New start. Scary but I need it

Yesterday I had surgery for my inguinal hernia. It's was quite painfull and I had to stay in the hospital the whole day. I really did not want to stay there overnight in a warm room with three elderly patients that were hard hearing and stubborn enough to reject help from the nurses. So around midnight I came home. I still have quite some pain but I'm doing alot better than yesterday. Today I just stay in bed en watch shows and sleep some.
This whole week untill next thursday I am off to recover from surgery. For just a day it'sokay but I don't look forward to not being allowed to lift anything heavy for a while. Especially annoying when it comes to the kids. So my wife will have to take care of quite alot of things now. I'm glad she's doing well and can handle it for now. We knew this was coming for about one and a half month.
At least it's extremely easy not to think about porn or masturbation. I am in no way interested or tempted to watch anything. Maybe that will change this coming week because it might get boring to rest. I will think off other stuff to do. I hope my reserved books from the library arrive soon so I have something to reed. I am into the books of Orphan X at the moment.

 

I am home alone today. My wife is to family and our kids are out to my parents. Since I'm still recovering and can't really go anywhere I am staying home. I notice the urge rising so I used the Panic button on this website. That was actually really helpfull. I read a post on Reddit about people giving in on the urge even just for a second and how their bodies reacted to it. That's something I noticed in the past as well. I started shaking as soon as I started watching P. I read some replies to this post about how similar this is to a drug addiction. That's crazy and really confronting me with what P really does to me. Anyway. I kept reading for a bit and went to do some other things. I also texted my wife about it that I'm having a bit of a hard time. That way at least I will make sure we can talk about it tonight when she's back home.
And I think I need a plan for the rest of the day. So my plan is:
1. Post on NoFap forum.
2. Make a plan while posting.
3. Take a shower, refresh bandages from the surgery.
4. Put on some clean clothes.
5. Have lunch.
6. Take a walk outside (it just started to rain 3 seconds ago though.. but i'm not made of sugar)
7. Read a bit in my new book. (it just started to rain really really hard 1 second ago)
8. Play a game on the pc with some game buddies.
9. Check to see what I can do to prepare dinner and do that.
I think that will fill up my afternoon pretty nicely.

Edit: I just noticed I'm on 20 days now. And before that small slip-up with Netflix I was on 10 days. So that means I'm a month clean of M and pretty much that whole time clean of P. Nice! I think that's a first since... quite some years actually. I have had periods where I didn't watch P for about a month or two.

 

Thanks @hope4healing and @budvap. The rest of the day was as I planned. Going for a walk was not what I hoped because I still the wounds from surgery still hurt a bit too much. But it was nice weather and I've sat in the sun reading my book.
I talked about the texts I send to my wife. She liked it and told me it was fine. I really felt awkward about sending them. I thought that it might bother her to think about my problems while she is away. But she said that she was glad I did and she was also happy it went well all day.

 

Good morning. I am stil recovering from surgery but it's going well. Yesterday I spent the afternoon with playing with my son. We went outside for a walk and we met some of our neighbours and their kids.
I have a temporary contract at work and last week I heard my contract will not be extended after december. I am looking for new jobs at the moment. These last two months of the year will be over very quickly. I might be able to find a new job in the same organization. It is always stressfull but I am confident I will find a new job in time. My wife is alot more relaxed about it than me. That's funny because with alot of things I am often more confident and relaxed than her. We're just that good of a match
In my field of work it's a bit easier to get a new job as a man. It sounds a bit unfair, but it's just how it is.
Stress usually can be a trigger. I'm doing well so far. Even when the urge to act out in P or M comes up I find something else to focus my mind on. It can linger for a bit or come back that same day, but that's not a problem.

