Going public. Any recomendation?

Be careful who you share your addiction with. Not everyone is as understanding as the people here and it can backfire. Like it or no, there is still a stigma associated with addictions and watching porn is not an addiction that is accepted well by society. As for accountability, much can be said about it. Ultimately, it all boils down to a personal decision. Personally, I don't feel that going public is going to make you more accountable if you relapse, but that is just me.

 

One advice that is especially important - be honest, do not lie.
People often want to share success but want to hide failures, when their failures come up - they lie. This always leads problems.
If you go public about this, make sure you are ready to be honest 100% something that can be very painful and put you in to a position you may not want to be.

 

If you feel sure to share your problem I would recommend that you make a youtobe channel

 

You don't need to go forward with grandiose public displays to overcome shame. That's akin to saying " I will never ever do it again!"
While it seems noble and shocking to do such a thing, a few relaspes, or slips would create more shame than had you only spoke to one person, or took it one day at a time.
My suggestion is to 1. Get an AP. Be completely honest with them for a while until you can trust yourself. 2. join a SA group. Face to face with real men who are sensative and can relate. Do this regularly and you begin to build shame resilience. 3. Carefully tell people you love, that you can trust, and be prepared for the consequences, good or bad. Have many support networks and good tools for shame resilience when they go bad.
You can not control others feelings or reactions. So be prepared to kindly respond to each of them.

Again, I'd get a couple years of real work in before I'd broadcast this subject. Don't run faster than you have strength. You mean well, but be careful.

 

Just to echo what other people are saying here, I would suggest caution. I recently opened up to an old friend about my struggles, and it didn't go as well as I'd hoped - I suspect I may have ruined a 35+ year old friendship by freaking out the person in question. Having talked to a few people about the going public thing (or at least opening up to some) I think there is a generational aspect in play, where the younger you are the more likely it will be that you have a better time of things. So at 29-30, I'd but you in the young-ish category, so maybe things might be better for you (I'm late 40's), but all the same, there's no point in "being a hero" by risking what could be a serious personal hit to you, to try and de-stigmatize porn related problems.

 

Many others have gone public on YouTube already and theres still more porn out there than ever. In my opinion it takes a ton of guts to get out there and admit to something so taboo. You must think about what others will say or how they will look at you. If you are in a career where it could ruin things for you if it were to come out about your personal battles, it could hurt your chances of advancing. I sure as heck wouldnt do it. No matter what, theres nothing gain from it, and everything to lose. I'd venture to guess that less than a few percent of the human population think porn is a problem. Maybe I'm off... I just feel like not many suffer like we all do. Big big risk going public.

 

I guess I disagree with most of the responses here. I'm a real cowardly bastard and I've got a lot of growing up to do before I can open up about my own opinions on and struggles with pornography without shading the truth in one way or another, but damn... I grew up in a small midwestern catholic town, and I often think about how much more positively my life would have been shaped if, well, firstly if anyone besides the church, the movies and the bros had talked to me about sex in an honest way, and secondly if I'd been able to think out loud with anyone about the right and wrongness of pornography... Man, it would have saved years of wasted energy.

The folks on here are probably right, I think at the end of the day most everyday-folk just plain don't want to be bothered with thinking about the deep and intense complications that come with sexual issues, but I think if you're a confident man and you're up for the challenge, you're doing modern culture a huge favor by talking about this stuff publicly in any capacity.

 

To be accountable to more people I joined in person porn/sex addiction groups. Sexaholics anonymous, sex addicts anonymous, and others are in most big cities. Then I branched our to tell my wife, kids, parents, siblings and friends. One at a time as trust builds.

 

I do agree with you - there is a huge amount of good that could be done if people talked more openly about this, and I also really wish that I'd had some decent guidance / advice at an earlier age because of the tragic waste of energy and potential in my own life. It is something that desperately needs more public discussion, for the good of so many people.

But I think though that you have to ask yourself if you are in a position to handle the possible fall-out in all areas of your life - romantic, family, professional, and long term etc as well. Some people obviously are, because they're on Youtube, speaking publicly etc, but I guess you have to ask yourself if you're tough enough emotionally to handle it if things don't go well, and what kind of support you can realistically expect from the people around you.

My current approach personally is to be willing to have honest conversations with friends if they bring it up and I think I can help, but I'm not going to put myself out there more publicly, because I have a lot of problems to deal with already and don't think I can take any more things going wrong for the foreseeable...

