Working towards an honest intimacy - my reboot log.

A few interesting days. I had another nocturnal emission Wednesday morning 6 days after the previous one. It really took me by surprise because I was not having a sexual dream. I was dreaming though. This is maybe a product of desexualising my daily thoughts, and therefore my dreams are less sexual also.
After the previous emission I had feelings of anxiety and low mood connected with my belief that if I O then I will not be able to perform for my wife so she will end up looking for sexual gratification from someone else. This thought was illogical on so many levels and has grown from having O without her in the past.
My reframed thinking presents nocturnal emissions as a healthy thing with the body self regulating semen retention and recycling. The day after this latest nocturnal emission I was full of energy and was in a really good mood which surprised me in a very pleasant way. It has given me a really positive reference to these natural events.
I am starting to believe that a good proportion of my physiological responses to O in the past have been psychosomatic. The physical responses existed but were brought about by my thinking patterns. No doubt I have had non psychosomatic physiological responses to this latest emission but because my thinking is different those responses have been either positive or negatively insignificant.
Something I think will never change is having to be vigilant for sexual thinking triggers in the environment. Any interaction with media or real life humans has potential to trigger me . These triggers are mainly visual and often I can spot them without visually focusing on them and manage to avoid looking directly at them. Sometimes, however, they enter my direct field of view either by accident or my eyes flick there out of automatic habit. The key for me if this happens is to immediately change my visual focus, and make sure my mind is engaged in something different. I often use the word 'No' mentally and silently under my breath to change focus. This is an interesting process, I am denying myself lots of little dopamine hits throughout the day but gaining a far more significant and honest mental space which means I can communicate with those around me authentically and with an open heart and mind. Incredible wholesome process! I feel like I am freeing myself from a mental cage I have been trapped in since puberty.

 

It used to be. I was like a kid whose parents had gone away. I feel much more of a grown up now. Not much will be different. I suppose in the past I have done what I thought my wife wanted me to do when with her, then acted out my thoughts when she was not. Now those two things are the same . My thoughts are in line with my behaviour so nothing changes when I am free from social obligation to behave in a certain way. In the past I have modified my behaviour to please, but not addressed my thoughts.That was not sustainable. I feel so much more honest now.

 

I have managed to step up my mindfulness practice to about 15 minutes a day which I think is helping with being aware of my thinking. It is really important for me to be aware of my thinking when we are being intimate especially as we are in the process of gradually ramping up the heat.If I drift off I start thinking about how to get more stimulation, or what I think my wife wants me to do next,and do not focus on the present and all the exquisit subtle sensations my body is experiencing.
A tricky habit to let go of is maintaining an erection. With the kind of intimacy we are doing erections come and go. We have periods where we are not sexually focused, we may be stroking each others hair or giving a hand massage, or just holding each other. The automatic behaviour is to try and maintain that erection either by thought or by physical movement, or even by asking for more stimulation. By us both being comfortable with erections coming and going throughout our intimacy, its another thing I can relax about and focus on the other bodily sensations I am having away from the sexual stimulation.
I am so happy my wife is accepting of this. If she demanded constant erections I think I would definitely have performance anxiety, but by her accepting they will come and go, I feel no pressure apart from the pressure of historic automatic thinking patterns which are slowly dissolving away.

 

I only started making progress when I first forgave myself for the mistakes I had made in the past. It is heartening to hear you are managing to have that self compassion. So many on here appear to struggle with self forgiveness. Keep up the good work!

 

I have been looking into acceptance and commitment therapy - a kind of CBT, which helps with accepting the people we are based on our history, recognising we have no control over our automatic thoughts but don't need to 'fuse' with them,and learning to live our lives based on our values.
One technique for becoming less fused with ones automatic thoughts is to give your mind a name. I thought this strange to begin with but soon got the hang of it. It enables me to see my thoughts more as advice rather than the voice of a dictator. I am able to say "Is that really useful to think about that now Brian?" (I call it Brian) Just by interrupting the thought with such a question gets me back on track.
I did get quite short with Brian when he piped up while I was kissing my wife and was a little rude to him
Of course to actually become conscious that one is thinking in the first place is the first step and that involves practicing mindfulness. A skill I definitely need to practice daily or it becomes harder.
Yesterday we had a whole day off together which I was looking forward to but was struggling to relax because I was thinking about the work I had to do the next day. I didn't realise I was doing this until I did a brief mindfulness session half way through the day, which brought things into perspective.
I better get on with that work I am meant to do today, and will post again later to talk about the interesting intimacy I had this morning...

