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Married with questions

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Timetoquit78, Nov 5, 2019.

  1. Timetoquit78

    Timetoquit78 Fapstronaut

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    I’ve passed the 30 day mark of no PMO/standard mode. It’s been a rough 6 days after hitting the 30 mark. My question has to do with day dreaming about sex with my wife. I feel like this is normal and not a bad thing, but it’s making it hard to stay away from P. That use to be one of my triggers. Rubbing/massaging/scratching my wife’s back is something I’ve always enjoyed doing, but it does lead me to think about sex which can take me down a dark path. Do I stop massaging and day dreaming about my wife? Or do I find ways to deal with it not associated with P?
     
  2. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    In my experience entertaining any sexualised thoughts are not helpful during reboot.I say entertaining because i don't think you can stop them coming into your head, but it is up to you whether you linger on them. I am trying to retrain my brain not be engaged in sexual thoughts. What is ok to think about, in my book, is any kind of bonding activity. So the back rubbing I would consider bonding as I would hugging kissing and all sorts of touching which is not geared towards arousal and sex, although arousal might happen.
    I try not to day dream even about my wife in a sexual way. When I used to do this I would end up all geared up for sex of a specific nature because I had planned it all out in my head, only to find my wife had not read the script! Sometimes it worked but sometimes i was left massively frustrated.
    I believe that if you want to stop the urges, you need to reduce the sexual thoughts, whoever they are about.
     
  3. Timetoquit78

    Timetoquit78 Fapstronaut

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    I love what you said “my wife didn’t read the script”. The amount of frustration this has caused me is crazy. But this is also why we decided to schedule sex for one day, the same day, each week. I know this sounds boring, but it has helped me tremendously to not be so frustrated. I know, 6 out of 7 days a week, I’m not having sex. So those 6 days are not spent day dreaming about sex and then being frustrated when it doesn’t happen. Thanks for your insights. They are very helpful.
     
    Nicko Stretch likes this.
  4. ResistingNut

    ResistingNut Fapstronaut

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    Wow! I relate to this so much. One of my favorite things to do is to rub my partners back too. I too enjoy what he said about "my wife didn't read the script". I always do that when I am rubbing her back. In my head, I am planning out my next move on how I can have sex and when I dont, I get angry, I feel rejected and I end up hurt and might cause an argument.

    I have a question on this. I have tried to schedule sex with my partner and when that day or time comes around, she will sometimes give me an excuse of "I'm tired." or "My head hurts" or whatever the excuse may be. Have you had to deal with something similar to this? What happens when your scheduled session doesn't happen? I know for me, I begin to get angry and distant. I end up basically throwing a tantrum. Its like we scheduled this day to be intimate together and now its not happening for whatever reason- it can really really upset me. I hope you can shed some light on that.
     
    Timetoquit78 likes this.
  5. Timetoquit78

    Timetoquit78 Fapstronaut

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    We agreed to the schedule together and it was a huge compromise. One day a week is all I ask. We have missed that day one time, but we were on vacation with a huge house full of people so I honestly was not expecting it to happen so I wasn’t angry. It has been the best thing for me because of eliminating days of me getting my hopes up and the having a letdown. I have to give her credit, because she has held up her part of deal.
     
  6. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    I think is is so interesting that we have so much emotion around the reproductive act. For me I know it was because there was so much more attached to the act with my wife than just the physicality of it. By having sex with my wife it reinforced my roles of husband, lover and man, and reinforced my belief that my wife was committed to me.That is alot to pin on just sex! The thought of not doing it threatened my very identity.
    I have now managed to remove the importance of sex from my identity. It is no big deal if I do not have sex. Not having any kind of contact is a totally different matter. I now believe that physical contact is the important factor in maintaining a relationship, so we focus on bonding activities as often as possible. And it has seemed like the more we do them the more we want to. It is a bit like being back to the feelings i had when I first held a girls hand or kissed a girl. Very pleasant.
     
    mrtumnus and Deleted Account like this.
  7. Timetoquit78

    Timetoquit78 Fapstronaut

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    I think, for me, it’s less about actually having sex and more about being wanted or desired. Since my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me, I must have done something wrong, or she isn’t attracted to me. All the doubts would start flooding my mind. Trying to get to a place where sex isn’t as important would be huge for me. Not using P, is a key factor. Using P would keep sex on my mind constantly. And my wife not wanting me like the women want men in porn scenes was causing me to doubt myself as a man and a husband. Its definitely been eye opening to see how P affects a person mentally and physically.
     
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Well, I don’t use porn, but sex is/ was very important to me and I felt undesired, unwanted because my husband chose porn over me. So, I don’t think that’s an uncommon feeling when your spouse rejects your advances.
     

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