If you are going trough hell, keep going

Day 1

Almost made it trough the first 24 hours now. It has been pretty painful. I regret relapsing in the first place. Very strong chaser effect. I'm surprised I even managed to push trough. Urges cant get any worse than this. I feel mentally weak. I have physical pain like nausea and pretty bad neck pain today. I slept for 3 hours because my body was hurting so much. No more day 1. It can only get better from here.

 

Done with the first 24 hours. Going to bed now. Been a little more positive in the evening. Watch some Netflix and just made the day play out. Sunday tomorrow. I hope I feel okay tomorrow but no way to predict. I just have to go with the flow. I have probably said it 100 times before but I am diagnosed with schizoaffective-depressive type. It is mostly a mood disorder with psychosis from time to time. I am working pretty hard on a lot of stuff in the hospital I am in. I have stayed here for 6 months in rehab. Goals in the long term is to get back to school and complete my degree in biology, get a nice job, get a nice girlfriend, fix my sleep schedule, get new hobbies and friends. Move back into my apartment and get myself a new pet cat.

 

Went to the gym today. Did some boxing. I am completely out of shape. Didn't remember how to throw a punch and I was completely exhausted after 5 minutes at the boxing bag. Made me feel better afterwards. I am going to hit the gym again soon and do a proper workout.

 

Horrible day today. So much symptoms. I was hallucinating, had panic attacks and suicidal thoughts was on a different level. I was about to act on it because of a belief I had at the moment that everyone wanted to hurt me. They gave me two options: To take some tranquelizers or send me away by ambulance. Havent slept in 36 hours or so. I am just loosing it at the moment. I need time to sort stuff. I think loads of therapy is important right now. I need to collect my thoughts before proceeding.

 

Day 2

Its been 2 rainy months. Deeply depressed until yesterday. I have been working really hard on letting go of my endless stream of negative thinking. Deep down I know that I am an idiot for thinking the same thoughts over and over again. I am having conspiracy theories about people which cant possibly be true. Lots of anger and frustration for nothing. So the last 2 days I managed to break it up a little and see that I dont have to believe everything I am thinking. It helped a bit. So now I haven't thought about ending my life for 2 days. I also feel a little more ready to take on my PMO addiction. I may very well fall back into depression soon but it helps to see that there exists something other than darkness once in a while.

I messaged my crush today. Been 5 weeks since I last saw her. We had a nice little conversation back and forth. Hopefully this chapter of my life is soon over. Its been years of hospitalisations and suicide attempts. I really hope I can come out on top for once.

 

Day 5

Started feeling a little better. Feeling more motivated to start working out again. Stuff seems to fall into place pretty rapidly. As if the universe was waiting for me to start taking responsibility over my life. My crush visited today. We got a date tomorrow. I have a lot of layers to break trough before I feel like myself again but this seems like a good start. It is only day 5. Brain fog is starting to lift a little and I am already socialising more. Of course it helps that my crush is here for a week. I feel a lot better when she is around.

 

Day 6

Feeling pretty good today actually. Brain fog is lifting some more. Only slept 3 hours tonight. I am going to bed now super tired but happy with my day. Flirted a lot with the girl I like. More outgoing in general. Had some real fun conversations with some guys tonight. Didn't log on to my computer until now. Feeling optimistic about tomorrow as well. I cant give nofap all the credit for feeling better recently. It is a combination of several factors but PMO isn't dragging me back down as usual.

 

Day 7

The counter isn't correct. Tried updating it now. Starting on my 7th day now. Not much to say. Today was okay. No urges. Pretty strong emotions which I dont know how to handle yet. A guy here is stalking my crush and messes up for me. Even I get tired of him so I cant imagine how it must be for her. I am planning on inviting her out on a date. She suggested we go to a spa facility during the holidays. That made me quite scared actually. I actually feel dizzy around her sometimes. Pretty strong emotions. I dont really know how to handle them yet. I am usually just numb around girls. I dont think I can handle a Spa just yet but hopefully we can do something a little less scary together. This serves as good motivation to stay clean until she leaves on Friday. Hopefully I can muster the courage to actually secure a real date before then.

 

1 week. Made it 7 full days. It is almost midnight on my 7th day. My longest streak in half a year. Stressfull day coming up tomorrow so I better go to sleep before I have to fight urges. I am recovering already and I am in a better place than just 7 days ago but I am experiencing brutal up and downs. I dont feel the need to check in here as often. Not much to say on a day to day basis. I am planning on working on other stuff besides nofap.

 

Day 8

Feels good to loose count over the days. I have an accurate counter on my phone. I think I am 8 full days clean now. Yesterday was my first real test. I knew today was going to be stressfull and I was really close to a relapse. The rational part of my brain saved me. It was close. I remembered how bad it always feels after a relapse. I didn't want to spill my chances with this girl I am hitting on right now. And I didn't regret. Instead of feeling shameful and anxious from relapsing I was feeling strong. I didn't talk a lot with my crush today. I was out of town most of the day but we got some time to talk at the end of the day. She told me she have been a bailee dancer for 5 years in the past. I mean, we have chatted for this long and she haven't even told? So we talked a bit about dancing. I find that quite attractive. I am sure she talked solo about herself for a good 15 minutes straight today. She usually doesn't open up that much but I notice that I am less afraid of talking about my own life, emotions, flaws etc. I think she notices that and feels more comfortable too.

On a second note, I feel fat. I am going to do something about it and hit the gym. Tomorrow.

I am getting better at hitting the bed at appropriate times. A proper sleep schedule helps on my mental state.

 

Day 9

I feel slight improvements since yesterday. I feel like my brain is changing. I dont think urges is going to be a big problem anytime soon. I am decided on staying clean for a while. One thing I noticed today is that eye contact is getting very strong. I can gaze into a girls eyes for a minute without breaking eye contact and it feels great.

Accepted an invitation to a cabin trip with a buddy next week. I think it is going to be good

 

Day 10

@Paraeinstein I am going to focus more on the no sugar part soon. I have been indulging less in junk food recently and spent less money at the store. One part is that sugar is plain unhealthy so I want to cut out most of the candy and soda I am consuming. The second factor is the money part. The cost of all of it is quickly adding up. I want to be able to save those money into stocks instead.

Today was pretty smooth sailing. I went outdoors and made some hot dogs on a campfire and built a snowman. On the way there I joked with a girl about buying a house. She asked if she could move in with me. We kept the joke going and started planning out everything. It was quite exiting to flirt in this way. I have this girl I am crushing on but today I felt a strong pull to also flirt with other girls. I am controlling myself but it was too tempting to just play around today. I feel like my interactions are smoother. I dont need to force anything. I just wait for something to happen then act on it.

My crush is flirting back a lot now. Touching me quite often. We went shopping today but we haven't got any time to be completely alone yet. I need to take the next step pretty soon. She is leaving tomorrow and it is no guarantee I see her again anytime soon unless we plan a meeting. I dont want to kiss her here, and I want to take it further with a proper date. I will need her number and I want to invite her to a date in person before she leaves. It is pretty scary but I think I can do it.