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Please Help - Horrible Porn-Induced Lies

Discussion in 'Compulsive Sexual Behavior' started by Optimum Fortitude, Nov 10, 2019.

  1. Hi guys,

    I know a girl who has a borderline personality. She has a really sad family history and has no friends.

    When I was deep into my P addiction, she would always text me and I didn't what to do to push her off in a nice way. One day, I started telling her crazy invented pornographic stories about myself.

    Initially, I wanted her to be disgusted by me. But she was just listening and asking more questions, believing everything I was telling her.

    I knew she had a psychological issue, but because I was only texting her (knew her IRL from past), I didn't realize how horrible I was toying with her. I told her all sorts of crazy pornographic stories, making her believe my porn-induced fantasies had actuallt happened to me. And she believed it all.

    I feel so terrible and guilty because I know she is psychologically vulnerable.

    One day I met that girl again IRL because I knew it was my only way to have closure and stop my deviant behavior. I had to face her IRL to realize my actions were impacting a real person's life.

    I never told her that a lot of things she believes on my sexual life are completely fake. But I still feel so horrible. She is a vunerable person because of her borderline personality. So I don't know if telling the truth won't make her snap or something. Or if she forgives me, I don't even know how she could. I just wish she would act normal and say I'm crazy and not want to talk to me ever again. But I know she will forgive me because I'm the only friend she has in her life.

    On top of that, I had sex with her twice. And I just don't know how to create distance between her and I. The situation makes me feel absolutely horrible. I feel like I have to protect her because she is vuneralble. And at the same time I feel like my lies are unacceptable. I

    They were a porn induced. I quit P 90 days ago. I'm starting to realize how completely deviant my behavior was.

    Please help
     
  2. TheLightOne

    TheLightOne Fapstronaut

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    Its pretty fucked up but ppl do worse things ;)
     
  3. Ironically, this is exactly how to pick up most women.
     
  4. What would you do though? Tell the truth? I am having a hard time dealing with the guilt.
     
  5. You better because when the truth comes out, and it's not from you, YOU will look like the asshole. Certain things like history of past abuse, especially as a child are okay to keep IMO. When we got married, I told my wife about the time I was in kindergarten and two girls in first grade made me touch them under their bathing suits. I didn't know it was REALLY bad at the time, but I knew it was supposed to "be a secret." But if I kept it a secret from my wife, no big deal. It was so long ago and the people involved are away somewhere. I've forgiven them. Determining whether or not something will be harmful and the repercussions it will have takes wisdom. And if we were wise people, we wouldn't be posting here.
    Is she a stable person? Will this collapse her whole worldview if you reveal yourself? It's possible she may forgive you or even have surprises of her own for YOU!
     
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  6. Hesychast

    Hesychast Fapstronaut

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    People living with BPD are full of surprises. It's not great to typecast people based on a PD but I've had extensive experience dating girls with the condition. Invariably, they have many secrets of their own which they do not communicate, as a consequence of the intense fear of abandonment they feel.

    I don't think there's anything to lose by being honest really... There's every chance you might end up finding some things out which will knock you for six eventually. I wouldn't worry so much about protecting her, more about why you feel the need to protect her. Honestly, she'll have her own methods of coping and very likely, more social contact than you're aware of. One thing that has occurred time and time again in my borderline relationships has been dishonesty about who she was seeking validation from.

    I hate to say it, but there's a very strong tendency for people living with BPD to unintentionally be incredibly manipulative. It has to do with the core lack of 'sense of self' and intensely polarised view of people (black and white thinking/splitting.)
    Have you read much about the condition? It's something you need to gently ease yourself into but it might help you realise over time that your own issues (ie, being dishonest about your sexual experiences,) are yours to work through, and hers are her own.
     
  7. I see this a lot with girlfriends or spouses of criminals. They always pick up the phone when these scumbags are locked up. Because they're afraid of being abandoned and the only love ever shown them was by these scumbags. They're the ones who bring in all the contraband during visits.
     
  8. I told the girl about all the lies yesterday night. At first she said it wasn't a big deal and that she suspected it (hm, I don't believe it). But then she kinda went ballistic and sent me something like 30 messages of which she later deleted about 15. But she still seems to be caught in some sort of manipulation.