 

So we were hotter than normal and I could feel an impulsive drive (or habit) moving me towards being hotter still. There were two very specific lucid moments where I was conscious of my sex drive. One where I was not even thinking about my actions which felt totally natural, and another where I came to a crossroads. I knew that if I carried on with the intimacy at the level it was I would lose my erection, or I could heat things up more so this wouldn't happen. I realised that maintaining an erection was not the goal of our intimacy, and that we had been hotter than since we started the counter and we have no need to rush into things. I was fearful of slipping back into habitual sexual behaviour. So instead of heating things up, we just held each other while my erection subsided.
We discussed the session that evening and were both glad we hadn't taken things further, and are really enjoying feeling the desire build within us.

 

A couple of quiet days. Lots of I love you's and hugs and kisses, and work. We like to play games in the evening. 15 minutes of cards or a bit longer. It is something we can do together and have a bit of fun with. Important to keep up the bonding while there are other pressures on our time.

 

I think it is amazing how my beliefs and perceptions of a sexual relationship have changed over the last 3 months.So many of these perceptions and beliefs have just gone totally unchallenged all my life.
For example:
BELIEFS I USED TO HAVE:
I need to ejaculate regularly or I will explode (physically or psychologically).
Orgasmic sex is essential to an intimate relationship.
It is healthy to think about and fantasise about sex most of the time.
I cannot help looking at sexually stimulating images.
Being affectionate to my wife is a way to get sex.
I do not need affection, I need sex.
If only my sexual relationship was perfect, everything else would be too.
I need to ejaculate in order to sleep/feel good/cheer up/relax/feel comfortable/etc etc
There are some things she is better off not knowing.
If I do not give my wife orgasmic sex as often as possible she will look elsewhere.

My NEW HEALTHIER BELIEFS include:
My body will regulate ejaculation.
Openness and honesty are essential to an intimate relationship.
Sexual stimulation is something I reserve for my intimate relationship.
Being affectionate with my wife brings security and strength to our relationship.
To be open to affection I need to trust my wife with my vulnerability.
An intimate relationship is so much more that sex.
I can learn how to manage my moods and emotions.
Talking opening and honestly builds intimacy and trust.

I am at the start of the process of developing healthy habits which fit with these new beliefs. It is hard work and humans naturally try to avoid hard work, but the rewards are hard to describe they are so plentiful. I feel like I have spent most of my life trapped in a maze of sexually focused thinking. " I am a man, I need to have sex". Freeing myself from this has been like taking the handbrake off my mind. I can think freer and cleaner. I have noticed I have started building better friendships. I am not comparing myself to others, and am content and confident in who I am. I get a buzz off most social contact now, whether it is a smile in the street or discussion with a friend or colleague.
I didn't realise how much insecurity I had before observing my thinking patterns on a day to day basis over the last 3 months.
I know I will never be perfect but by living by my new values and beliefs I have changed direction.

 

Thanks guys! 90 days on this attempt. I tried about 4 years ago but did not change my beliefs and just tried to change my behaviour. I thought I could still have all the hot sex I wanted just without the O, which didn't work out. I thought it was ok to have sexual thoughts throughout the day then expect my wife to be raring to go just like me. However she had not been fantasizing all day, and there was a big disconnect between me and her. I started Oing again, and thought edging would be ok too, but she could tell I wasnt present when we were intimate. And we used to find it so hard to talk about sex. Now we have created a daily habit of talking, and make affection a priority. I hope this lasts for ever and I feel like it could.I also know a 35 or so year habit isn't going to change overnight or even over just 90 days, so I shall stay vigilant! Really thankful to be able to share my thoughts and feelings here.

