If you are going trough hell, keep going

Here it goes. I am pretty sure I hit the rock bottom of rock bottoms today. The girl I like left for a month. I am in a psychiatric hospital getting treatment for my Schizoaffective disorder, depressive type. Mood disorder basically. Not going to write an essay about it.

Below is my plan of action so far. I am so far down the rabbit hole that I got nothing to loose. Really. I feel so shit that I dont even know what to do. I will do all of this because I hope it will get better some day. In the meantime I guess I have to go trough hell a few times.

Hopefully I can succeed this time. I started today.

1) No sugar.

2) No caffeine.

3) No PMO or anything related (hardmode).

4) Make a workout schedule. 3 days a week sounds like a good start. Starting tomorrow.

5) Cold showers.

6) Meditate.

Feel free to join if this sounds interesting. Here it goes.

 

Day 1

Going to check in every day no matter how it goes. Keep reminding myself that "this too will pass" as a zen master once put it. Today have been pretty turbulent. From suicidal to feeling ok. No PMO today and I dropped the energy drinks. Was too tired to start working out today but I did meditate. Almost fell asleep so not sure how good that session was. Cleaned up some mess in my room. The thought of cold showering today was too much to handle. That's for bad ass people. I dont feel that bad ass today. I am pretty sure my brain is in shock from me cutting down so hard on dopamine. I am in pain.

 

Thanks guys

Day 2

Still struggling. Still clean from PMO. Didn't go as well with no sugar. PMO is the greater addiction but I notice how the energy drink starts some sort of chaser effect which makes it harder to abstain from PMO too. I should go to bed earlier tomorrow. It is late and being tired is not a good way to fight urges.

I meditated today for a good 30 minutes. It was nice. Also cleaned up my room and showered. All in all today was a little more constructive than yesterday. Still feeling pretty shitty but I am going to keep it up for at least one day more. Then hopefully another after that.

 

Day 2

I am back at day 2 after a horrible PMO relapse. I need a better plan if I am going to succeed. I spend quite a bit of money on sugar. I buy something almost every day. 1 can of energy drink and a chocolate. Its around 10 dollars a day on average. I think the money aspect is something I can use to motivate myself to cut down on consumption. What if I saved all that money and spent it on something I enjoy doing instead? If I quit sugar, that's 300 bucks a month I could use on maybe a future vacation or invest in the stock market.

I use sugar to get out of my low energy state. I have to just accept low energy for now and know that it is withdrawals speaking.

And back to PMO. It is very similar but 10 times worse. These two addictions are something im going to work on now. Other than that nothing much to report. Shitty days. Just have to prepare to go trough some really bad days until my brain starts to heal.

 

@Angus McGyver Thanks I live in Norway. I did this before but it is several years since now. I dont live that close to the sea at the moment but I will for sure do it again some day in the future.

I am on day 2 again after several relapses. It is a mental challenge. My mind is a warzone. I am cutting down on anti depressives right now and I thought it was bad before. Now I feel suicidal depression every day, some days every waking hour. Today is maybe the first decent day in 2 weeks. I cant sleep at night at all because of my thoughts, hallucinations and voices. I have paranoid beliefs about the people working here. Like they are trying to hurt me and that the universe is trying to destroy me.

I know it is all in my head but I still find it very hard to let go of the beliefs and just calm down. I have spent the last days listening to endless hours of Eckhart Tolles spiritual advice on YouTube. I feel like I have some degree of presence in me. I have to just accept all the pain for now and trust that it will get better soon. I read a bit about the dopamine system and addictions today. It all makes sense. My entire system is out of balance. My brain needs healing.

 

Soon 3 full days clean. It is my longest streak in a very long time actually. I am working really hard on making it this time. I just have to give this a proper shot. It is only 3 days so far but I think I can feel some slight improvements. When I usually succumb to pain and relapse I have pushed trough some really pain in the ass moments already. I am reading about addiction online. A lot of nice resources on ybop.com. I have read it all before but I must have forgot most of it. Armed with some knowledge I feel a little more hopeful that I am going to make it. I have ruined my brain pretty much and it needs to heal.