    I really don't know how to get rid of her without hurting her feelings.
     
  9. blunt.ever

    blunt.ever Fapstronaut

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    It's very simple, but you are complict all. Just get rid of her without many reasons. She will understand in future.
     
  10. Yea. I know it's what I have to do. But I suffer from codependency. It makes me feel terrible to hurt people's feelings. How wiyld you get rid of her, just stop talking back?
     
  11. Minsc

    Minsc Fapstronaut

    One lady attempted breaking off from me by saying she had to go work on herself. While I believe she was being polite, I also believe she was telling the truth. In turn I did, but not easily. I still want to reach out to her, yet know it's not best.

    You have all the cards you need. Be gentle about it, turn away and don't look back. Have faith she'll find a way through without you. Have faith you'll both be better off by doing so.
     
  12. Thanks so much.
     
  13. PurgeTheUrge

    PurgeTheUrge Fapstronaut

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    This is a sh*&ty situation you've created for both yourself and the woman you describe.
    Maybe the best thing to do would be to contact her one last time and offer her your apology and terminate contact with her.
    You aren't dong her or yourself any good in this relationship. She'll be okay and you can get on with taking care of yourself first and foremost.
     
  14. I'm trying to cut ties or at least distance myself now, but she's hammering me with resentful messages and doesn't want to let this go. I guess I'll delay my answers as much as I can until she calms down.
     
  15. When I was younger i got this girls number one time and i was 50/50 about even calling her so i put it off for a couple of days and she started calling me and i really wasnt that into her and let it go to voice mail, and then I said to myself 'you know what i am going to just call her out of the blue and demand sex" , My mind was telling me she would probly think i was a perv and she would lose my number because we have not talked since i got her number a few days eariler and was avoiding her calls . I called demanded sex and she got very interested so i just had to lose her number because i wasnt going to have sex with her , gee you try to say crazy things to women to get them to leave u alone and stop calling and sometimes it just turns them on
     
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  16. Hesychast

    Hesychast Fapstronaut

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    Straight up untreated BPD unfortunately... You honestly just have to walk away and ignore the messages. Once you stop giving her supply she will move on to someone else who validates her and tolerates the abuse.

    I'm a codependent as well. Despite that it's been 2 years since my last relationship I still find myself drawn to volatile and ultimately unavailable women, it's incredible.
    This can be an unpopular statement to make but check out r/BPDlovedones on Reddit. The behaviour ends up being predictable, it's incredible how many people post there at different levels of involvement and stages in the relationship with the same stories. I was reading your updates since I last posted and having mental images of my own phone blowing up with volleys of stream-of-consciousness anger, paranoia and hatred in the final stages of my last relationship... Followed by the apologies etc etc.

    It's a cycle, and unfortunately it all comes down to how long you want to remain in that cycle. The recovery process for BPD takes decades rather than years, requires constant (1+ session per week,) psychotherapy and it's the sad truth that if you want to stick around for it you will just get shit on mercilessly.

    I happened across this lady's articles while I was trying to make sense of my last relationship; I don't agree with everything she says at all but it gave me enough to really question what I was going through, more's to the point, why I'm consistently attracted to the kind of person who willingly hurts me, and start to make sense of it.

    https://sharischreiber.com/articles-and-forums/

    I'm glad you were able to admit that you lied to her in your initial posts, and the amount of remorse you've expressed over it. That tells me that you're aware you've acted in error, and self-awareness leads to the resolve needed in order to change. The mental conflict and self-loathing you feel for acting like that is your punishment- that's your motivation for trying not to make the same mistake again in the future.
     
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  17. Thanks for the support and comforting message. It's actually really scary how she's succeeded to keep me under control for so long. I've been trying to cut ties for years but she's always managed to keep me in her life and every time it's getting worst.

    In the last stages I fucked her twice and she seemed more stable but now that I've decided to be completly honest about my lies she's in full attack mode, trying to close her claws on me (i.e. trying to force me to be even MORE involved and looking for a commitment from me, or admitting stuff I never even said in the first place) doing a whole bunch of straight up emotional blackmail.

