Teenage psycho nitemare

I’m on day 63 since I purposely orgasmed, it has been about 205 days since I began this journey and have masturbated less than 50 times since then. I’m writing this to tell my story, and get this off my mind. I began in April because I had watched YouTube videos and wanted to improve myself. Work on my social skills, confidence etc. I had just gone through a breakup with a girl that I had been dating in and off for about 2 years. The first few weeks were terrible I was lonely and I felt it, i was finally aware of everything. At first I had a ten day streak, relapsed and after that went a full 86 days without. This was over the summer which probably is the hardest, considering a lot of alone time and doing nothing. But I kept myself occupied, and I got through it. I went hiking in the Rocky Mountains for 2 weeks, and when I got home I wanted to reinvent myself. Go on bike rides everyday and just stay out of the house. So here I am, the day after I get back, on some trail near my house, and I check my phone and I got a text from this girl. She missed me or whatever, the whole spiel. At first I remained strong, wasn’t going to text back, thought about deleting it. I wish I had, I texted back and we basically resumed where we left off. In the past the whole relationship was just toxic, terrible. But it was reinvented, we connected, we had long conversations, it was like all that time apart helped us grow. After a few weeks, my family is going to be out for a whole day. So I’m excited about it, and I tell her, and we plan on her coming over for a few hours. Fast forward about a week, it’s the day I have all of the equipment. We do the stuff, get in bed, and I can’t get it up. I try, but nothing works, eventually we just stop trying, then she leaves it was all fine I guess. After I’m just like wtf, my dick doesn’t work, I think it was just anxiety and all of the pressure to perform and finish, we totally overdid talking about it. So I relapsed, and I did again, for about a week. I maintained some streaks throughout the next month or so, but nothing long term. Most was 20 days. But still everything is fine, school started and for the first couple of days everything was fine, we talked a little, kissed, hugged. But like, our conversations were awkward asf, just so cringy. We barely talked, just stupid. And like, she’d be sitting next to me, and be taking to another dude right in front of me. This when on for a few weeks , then one day she sits next to her friend instead of me. And she does for a few days, so I’m like fuck it, this whole thing is stupid. We’re not hanging out, and she’s rejecting me when I ask her out. So I break up with her, it felt like we just weren’t compatible I told her that we didn’t really have anything in common. You know, let’s be friends. I meant it, like let’s just erase all the pressure of romance and just get comfortable with each other. Maybe hug occasionally, sounds stupid now. But she takes it to heart, and that creates a whole drama. Then one day I’m just like fuck it, let’s get things back on track. So I start nofap again, the streak I’m on. I start reading more, occupying myself. Then one day the basketball coach tells me to come to his workouts after school, so i start coming. We had tournaments on Saturday’s, the season is coming up so I start practicing and playing everyday to get ready. Everything was great, so on her Birthday I send her a happy birthday text and don’t get a response, I’m sad a little but I shrug it off. But I still get a little lonely every now and again, I miss having that connection, and well I want to have sex. I’m a teenager, and I’m horny asf and I don’t want to beat my meat and it seems like sex is the only way to get it done. I’m not really social so getting a girlfriend would be hard, and it’s like. I don’t want to sound cocky or anything, but I feel like I could get back with her if I wanted. It’s like the horny animal side of me is saying get back with her for sex, and the human side is like no that’s wrong. But I’m about to get my car which would allow us to hangout, and sex might improve our relationship. This is a long pretty useless passage, but I could really use some advice

 

Thanks bro, very good advice. I know we’re not compatible at all but it’s almost comfortable, feels like I can always go back. Thanks for your advice I will continue with my pros and cons list.