Trying to decide whether to stay or go...

I am so sorry to read your story. If you don't want complete, open, honest feedback about this then just skip my post. I am known to be blunt AF and not "rosy and rainbows" about PA.

I can only tell you if my bf was contacting prostitutes and random hook ups I would be done. That is something that can affect your personal health if he gets with a hooker or other women that have STD's!! And because he is a liar and has proven time over time that he cannot be trusted, if he says he used a condom would you believe him? Sex addiction/porn addiction is more important to addicts than relationships, health, reputation, etc.

This may be a sensitive subject, but why did you decided to get back with this dude after your first failure of a relationship with him? Did he say he changed? Were you in a desperate situation and needed his financial help? He cheated on you and the woman's husband called you, right? And he had ED and trouble getting to orgasm during that first relationship with you too? What does he do for you that makes up for all of that and is it really worth it? Do you think you could easily find those good qualities in another man that doesn't betray you? My point is, you don't have to settle. You are worth more than that!

Porn addiction, PIED/ED, lying, and cheating doesn't go away when the man isn't willing to change. (Nor does it change by the SO's leading/guiding.) When the SO leads/guides the PA and sets up therapy appts and checks up on him to see if his computer history is clean, etc. it never works. It makes the PA more manipulating, sneaky, and clever about hiding his addiction. Only he can fix this by getting to the root of the issue that is causing him to be an addict. That is hard work on his part! He has to be willing and wanting to get rid of porn. Do you think he would go to a therapist weekly, get a porn filter on all electronics, give you control of finances, talk with an accountability partner, read books, listen to podcasts, start replacing bad habits with good ones, and tell you his whereabouts? Would you want all of that responsibility even?

If you are wanting to stay with him just know you will be in this for life. PA never is "cured". It is sobriety that must be maintained via accountability. Do you want to spend many, many more years of your life dealing with his issues? Do you want to put your child at risk of catching him jerking off or finding porn on his computer or phone? This addiction causes men to do stupid, reckless things like masturbating in the bathroom without locking the door or spending all their money on hookers instead of rent! Honestly, PA isn't a picnic and it is emotionally exhausting. So many of the SO's here on NoFap are tied via marriage and children--up to 40 years worth of this crap--and if it wasn't so complex they would cut and run.

What is "tbi" mean?

 

I am sorry you have to deal with this. It is not what you signed up for, even though you weren't completely blind going in the second time. As to your love for him, it is based on a complete set of lies. You have no idea who he really is a what your reality with him has been.
As an addict, I will say that before I got sober, I didn't know how to tell the truth if I wanted to, and wouldn't if I could have because it was way too scary. It took me 5 years to work up to a full disclosure and I even lied in that! Came clean because of a polygraph and an incredible wife I do not deserve. I'm still learning how to tell the truth and that will continue until I'm in the ground.

You are in love with what you want to believe about this guy and his potential but the reality is very different than what he has led you to believe. Maybe he will change? It's a very long and painful road.
I wish for you wisdom in your decision.

 

Lol! The polygraph is one thing that saved my marriage and really taught me to trust my gut. It never ceases to amaze me that an so will “ believe” the person who has continually lied to them! Knowing I can spring a polygraph and will, helps my husband be honest and just makes me feel safer! It helps that we can afford that. He refuses to take one then he knows where the door is.

 

I say give him 1 more chance but tell him "ITS YOUR LAST CHANCE>>>>" That is he falls from grace 1 more time it is OVER.

Like that Jet song "Last Chance Honey....This is your LAST CHANCE"

 

Ultimatums like that too soon in the process are a sure recipe for failure.
The path to recovery from sex addiction takes years of hard work. learning through failures along the way is part of that hard work and also has to be part of the commitment of the SO who is signing up for the journey.
There are no amount of consequences or ultimatums that will change an addict's behavior. Learning how to be honest and engage in meaningful relationships, along with unpacking some of the root causes of the addictive behavior and learning healthy alternatives is the journey that anyone seeking lasting change needs to embark on. The challenge is we have years and often decades of history learning and practicing destructive behavior. Though it doesn't happen as quickly as we wish it would, change can happen, and there is hope for those in the middle of the storm.

 

You’re in the right place to get insight.
I would tell you, you can support your man and live separate from him.

in fact I’d advise that—because it will help; you can both develop guidelines for your relationship without sacrificing your home life.

love doesn’t have to mean live together. He’s young though and all of this can be reversed, not as a cure, think of it as antibodies against the live strain.

Sex addiction means he uses sex to deal with life. Sex is not about connection But rather escape. It’s not the same as porn addiction but they can happen to the same person.

Hang in there sister,