I did some chores today. Cleaned my room a little, changed my sheets and took a shower. Still a pretty painful day but I can feel that some clogs have started moving inside my brain. Brain fog is a thing. It seems to be lifting very slightly. Maybe the best indication that my concentration is improving is that I won 11 chess matches in a row today online. New personal record.

Will check in again soon. Hopefully I can start to feel some more positivity soon. I remember that major changes have started happening after 10-30 days in the past.

 

@Angus McGyver Jeg snakker norsk

 

@Angus McGyver thanks for the offer Almost 4 full days clean now. I have pushed my way trough some stuff I dont usually do. Cleaned up a little here and there and made sure to be a little more social. Overall, today has been the best day during the last 2 weeks. It is not super in any sense of the word but it is the first day in a while that I haven't been feeling suicidal at all. I meditated for 30 minutes today and got quite deep into it. Urges are a pain at the moment. My mind tries to find ways to lure me back in. Talked more with people today. My feelings are pretty neutral today as opposed to depressed most days. On the outside I think I am more outgoing already. Had more conversations. Not as shameful and anxious as usual. Probably due to the porn scenes not being so fresh in my mind. Talked a little with the girls even. I swear one of them flirted with me today.

This journal wasn't supposed to be all about Nofap but I think it is so important to get the addiction under control. Here is a list of positive activities I am starting to integrate into my daily routine:

1. Do some chores every day. Clean up some mess if I see it and make it a habit to not think twice before doing stuff that takes less than 5 minutes.

2. Go outside and watch the stars and the moon every night before sleep.

3. Meditate at least once daily.

4. Avoid too much sugar rich foods and caffeine drinks.

5. Try to cut down on my computer use in general.

6. Go out of my room more often, especially if I am feeling bad.

7. Play table tennis.

I do all of these somewhat regularly already. I am trying to push myself to hit the gym again soon. I also want to start writing some sort of daily gratitude/positivity list. Our mind can be trained. Its like a magnet. If you force yourself to think positive it will eventually start happen naturally. I read a little about neurolinguistics and its pretty interesting how you can basically program your brain. That's what I am going to do. Re-program my brain.

 

@selfimprovement8008 thanks for the prayer Appreciated.

@Angus McGyver I have noticed that sugar addiction and PMO addiction is pretty similar. They interact in a way. When I quit PMO my brain starts to crave more sugar. PMO is the strongest of the two but if I binge on sugar it starts a downward spiral of feeling bad and it makes PMO urges stronger. Reduces willpower in a way. Same thing goes with alcohol but I am not drinking nowadays anyways.

Havent really tried the fasting thing. The chef here is pretty good. Makes healthy meals mostly. If I can just cut back on the sugar I think I am making good progress. I am loosing weight. Need to buy some new clothes soon. I often feel too tired to eat so I skip it. That's my depression. I dont really feel hungry most days but if it goes to far I end up reaching for the easy way out: Energy drinks and potato chips.

That leads me to another thing I need to focus a little more on. I am not drinking enough water. I have to make it a habit to drink more. Maybe that reduces my sugar cravings too.

5 days clean today. I am starting to ramp up some days. I was feeling generally more at ease today. Cant say I was feeling good. It was a mix of good and bad. I am opening my eyes a little more. I went to a blood test today at 8 am. Two of the other patients here are quite pretty. I enjoyed looking at them today. Had some more eye contact than usual and chatted a little.

Meditated twice and went to an art class. Painted a little.

A girl im crushing on is coming back in around a week. I usually feel a little better when she is around.

 

I made it 5 full days clean this time. I woke up and relapsed before I got out of bed. Only MO. No fantasy. May I stay strong for the chaser effect. It wasnt neccessary. I could have pushed trough the urges but I didnt. Next time I will have to be better prepared. I need to go to bed earlier so I dont feel as weak in the morning. The most dangerous times of the day is early morning and late at night. I was rationalising. The last thing that went trough my mind was that just MO is natural. I was also thinking that I wouldnt make it much longer. I know I can. It was just my addiction speaking.