 

Recovery from surgery went really well. I am pretty much pain free now and have to make sure I don't lift too much or too heavy stuff (like our kids) to make sure it heals properly.
I am also working again and we have our 'normal' daily life in order. That can be pretty hectic
I hadn't talked to my wife about my progress for a couple of days so for the first time this month she asked if I was still coming to this forum... by which she meant how I was doing with P and M. I notice I don't think about it much anymore and that I don't think about this forum that much anymore. It's something new for me. Over the last 17 years I haven't felt like this before. I am pretty confident I can really stay clean from P and M. I have had some huge battles and always lost those. I have felt hopeless alot of times and felt like it was truelly impossible for me to looking at P. Well... I knew it was possible but I had absolutely no idea what I could do to stop. I have visited groups with men just like me and I've had individual therapy but that didn't help. Especially the therapy was quite useless because the therapist actually thought it wasn't really a problem to watch P and to M so often. She thought my Christianity to be more of a problem I think. So I had no idea that a place like this. A forum with just a reboot log and some other people reading my posts would be helpfull at all. But it is.
Eventually it's not really about this forum of course. It's not this forum itself that helps me overcome my addiction. It's my motivation, my wife's unrelenting dedication to keep this subject alive and for me most important: faith in God that helps me recover from all this. I'm not sure about what people that read this think about that. But this is just how it is for me. My struggle with myself has been long enough. I do fear slipping back but I know now that I can recover. As long as I keep this whole subject 'in the light' by talking about it with my wife, by being faithfull and by being aware.
This is not an end to this reboot journal. I hope this is just the beginning. I will keep coming back here a couple of times a week.

Today I called an organization that works with teenagers with ASD. They have a job opening and I will send in my letter and cv. It looks good on paper so I am curious about the job. It's a bit further away than what I am used to. I really like to go to work by bike but that will prbably not be possible anymore because there aren't alot of job openings around here at this moment.
This weekend we will be quite busy with a birthday, work and preparation for a funeral on monday. A family member of my wife passed away this week. It's weird to have two of those contradicting occasions right after eachother.

 

@Reverent thanks for reading and commenting. It's quite new for me to be this open about this whole subject and I feel like this forum is a safe and good environment to talk about it.
I just came home from work. It was an easy day and I talked quite some time with my colleage. Most of my co-workers are sad to see me go. It was up to management to decide who gets to stay and who doesn't.
Tomorrow we'll have a busy day with a funeral. I hope the kids will manage without having breakdowns. So I am off to bed now.

 

Hi there. We've had some busy days with the funeral and all. Today I only had a night shift. I can sleep in those shifts so that's nice.
Today I spent some extra time with my daughter. I really felt like we both needed it. So we played together with the playmobil and she really liked watching old pictures from my or my wife's old photo albums.
This morning I spent quite some time looking for a job. I did respond to one job opening and I have read dozens more. It's good to have that first one done for now. Tomorrow I'll check if I can do at least one more. We are facing a problem with money at the moment. Alot of jobs require me to have a car. We have never owned a car and I was always lucky enough to find a job that was easily excessible by bike or public transportation. I don't feel like taking two hours a day to travel to and from a new job while I can do it in one hour if we have a car. But cars are really expensive and since I've never owned one the insurance will be very expensive as well. So my wife and I were talking about options. We really can't/won't spent this much money if we can avoid it. So that's something we're going to be thinking and planning about alot the coming weeks/months until I have a new job and we know what we can expect.
Now I have my first free night in four days. It's been busy so I am going to game a bit. Sitting here with a cup of tea and a blanket. It's getting really cold now... winter is coming

 

Hi. Things are going well with me. I did have a bit of a hard time last week. But I am glad that's over.
I am discovering some things about myself now though. I am really lacking discipline. It was already kind of obvious seeing my addiction of seventeen years. But I also notice it in my work and at home alot. I think it's more prominent now that I stopped ignoring it. I used to ignore difficult stuff by thinking or acting on P and M. So there is this new challenge for me.
And the other thing is that I notice how little work I put in the relationship with my eigen. We talked a bit about it yesterday. Having a nice conversation without feeling guilty, stupid, ashamed or irritated haar been naar impossible die the last couplet of years. Quite possibly because I always had this secret part of me that we die or didn't talk about but was always there.
So I've got some work to do.

