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More of what I have learned about my addiction

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by betabeta, Nov 9, 2019.

  1. Nov 9, 2019 #1
    betabeta

    betabeta Fapstronaut

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    So I want to start to say I mostly fapp to transwoman porn. I want to state this because this has been my biggest shame. Shame is a very unnecessary feeling if it doesn't help you to change so I say fuck shame. I have fapped to transwomen for 20 years and the bottomless shame and self loathing hasn't helped me at all. Fuck shame. Really. Fuck shame. If there is not a balance between shame and self empathy ask yourself why you are not a nice and decent person to yourself. For the last time fuck shame. I fapp to transwoman porn.

    Firstly I have kicked both alcohol and drugs in the past. I did it without telling my self never again. My brain cant handle that. I thought I try to be absent and see where it takes me. That is a mile different from sitting there after a fapp to transwoman porn and feeling the most ave-full feelings and thinking never again.

    So my approach for now is to understand what is happening to me. My first post here I talked more about what I had learned from my addiction to transwoman porn.

    Today I come home from a really stressed out situation and I just wanted to look on transwoman porn again. It didnt turned me on like it used to ( I think it is very contra productive in this moment to think YEAAH!! Im cured, better to be open and see what happens) probably because of the work I wrote about in my first post. Then I realized that I probably over 90% of my fapps over the years wasn't because I felt horny. I fapped to get those dopamine and ease the stress. So that is my next step in my recovery, releasing this.

    Acceptances is a strong tool, if you are not in a hurry because it is a skill that takes time to learn. Try to get to know yourself and be brave because all the things you find out are not positive. Stay strong my friends. Until next time.
     
    betabeta, Nov 9, 2019
    betabeta, Nov 9, 2019
    #1
    Fenix Rising and diaspar like this.
  2. Nov 12, 2019 #2
    betabeta

    betabeta Fapstronaut

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    So now I have started to ask myself the question: Is it that I'm horny or is it stress that makes me want to fap to porn right know? I think it is 2 weeks now without fap to porn. I have looked but decided not to. I faped to fantasy 2 times I believe, witch I thought would take long time before I could do. I haven't made the push to quit yet, Im still trying to learn how I function, trying to learn to know myself. I think this is going to be my way. Not having the ultimatum never again, instead I will experiment and find my way out of it one step at the time. I don't want this to hang over me for the rest of my life, instead I want to feel that I'm finished with it. The more knowledge the better the decision is going to be I think.
     
    betabeta, Nov 12, 2019
    betabeta, Nov 12, 2019
    #2
  3. Nov 12, 2019 #3
    Discouraged

    Discouraged Fapstronaut

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    do you see all this perverted porn shit in Japanese POrn? no they make a lot of porn but it's just normal, tasteful, highly hetero erotic porn. you ONLY see this profusion of sick twisted stupid porn in America. the planet is contaminated by US weirdos making weird porn, and the 'government' doesnt do a single thing to prevent it even though they could block all porn in one day , completely if they wanted to , it would be easy , but they are evil
     
    Discouraged, Nov 12, 2019
    Discouraged, Nov 12, 2019
    #3
  4. Nov 12, 2019 #4
    Fenix Rising

    Fenix Rising Fapstronaut

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    Great observation. Guilt and shame have no place in recovery. In fact, you should try "programming yourself" to like yourself again. The only person you can not escape from is the person you see when you look in the the mirror, so you better start being gentle and kind to that person. You literally have to relearn to like yourself. It can be done by positive affirmations. For example saying to yourself "I'm good, worthy person" 100 times a day if needed.

    You've beaten alcohol and drugs addiction, NoFap is very similar. Brain mechanisms are nearly the same. You should say to yourself, I'm done with PMO for good and you should truly believe that. I'm not gonna go into neuroscience behind it, let me just say that you wanna give your brain a clear signal that dopamine fix it was getting from PMO is off the table for good. That doesn't mean you won't slip/relapse from time to time, as relapses are part of the recovery for 99,9% of us, the important thing is that you teach your brain that slip/relapse is a mistake, not long awaited reward for abstaining for x-number of days.

    Some more suggestions you might find useful:
    1. Identify root cause(s) of your addiction -> You're doing cross addictions, going from one addiction to another. There must be some deeper reason for it. Just blaming stress for it won't do it. You need to identify what is causing this stress. It's usually some sort of unresolved trauma or/and depression-anxiety.
    2. Learn coping mechanism -> once you know what the underlying issue is, try to address it. That's not an easy thing to do, but here are some suggestions:
    a) Try to improve self-esteem/self-worth by setting yourself easily achievable goals (write them down on paper and tick them when you finish them)
    Most of us people struggling with addictions suffer from low self-esteem.
    Setting/achieving goals & giving service-being kind to others is the easiest way to improve our self-worth.
    b) Let go of the past -> we can't change our past, future is uncertain, so all we really have is here and now. Try focusing your mind on a present moment.
    c) Relapse plan -> you should be prepared in advance what to do in a case of a slip to prevent yourself from falling into full blown relapse when slip happens (mine looks like this -> Jul 16, 2019)
    d) Sleep, healthy Diet, daily Exercise -> 3 bedrocks of recovery. Built daily routine around them and execute them without excuses.
    e) prayer/meditation/breathing technics -> mindfulness, yoga nidra/pranayama and wimhof breathing technics are all scientifically proven stress reduction methods

    Take my advice with a grain of salt as I'm still pretty much a work in progress. All I can give you is what I've learned from others and my mistakes while battling with (P)MO addiction for the last 25 years.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2019
    Fenix Rising, Nov 12, 2019
    Fenix Rising, Nov 12, 2019
    #4
    Arnuld likes this.
  5. Nov 23, 2019 #5
    betabeta

    betabeta Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for a lots of tips. I have my plan for now to just take it slow. I have fapped once to porn (transwoman) in I think 3 weeks. Without pushing myself a whole lot. That is a long time for me. It feels like the "magic" is not there anymore.I look out of curiosity maybe every other day without fapping. But most of it doesn't interest me. My brain miss it, it wants to go back to the easy dopamine, but maybe I cant anymore? Time will tell if I can quit porn without pushing myself to hard. I looks like I can take that rout and I think it will lead me to a clean brake without the feeling that I force myself to be "normal". So I will try this way and regroup if it doesnt work out. :)
     
    betabeta, Nov 23, 2019
    betabeta, Nov 23, 2019
    #5
    Fenix Rising likes this.

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