained control over your feelings. You cannot do this, so be the best you that you can be for his sake (unless you have evidence, in which case just leave).

 

Have you talked to him about these irrational fears and explained where they come from ? Talking might help to depower the unwanted suspicions. It might be worth really analysing when you get these suspicions to see if there is a trigger.

 

That's why I specifically referenced women in my post. In my experience men offer grace to their partners (That's your past, I do not like your past, but I need to love you so I can move beyond your past without jealousy). Women know of the vital importance of grace in a new relationship, but experienced women struggle to provide that grace. This is likely why marriages work best when both partners are virgins (you may be, but I'm talking from my experience/and the data), but female virginity (slightly) matters more than male virginity in sustaining a long-term relationship/marriage.

It may not be fair, but I do feel biology/God created women to fear the past more than men.

Be open and honest about how you feel, but also be open and honest that you're aware your feelings come from your fallen/hurt past without basis in current reality. This ability to speak freely about the illogical nature of your reactions may help you to disconnect your past from your present.

I might even suggest classical conditioning - snap a rubber band hard enough to sting on your wrist each time you feel jealous/hurt/suspicious. While men and women operate on different sensitivity levels, we can both retrain our chemical responses with the right stimulus.

Postscript: I obviously know that some men exercise extreme jealousy to the point they hurt, even kill, their partners. I'm referencing non-criminal/non-pathological men who want to stop saying "tfw no g/f."

 

Trust just yourself. Noone else. You will just know when to trust him. Cause a man can be trusted if he is not a snake, rat or a goddamn hamster with glasses.

 

Trust no one!