PS. Going to change my account name.

 

Hey there. Today I have a terrible back pain. It usually means I am a stressed. That could be right because these weeks have been very busy. I am trying to find a new job before the end of december. I have some good prospects but nothing definitive. I don't really have any day off because I am either working or to job inbterviews and such.
I am glad to notice I don't feel like diving back in P and M again. Noticing this feels good. It's not like I am looking for some alone time to go on the internet again. Actually I notice I don't sit that much behind the pc at all anymore. I have been gaming for a long time. It is/was my go-to free time relaxing to do. Now I am more into reading and as I said before I am also busy with job interviews. So there isn't that much free time anymore.
Last week I watched two horrible romantic christmas movies with my wife. Something I usually declined but now I enjoy it a bit more to spend the evening on the couch with each other. Maybe that has to do with the fact that I don't feel guilty anymore. Spending some quality time with my wife often ended up in talking about my problems and addiciton or at least I felt like I was hiding something and that bugged me alot. Now I don't have that anymore I can relax alot more. Also we often have more to talk about now that I am looking for a new job. That's alot of things to think about and decisions to be made. The biggest one at this moment is if it's possible to work in another city. Because we will probably have to buy a car. We have never owned one because we didn't need it for my work and it was just too expensive. So there is alot going on.
I'll talk to you guys later. I wish all of you a nice december and as alot of you are American I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving.

 

Today my back pain started to hurt a bit less. So that's good news. And coming friday I will have a talk about the terms and conditions of my new job. I don't know the English word for it. But it's the conversation that potentially ends in me signing a new work contract for the next year. I am very happy with it and also a little bit anxious because my life will change once again. I will have to travel a bit longer for my new job and I will be working with new colleagues and clients in another city. I think this whole back pain has something to do with me being stressed and working on getting a new job. Since my wife is a stay home mom we really depend on me and my job for our whole income. I am happy we can make a living this way and she is always home with the kids when I'm off working.
Either way, so far so good. Day 53 already. Going on two months and I am doing great. As I mentioned earlier I spend a bit more time talking with my wife. We talk more and at this point we also argue a bit more. That's alright, I guess we need that in order to talk about the important stuff. It's better than walking away from it and deal with the stress with P and M. And the good thing is that it usually ends with us agreeing about what to do an understanding each other more.
So next up... two days off. Celebrating Dutch childrens party/festivities that is seen as very racist by other countries. Sorry about that. It's not what it looks like and definitely not how all of us celebrate it. And after it we will start getting ready for some nice Christmas celebrations. I'll see you around.

 

Good morning. Almost at 60 days. And today I am especially proud because I was quite stressed. Yesterday I had some workrelated stress and felt really stupid and like a failure because there were some things I hadn't finished on time at work. My manager called me out on it with the whole team present and I felt like a little kid at school again that hadn't done his homework. It hit every button with me because I am always afraid to fail. And having a taks unfinished when it should have been finished feels stupid and I blame myself for it. After a while I can explain why and how it happened. It's more like I work hard but just not always on the right things. I could go in to the situation specifically but that is pretty much beside the point. I did get stressed out even so much that my receding back pain came back again. And when I had some alone time thoughts about watching porn immediately started coming to mind. It really lingered and I couldn't and didn't just dismiss it. But in the end I just couldn't and wouldn't give in to it. I don't want that failure as well and I think it only make my self esteem even lower.
So now I am glad that I am on this forum again. I haven't given in on the moments I really wanted to. I decided that it's not worth it and I'm not worth it. That's progress.

