The Anti- success story

glory.indeed · Nov 5, 2019

What´s up fellows?
This post should be a warning sign for all of you out there. Maybe it gives you this last bit of energy you need. At least I hope it can help you in any way.
In the last weeks I found myself in this circle of going for a week (6-9 days) and then I relapse. That is just the last weeks. I just find it a bit funny cause I managed to go for a week (constantly).
About a year ago I made my account here. And I do Nofap maybe for 1 1/2- 2 years now.
First of all if I could go back in time and visit this young boy who walks his way home and thinks about that he will watch porn in some minutes, man...., I would grab him and tell him all the shit that can happen or eventually will happen.
I never fully went down the dark hole. I never thought that I was gay. I never visited prostitutes or so. ED? I can´t tell. Maybe I get it a bit because sometimes I relapsed and I didn´t get it up right away although the damn monitor was full of naked women. Porn struggles right? I never got abused, never was punished like some people tell in stories.
Still porn snatched me.
My longest streak was 3 weeks (because I was working all day). It may seem like an accomplishment because there were times where I couldn´t pass 4 days. Ridiculous.
Btw I am 18 years old. Pretty young right? Yeah but this shit is killing me inside.
Normally I am a pretty positive guy, I am indeed. I make jokes, people laugh and I am kinda smart. I would say that I am pretty reflective. Still after some relapses I felt like hell was opening up just for me.
In the last maybe 3 months it got worse.
My wrists hurt, my body is shaking when I try to work out(like crunches(because of low dopamine), I sometimes ask myself what to do cause nothing seems enjoyable.
I feel nauseous and I even vomited 2 times. Ridiculous. One time I even went out of class to go to the toilet and then vomited. Just a bit but still. I will never forget that day, that moment.
Honestly yeah it feels "normal" to write this here. It is in my comfort zone and all the lost battles supported the story I told myself.
The story of the guy always trying and never giving up. Sounds great right?
it sounds great until you realize ... wait... if you can´t change that means sufffering a life time. Right. Bloody right.
I guess I missed opportunities with girls because of porn. It took away my joy. It took away my spirit. You can tell that I relapsed today yes but that is not the only reason I am writing this. If I can help you with this then every word I type in is worth it.
Finals are coming and I study a lot. This stress doesn´t make it easier.
Don´t get me wrong, I partied enough pity partys to know how it feels like. I may even party a pity party now but that isn´t my goal.
My goal is that somebody out there reads this and sees how much harm porn can do to you. If just one person doesnt relapse because of this all the suffering sound meaning.
The worst feeling is when you realize you ran into circles. that everything is repeating itself. The world outside is changing but you stay the same.
Once sb told me: "You remind me of sb but I can´t tell. Ah right it is this guy Naruto. You know?"
Actually I don´t see myself that any longer. Going for 2 weeks without seeing results, just seeing withdrawal, is so bad. Trust me if you didn´t experienced strong withdrawal give everything you got in this streak because IT WONT GET BETTER!
Yeah That´s it. Maybe this helped sb.
Wish everyone a great day!

Deleted Account · Nov 5, 2019

I understand where you are coming from, but you are crying out for help more than you are warning others.

You are bitter and depressed, unloved, alone, you are angry at the world, you blame...
You want to be a victim, to say that something else caused you to be here and not you.

Just read your own words, you say that porn ruined your life and yet when you stop you do not feel better? Somehow you still do same crap, somehow you are still alone, somehow you are still a victim of something?
If porn use was the horrible thing people say it is, they would feel amazing as soon as they stopped, they would transform in to amazing people they think they are without porn use, and they would be motivated beyond anything to be that.
People that stop porn use, discover - they are still the same, nothing changed, except now they do not use porn, they still feel depressed, lost, unwanted but they do not have porn to blame

Stop blaming, grow balls and make change. Do things that are hard, things that will make you and others admire - you. Then you will build some self esteem and maybe you will feel loved, important and have friends that will express that to you

The way I am · Nov 5, 2019

Man, most of us have been at the point where you just stand now. Yeah, true that porn spoils everything in your life when you are very excessive and addicted to it.

But, you say that you are 18. Well, that is a great spot to be on. Just work on your today, make things better than before. You don't have to be perfect at everything at all. Yeah, there are too many thing when we are very inclined to blaming. But it does not matter whether something or someone had negative effects on you, nothing is irreversible in our case. But the time is. You are lucky to take notice of the addiction -I call it so, I do not know your condition- very early. Life can get very much better for you. Strive for the better, fail but stand upright again, there is no way to pleas, you should do it, for a better version. Keep advancing in personal development, don't wait to be sex magnetizer or anything else when you quit or in the process of quitting.