 

A difficult weekend with visitors disrupting routines, but I managed to get through unscathed. My wife and i had an interesting conversation about making love. Sunday morning while being close and intimate but without any sexual agenda I did have a desire to make things hotter. I did not act on the desire because I was not sure my wife wanted to and also I was suspicious of the thought. On discussion that evening I realised that i have a bit of a conflict going on in my head. On the one hand I really want to rid myself of my habitual sexual thinking which leads to goal orientated orgasmic sex. And on the other hand I want to express my love with my wife by being sensuously close.
I realised that the big difference is motivation.
Before this reboot, when I used to initiate sex my mind would usually have gone over what I wanted to happen and the expected outcome sometimes hours or even days before the event. I would have planned out how it would go. Some times this would work, sometimes not. But the motivation to carry out this plan was sexual pleasure and strengthening our relationship. We have all heard the term 'healthy sexual relationship'. In my mind that meant having sex would make our relationship healthy, so i had to make it happen. I believed that by taking specific physical, sexual action I could literally 'make' love.
Now analysing my new beliefs and behaviour I had a revelation. I have done away with the belief that our relationship 'needs' sex, and we are both happy with the closeness and bonding we are doing instead, however I have started getting these desires to be more intimate. The revelation is that the desires to be more intimate are because of our bonding and closeness. That pleasure and desire of wanting to be even closer is driving the behaviour rather than me instigating it to get the pleasure.
The difference may seem subtle but in practical terms it means several things:
1) We cannot plan sex. We can plan time to be close with bonding and kissing but if we are not psychologically, physiologically and spiritually in the right place, its not going to happen. If those feelings of joy and desire that lead to a deeper intimacy do not surface,that is fine.
2)We do not expect sex. Expectations create stress and anxiety. We commit to being proactive in our bonding activities and if that spills over into a deeper connection then that is an unexpected delight.
3)Closer intimacy is an indicator of general wellbeing and a healthy relationship. We must be doing something right!

Interestingly, when I managed to finally express these feelings to my wife she responded by declaring that is exactly what she has been trying to tell me for 20 years or so!
Well at least we are on the same page now

 

It can be difficult to accept that my libido can go up and down and not blame it on our relationship. I am going through a quite intense period at university this week. I spent years believing good sex=good relationship, and that I must fancy/have the hots for my wife all the time for our relationship to be worth pursuing. I know I have to accept the reality that I too have ups and downs of libido and this does not reflect on the state of my love for my wife or hers for me.
It is really useful to write this down right now. It helps put things in perspective and stops my stressed mind drifting off onto other topics looking for a solution to this discomfort I am feeling from my work load.

 

It is about at this level of stress that my mind poses the question ...so why are you doing this? And for a very brief moment I wasn't sure. I had to check back to remember what my goals were, and realised I didn't have any related to sex. So then a feeling of numbness and and dumbness overcame me. I stopped and observed these feelings.
"Why are we not having sex again?"The thought felt familiar but dirty.
The answer came quickly. "We are having sex." We touch in sexually intimate ways, we give each other sexual pleasure.
The trick was to tune down the craving for more and enjoy the amazing body and mind sensations of being sexually aroused .
This all happened in less than a minute, but I see how this may have turned my thinking in the past, had i not been able to stop, and think about it.

 

Wow, 100 days!
The longest I have gone without P,M or O for 40 years (I am 48).
The more I reflect back on my PMO past the more I can see how it was such a strong addiction.
I read peoples' stories of giving up and the amazing difference in their lives after just a few days. This is great, and I felt that too, but the longer I go the more I realise this is a long term process.
I remember stopping drinking for 8 months, then starting again. I hear stories of people stopping smoking for years, then starting again.
I currently feel like I have spent the last 100 days slowly deprogramming my brain from being sexually orientated where anything in my environment was fair game to use as stimulation.I am now slowly feeling more sexual but in a very wholesome relationship orientated way. I still feel there is a long way to go, but I think I may be coming out of about a 90 day self induced flatline.