I guess all I'm saying is "Know thyself!" and go from there.

 

I would say think it through. And think about every possible consequence. I'm not telling you not to, just to think about whether or not you should go "public" with it, because not everyone might be as understanding as you think and they might shame you for it.

You're not a celebrity (or at least I don't think you are), so you don't have the built-in sympathy and respect someone like Terry Crews has when he goes public with his porn addiction.

Just know what you are in for, and that you could be shamed for it. But if you feel strong enough to face all that, go for it!

 

@Dave G 123 I agree a hundo percent with ya, I've decided that that's the way I'm going to navigate things too, at least for the foreseeable future.

 

People don't seem to care a whole much if you're still a functional member of society.
It's only when things get "abnormally ugly" (Who nowadays can define that?!) that people start tagging you and classifying you as the addict behavior only.

 

Awesome awesome thread bro.

Wish I could like this 10 times. Especially in nofap world. This is what drives me nuts because progress is relative and not linear. So many of us (religious especially) disappear or go dark when we go active addict mode which only skews the true nature of Recovery. It’s not a one way ticket out of hell for thousands.

As for sharing...
Accountability conversations should not resemble a Maury talk show “who’s the daddy” segment —-when we come back from commercial Break.

accountability is (and should be) where trust and transparency trump personal ego and reputation. It’s not a “tell-all” special ...

it’s an invitation to an intimate relationship where truth is the highest priority because of years of hiding and shame. That cannot even happen with a spouse when we are more afraid of their rejection than being honest. Hence why so many couples do this d-day so many times. Fear has to be defeated completely for this to be achieved.

I find that you can tell anyone what you are experiencing with a certain level of basic information.

My current disclosure usually goes : “ I have am recovering sex and porn addict. Currently at 200+ days porn free. I have found my sobriety can be a benefit to others only when shared. If you want to know more just ask/let me know.”

when I revealed my sobriety to my brother he told me I was crazy and would not even discuss ever doing it with me.

Then I found out that he started to abstain from porn secretly as a result of our conversation. Today we are both porn free. Had I been more worried about his opinion of me... You get the idea.

btw ... that’s how Christianity is supposed to work ... where broken people share openly and BOTH grow as a result. Instead most pretend their shit doesn’t stink and we hide our faults from each other; or throw stones ... and in so doing we are missing out on a powerful model of religious growth.

While we are ravaged with addiction the church falters and flounders while the addiction communities swell with numbers .... and the SA groups get most of the credit (and indeed they should).

 

Great post, man.

1. The people who go completely dark once they reenter addiction mode are probably not entirely ready to defeat it. They probably don't see themselves as true addicts and see it as "just a little porn thing." So, when you reenter the habits and don't want to share your failures, OR have had SOME success and think everything will be going well you distance yourself from places like this because you don't consider yourself an addict. I've been there. I would come here when I was at the most desperate, crying for help, and then disappear for either one of those reasons stated above. It's different this time. I know that mine is an addiction, and that I need to tread it seriously.

2. I agree about being more open and eliminating the stigma. But everyone has to decide for himself how and if he can approach the topic with the people he knows who have nothing to do with the addiction.

3. Christianity does not work. I was raised one, and I don't think the religion has ANYTHING to do with empathy, but rather with hypocrisy and judgement. Personally, my opinion is that it was created as a means to control people, while the higher ups of the church could do whatever they wanted to, not unlike our politicians.

 

Well said.

I Do my best not to blame Christ for a powerless, tasteless religious experience that many of us have experienced.

Absurd expectations have complicated my religious experience. And frankly... believing in God but failing in self control to pmo is a special shitty purgatory. It sucks to call oneself a believer then admit I struggle with an addiction. I choose to label myself a backslider for now.

One negates the other.
the addiction negates the faith of the believer (those who are saved want righteousness... right ?)

Vice-Versa, those who are addicts want to fap and do so without a second thought of their religious commitment. I was that for sure.

this explains why I personally think it’s admirable to see those who admit there is a false dichotomy : they are trapped as Christian in the day, hardcore fapper at night. They are a sexually enslaved dark-knight.

This is why talking about this is so crucial.

All people, religious or not, can be pulled under by the quicksand of addiction.

The key to defeat a shameful secret is to share it.