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Don't do P (my story)

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by LeeUK, Nov 18, 2019.

  1. LeeUK

    LeeUK Fapstronaut

    I'm writing this in hope that it helps someone, I've been on my nofap journey for around 3 years but have only been serious about it since April this year (sadly). I am 31 years old and have been heavily addicted to P since I was 12/13 years old. Because of it I have still yet to reach my full potential. I am doing a lot better with it now but far from being cured. I believe in the next year or so I will be rid of it, fingers crossed. My story is a sad one at least for me, hopefully some of the younger lot on here can read this and think about what they are doing to themselves and how it severely affects your future.

    I was always full of energy when I was a kid, very upbeat and had tonnes of friends. When I hit my teenage years this all changed. I started smoking weed every day, drinking on weekends and although I was already doing M, I discovered P. I remember being 13 and had a friend who was 18. He used to buy me alcohol and cigarettes from the shop. I asked him to buy me a P magazine one day and he did. I'd never actually owned one especially brand new. It completely changed how I done M and the amount of times also. Fast forward about 3 years I got my first laptop and had internet installed at home. Before I go into that I want to mention that in these 3 years I had the chance I get with at least 12 girls and only managed to properly hook up with 1 who became my GF for about 6 weeks. The rest I either just kissed or did nothing. To this day I still feel like an idiot for not getting with all of them. I was a kid and should have been having fun instead of being cooped up in my room with a magazine!

    At age 16 I was officially online. It didn't take long for me to start searching for P. I was a complete noob and could only find paid sites and was just looking at previews. A friend of my dad's came over to install some things on it for me as he was a bit of a computer geek. Just as a joke he opened up a P site. I have no idea why he did it but I still visit this site today in my weakest moments. From here my addiction really developed and set in. I can't remember how much I was doing it at first but after a year or so it was 2/3 times per day and this stayed the same until I was 28. 12 years of serious mental damage. How did it affect me?

    I started watching very extreme stuff, sick even. My mind has been permanently warped by the things I've watched and fapped to. Nothing violent but women shaming themselves for $ in ways my brain can't even comprehend. Only when I am on a good nofap steak can I even look at a woman without thinking about what I would do to them given the chance. I have virtually no standards at all. As long as a woman is has made an effort and is clean I wouldn't be able to say no. It's like having no self value and I'm a good looking guy too only when I fap I'm like a zombie with no confidence. It has held me back in every way possible including jobs and self development. In ways I still feel like a kid. I still live at home with my parents even though I do everything myself and pay my own way. Only now have I been able to save up money for a place of my own and will be doing so next year. I have nofap to thank for that. Every relationship I've ever been lucky to have has been destroyed by PMO. I've always looked for other things to blame but ultimately it was all down to PMO. I was the one with a problem. I've developed mental health issues including depression and anxiety. I now have a sleep disorder which is tied into the above. My life has been and still is some days a total mess!

    I saw a lot of posts about people thinking they are gay and being confused/bi curious. It's all down to P, nothing more. It has been the same for me. I have no interest in kissing or being intimate with a guy but have thought about M and BJ's with men 1000's of times. My brain has developed a fixation of older men and I've done more than just think about it. I've M with men online via cam quite a few times, I've shared pictures of myself and created profiles on gay dating websites offering myself to older men only. The closest I got to actually doing it was when I was talking to a man for over a week and we had arranged for him to pick me up and take me to his place on evening. It got to the point where I was comfortable with him seeing my face and getting naked for him on video call every night without even thinking about it. I was constantly fapping and thinking about our meet and how badly I wanted it to happen. I took a day off work that week because of how much I was distracted. On the day we had arranged I snapped out of it and realized if I went through with this I'd most likely regret it and hate myself. I was so close through, if we had planned to do it sooner I am almost sure it would have happened. This was purely because of the amount of P I exposed myself to over the years. It's a sickness. This is the first time I have ever shared this with anyone.

    I relapsed over the weekend and feel like garbage. I had 2 days off and many plans and feel like it has been a waste. That's why I wanted to share this today because I can't keep letting this happen, neither can you if you are reading this and can relate.

    Key points:

    Don't let yourself become like me. Life is precious, don't waste it.

    P addiction is nasty business and can lead to suicide.

    You are not gay. P is destroying your brain.

    You do not have ED. Don't touch it for a week and it will be as strong as your arm.

    You can block P from your home broadband and mobile data. Make sure you don't have the passwords. Filter adult material on WiFi and make sure if isn't altered. Switch you mobile data to moderate or strict and register the online account with someone else's email, make them create a password. No more access.

    Stay away from P.

    Good luck!
     
  2. Homelander

    Homelander Fapstronaut

    Thanks for sharing your story Lee.

    "but far from being cured. I believe in the next year or so I will be rid of it, fingers crossed"

    You already took the most important step by realizing that you are sick and you want to get better and be the best version of yourself.
    Just stay strong and determined and you will get there eventually, because like me you also know there is no other way to
    get better.
     
    Mrmohager likes this.

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