 

60 days. I am proud of myself actually. I wish I could share that with more people in my life. But my addiction is too fresh and recent for me to openly talk about it with family or friends. I hope some day I will be free from this addiction and I will be able to talk about it. Use this part of my life to motivate people or at least show that it is an important subject to talk about.

 

Hey there. I really felt it was a shorter while ago that I posted here. But apparently it's been 20 days. Alot happened last 20 days and for my post here the most important thing is I watched P and M yesterday morning. So back to day 1 it is.
The stupid thing is that I already had some trouble the last week and I just did nothing about it. I didn't come to this forum. I didn't make a plan and I just told my wife once instead of being open about it. That could only go one way...
I think it's important for me to pick myself up again without feeling like I failed and can't manage getting rid of this addiction. I really don't want this to be the moment I get sucked back into lieing, not talking about it, being stubborn and everything that is a part of a P addiction.
So my plan is....:
1. Post daily on this forum again. It helps keep focus.
2. Talk to my wife about how I feel and how I'm doing at least every 3 days. Just keep her in the loop. That keeps myself sharp.
3. Spend a bit less time behind the pc and do other things in my spare time. Read, do some body excersises, just sit and relax, do some creative things and do some tasks in and around the house.
4. Talk to my wife about this plan.

 

Today was a really busy day. As I sit here this I feel like this is just one of my many things to do this evening. But I might as well start with this one because I don't know if I can make it down the whole list. And posting on the forum is a priority.
I told my wife I would post on the forum yesterday. I haven't talked to her about the whole plan. So that is also on my to-do list.
We had a busy day. I still have some backpain that has spread out to my right leg by now. My GP told me it's no hernia so that's good. But it heals slowly and hurts quite alot. I do go to the physiotherapist every week now and dry-needling seems to be helping. That was my first appointment of the day today. And it always hurts the day it is done. It will probably feel much better tomorrow.
My parents visited us today. That was nice. I bought an extra bike because I need it for my new work. I will start my new job tomorrow so that's pretty exciting. Now I already have to fix this bike because I bought it cheap and didn't see something was wrong with it. So I keep myself busy this evening. Coincidentally also a part of the plan... So that's the positive part of it. HA.
Anyway. Today was a good day. I like to have things to do and keep me busy. I didn't think about P and I enjoyed myself.

 

Just a short visit to this forum. I'm doing well. I had a very busy day again. It was my first day at my new job. I really like it and it's really interesting with many new people to get to know. The downside is that it takes about an hour to get to my work instead of the fifteen minutes it used to take with my old job.

 

Good evening. I missed a day I see. I've been working and at the end of this holiday there are alot of things to do.
I have barely any thought about P or M. I am not able to recall any 'difficult' moment today or yesterday. Or any other moment I felt tempted or any need to act out. So that's going well.
Today we had a birthday party and my sister came by. We enjoyed ourselves and had a good time talking and catching up. I just remember I did tell my wife about the whole 'plan' and she was happy to hear it. It makes it more easy for her to check if I visited the forum today or not because it's my plan and something she can check on without immediately asking if I had urges today.
Tomorrow the kids will go to school again. Time to pick up our normal routine again. No more sleeping in.

 

Hi. Doing well. My wife and I had a nice evening yesterday. Just some relaxing, talking and eventually watching a episode of our currently favorite show. We did go to bed a bit late... for us that is. We do usually go to bed at the same time. I actually am glad with that habit because I remember a time when I was younger that I had more problem containing myself just before going to bed. It used to be quite normal to watch P and M before going to bed. That's not a thing for me because it's really common for us to go upstairs together.

Today I'm a bit tired. I'm glad my wife is putting the kids in bed. I can relax, visit this forum and play a game on the pc. Later on I'll think I'll read a book in the other part of the living room. That reminds me of another wise choice... We have the pc right in the middle of the living room. We did have a little discussion when we moved in here of me moving the pc to another room upstairs but I totally agreed we really shouldn't do that because I would sit there alone. And with my addiction that would be a foolish choice.