But I assure you that you will have tangible effects when you are making progress by striving on your own. For your own good. Change things, replace, fail, stand up and do not be obessed with anything or anyone.

fredisthebes · Nov 5, 2019

Ronila said: ↑

If porn use was the horrible thing people say it is, they would feel amazing as soon as they stopped, they would transform in to amazing people they think they are without porn use, and they would be motivated beyond anything to be that.
People that stop porn use, discover - they are still the same, nothing changed, except now they do not use porn, they still feel depressed, lost, unwanted but they do not have porn to blame
Click to expand...

Yes, it sounds like P is a convenient scapegoat for everything that you are unsatisfied about. So you don't really want to give it up, because that means that you will have to take responsibility for those things yourself.

The bad news is that giving up P is only a first step, but the good news is that it is the hardest step, and you will be able to make big changes after that using the discipline that you learned.

It's pretty normal for an 18 year old to feel like this btw. Just keep working on yourself, you have got a long way to go yet.

DeProfundis · Nov 5, 2019

Ask yourself if you want to be the same in 10 years time. Change now.

glory.indeed · Nov 5, 2019

Ronila said: ↑

I understand where you are coming from, but you are crying out for help more than you are warning others.

You are bitter and depressed, unloved, alone, you are angry at the world, you blame...
You want to be a victim, to say that something else caused you to be here and not you.

Just read your own words, you say that porn ruined your life and yet when you stop you do not feel better? Somehow you still do same crap, somehow you are still alone, somehow you are still a victim of something?
If porn use was the horrible thing people say it is, they would feel amazing as soon as they stopped, they would transform in to amazing people they think they are without porn use, and they would be motivated beyond anything to be that.
People that stop porn use, discover - they are still the same, nothing changed, except now they do not use porn, they still feel depressed, lost, unwanted but they do not have porn to blame

Stop blaming, grow balls and make change. Do things that are hard, things that will make you and others admire - you. Then you will build some self esteem and maybe you will feel loved, important and have friends that will express that to you
Click to expand...

The sad thing is all this true. And youre points are really deep. Actually yes it was that breakdown and until now I worked for hours to change things. Still it helped me to write everything down.
But to your point. You really think that people feel amazing just by quitting? Why do you feel amazing by facing withdrawals?

glory.indeed · Nov 5, 2019

Thanks for all the uplifting and even to those you said I should stop the damn pity party that I said I wouldnt have haha.

Deleted Account · Nov 5, 2019

I was honest with you, that is all I did.

Thank you for being honest back, I respect that.

I said the opposite about benefits, people rather quickly learn that they do not feel anything amazing after they stop porn use.
They may feel great initially when they begin to fight the abuse, because they finally gain some self respect, stop talking and act.
They see that they are not as worthless as they thought they were and that gives hope and they feel happy and proud of themselves, outlook on life gets brighter.
But they just puled their head above water for a moment, they have not learned how to swim.

Your problem is not porn use, your problem is inability to "swim"(enjoy life), people drown not because they are being pulled down under by some external force, they drown because they do not know how to keep their head above water.
Keeping your head above water is a metaphor for "get out of the house and find friends" , "approach that girl you like and say Hi", "ask for a raise at your job or find another one" in essence you have to act when you see action needs to be taken and not come up with exuses for why you dont want to. Just be honest and act - this will get you far.

Deleted Account · Nov 5, 2019

Ronila said: ↑

I understand where you are coming from, but you are crying out for help more than you are warning others.

You are bitter and depressed, unloved, alone, you are angry at the world, you blame...
You want to be a victim, to say that something else caused you to be here and not you.

Just read your own words, you say that porn ruined your life and yet when you stop you do not feel better? Somehow you still do same crap, somehow you are still alone, somehow you are still a victim of something?
If porn use was the horrible thing people say it is, they would feel amazing as soon as they stopped, they would transform in to amazing people they think they are without porn use, and they would be motivated beyond anything to be that.
People that stop porn use, discover - they are still the same, nothing changed, except now they do not use porn, they still feel depressed, lost, unwanted but they do not have porn to blame

Stop blaming, grow balls and make change. Do things that are hard, things that will make you and others admire - you. Then you will build some self esteem and maybe you will feel loved, important and have friends that will express that to you
Click to expand...

I think this misses the OP's point. That's all I'm going to say.

Deleted Account · Nov 5, 2019

diaspar said: ↑

I think this misses the OP's point. That's all I'm going to say.
Click to expand...

I think you did not read this thread...

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The Anti- success story

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