    I'm gonna try to stay away, but I already notice that she's trying different tactics to get me to answer or get a reaction from me. What scares me is that she could send emails to my boss or colleagues, or call my office and say a while bunch of crazy shit about. It's that fear that keeps me answering her all the time. The fear of what crazy shit she's gonna pull to get a reaction from me.

    The last major incident (4 months ago), I completely blocked her. She stayed silent for maybe a month but one day she sent an email on my PROFESSIONAL email address - like WTF! I have 2 assistants with full access to my inbox.

    And I made a huge mistake: I was scared so I gave her my personal email and told her to never contact me ever again on my pro email. But then she seemed to have "evolved" and taken her problem seriously so I started talking to her again, but it was BS (and I knew it was but I was feeling lonely).

    I'm worried she'll contact me at my office again. And I'm worried that if I threaten her to file a complaint at the police, she'll report some fake shit about me.

    I really need to get that woman out of my life. She's been sucking my time and headspace for years now.

    I'm glad to realize I'm not alone though. One of the reasons I stayed so long in this relationship is because I have always tried to convince her that she had BPD and seek treatment with a therapist but she is in absolute denial and thinks I'm the crazy onr who needs help. It's very scary - and sad.

    PS: Thanks for the link. Looks like a goldmine of useful info.
     
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2019
  18. Hesychast

    Hesychast Fapstronaut

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    All the best. Honestly, the sooner you just cut her out the better. No contact. It could be a different story if she were seeking treatment, but as I said, the return to functionality happens over decades rather than years.
    She will very likely pull some ridiculous shit in the aftermath, but the longer it drags out the worse the 'revenge' gets. After I broke up with my ex she showed up at my parents house and got them onside about how I need help and this and the other. They actually took her side for a while, that's how persuasive she was.

    The sooner you just block, ignore, and move on the better. Maybe inform your workmates that you made an oopsie with a girl you've been dating and to expect her to make contact with your workplace. It seems way overkill, like 'noone would be that unhinged would they?' but there's a chance you might find out that yeah, people can definitely be that unhinged.

    The best you can do is read up and get ready to be embarrassed or accused of horrible things, but it won't last long IF you just ignore, ignore, ignore. It feels really tempting to try and defend yourself but you have to remember that it's an untreated mental illness which has a psychotic element- when she's sending all that horrible stuff she's actually lost touch with reality. That's the part that needs extensive therapy- reclaiming the parts of her personality she shut out as a child and integrating them into a cohesive whole.

    I'm writing this as someone who has their own issues with dissociation, a history of intermittent psychosis etc- not taking the moral high ground, just stating fact. I was a horribly disordered person, and have the potential to still be as such- it took about 10 years of therapy before enough of my core trauma was exposed and discussed to even realise that I have a similar mechanism at work within myself. It's been 4 years since then and I'm still learning how to live with it.
     
  19. PurgeTheUrge

    PurgeTheUrge Fapstronaut

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    At this point I think the best thing for you to do is terminate all contact with her. She clearly has issues. Protect yourself. Block her calls/texts...
     
    Optimum Fortitude likes this.
  20. Hi y'all.

    I went silent the last two days and she sent me about 30 messages (she seems to be working hard at controling her compulsions this time), trying different tactics to get a reaction from me, showing different faces and switching between splitting and hoovering. After extensive readings about BPD, I think she shows a lot of traits of the BPD Waif.

    I wrote a short and sweet message that I'm about to send in 15-30 minutes before completely blocking her, making it clear to her (and I) that I took the definite decision to move on in life.

    I felt obligated towards myself to do a clean cut. I don't care if she goes insane because of it or whatever, but at least I'll know for myself I treated her like a human being and not simply dumped her like a used can of soda. Despite all the madness I feel truly sorry for her.

    I now pray that she's not going to do a smear campaign against me. But given that it's not the first time I try to cut her off my life and that she hasn't ruined my life in the past, there are some chances she won't ruin it this time.

    Worst case scenario, my colleagues will know I'm a PMO weirdo. Or at least I used to be.
     

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