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You forget how bad porn is, but this actually causes relapse?

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by skaterdrew, Nov 7, 2019.

  1. skaterdrew

    skaterdrew Fapstronaut

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    I have been on this journey a year and a half. I honestly believe I have had a lot of significant brain changes on my journey. I went through a lot of withdrawals at different times in my journey. These days I don't get withdrawals, even if I relapse, even if I binge.

    The urge to search and view porn has massively weakened. I rarely ever get urges to search for porn or artificial sexual stimulation anymore. But I don't have a smart phone and I have an extremely good blocking system on my laptop that I have had like this since April 2018. I also haven't had a smart phone since April 2018. My friend holds the account details and password to all the blockers, and he is also the administrator of my laptop, and I just use a standard account on my laptop. My friend lives a mile away from where I live, and when I ever need anything done on my computer that I need passwords for I just take it to his.

    I can hardly access anything that causes me to relapse. The most things I can access is safe search google images, or restricted youtube videos. Like I said I have my laptop blocked up beyond belief. However I can take my laptop to my friends and get him to unblock it for me if I want. But this is something I rarely ever do. The only time I ever do it is when I have a bad hangover from alcohol. That is the only time I will get my laptop unblocked so I can PMO. When I have a bad hangover I just seem to be horny beyond belief and really struggle to refuse PMO.

    You might wonder why I don't just stop drinking? Well I have had issues with it for years, and I do stay off it for weeks and things like that, But I do always eventually end up back on it. Sometimes I have good weeks where I don't touch a drop in weeks, other weeks I am drunk 4 days of the week. This week has been a bad week, and when the drinking goes up the PMO relapsing/binging goes up. The PMO relapsing is non existent when I am not drinking. But when I am hungover it usually results in a day of PMO binging.

    But this is completely different to what I used to be like. I was heavily addicted to PMO for about 10 years. I actually binged on PMO basically daily for 10 years. At one time I could not refuse it. When I first started nofap/pornfree I was shaking with sexual excitement after a day or few days to get on it. The urge to search and view it was extreme. Like I said I have noticed extremely huge differences with how addicted I feel to it, how much I get an urge or sexual excitement to search or view it. Like I said these days urges are near non existent, apart from when I am hungover from alcohol. Even times I have went on porn I have found it boring at first, but then kept edging to it until I got excited and horny. But I become bored off it again much quicker.

    But I used to be much more obsessed about giving up porn and artificial sexual stimulation forever, and part of the reason why I think I was so obsessed was because of the severe negative consequences I experienced. I used to get severe withdrawal symptoms, then they got better and kept coming back. I went through a lot of different stages with the withdrawal. But now I have been at a point for a long while where even if I do relapse, even if I do binge, the withdrawal doesn't return. I just don't seem to get that anymore.

    My mental health is much better to what it used to be. I used to feel like I was going insane, like there was something seriously mentally wrong with me all the time. The worst mental health feelings have past. Although I do still suffer with ocd/obsessions and social anxiety. But that way where I felt like I was literally going seriously insane has went away, and I suffered with that for years. Changing my PMO use is the main thing I have changed that could be the cause of that. Other things I changed is I do try to eat nutritionally most of the time, and I also do intermittent fasting regularly. So the two of these obviously have mental and psychical health benefits. But if I am being completely honest I do think most of my mental health being much better is down to my change in PMO use. I suffered with ocd and obsessions when I was a wee boy, so long before I watched porn. But the ocd and obsessions have just gotten worse as I have gotten older. The severe anxiety actually ironically began round about the same time I got my first laptop when I was 18 and I started PMOing constantly.

    The main negative effect I feel like I am still experiencing from PMO these days is I don't feel like the sexual dysfunctions are completely cured, so mainly PIED. My erections are much better to what they used to be, but I still feel like they're not 100%. I do personally believe curing these sexual dysfunctions caused by years of PMO does seem to be the most difficult thing to fix. It just seems like it's insanely difficult to cure it 100%.

    But I had a good month last month where I didn't drink anywhere near as much. Last month I relapsed on porn and artificial sexual stimulation 4 times. 2 of those times were binges. But I must admit I do feel like that was overall a pretty good month compared to what some months can be like for me. But I do believe all streaks and how much your not using porn adds up, just like it says on YBOP, and I have experienced it for my self. But this month I have relapsed 3 times already, and one of them was a binge. So in only a week I have relapsed 3 times and one of them was a binge. But I was heavily drinking alcohol 4 different days over the last week.

    But I feel like something that has happened recently is because I am not quite as obsessed about this stuff as much as I used to be, because I am not experiencing anywhere near the same level of negative consequences, I feel like this is basically causing me not to worry anywhere near the same about relapsing, which is actually causing me to relapse. It's an ironic thing, but I hate obsessing. But ironically I seem to do really well at the things I obsess about. So if I am obsessed I must stop porn then I do much better at staying off porn. If I am obsessed about stopping drinking I do much better at staying off the alcohol. But I only seem to be as obsessed about these things when I am experiencing negative consequences from them, and recently I haven't been experiencing anywhere near the same level of negative consequences from PMO and from alcohol. With the alcohol I have a really strong tolerancem so I can drink a full bottle of whiskey and not be all that drunk. But that's not to say what harm it is doing to my insides. But to me it just feels like the negative consequences aren't as bad. In fact I would say the main thing that keeps me off alcohol is my worry about relapsing and binging on PMO. But I just seem to be much less worried, which is causing me to obsess less, which is actually causing me to drink alcohol more often, and then this is causing me to relapse on PMO more often.
     
    Last edited: Nov 7, 2019
  2. Perhaps it has to do with your daily circumstances, for example when I was in school I was forced to interact with alot of people, so when I had relapsed the social anxiety was more noticable since I was being social with so many people. Right now in my life I dont have alot of interactions, unemployed atm so the negative social anxiety is not as noticable at the moment.

    The consequenses are worse depending on what you do daily I suppose
     

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