Please do not see this post as an assault or judgement on anyone but rather take this and search your own heart. I have been a smoker for almost 12 years where I quit somewhere in year 8 just to start again after two years. I am now clean again for almost 8 months. The thing about smoking is that you know it is extremely bad for you yet you continue to do it. If you ask any smoker they will always tell you that they wish they could quit but then they would also give you an excuse why they can't. When I wanted to quit smoking I always struggled with my heart. I wanted so bad to quit but at the same time I didn't. It was too nice and my excuses justified my addiction. (too much stress, social benefits). I would always say I still have time, I will quit later. In light of the current PMO war on Conquered Self and the challenges I see on NoFap it is staggering to see so many people relapse all the time. On Conquered Self the war went from 700 people to 90 people in 20 days. I cannot help but wonder, and this is true of my past self, If this is an issue of the heart. What is mean by that is, do you really WANT to quit or is it a nice sentiment to still your conscious or guilt. I know all my previous attempts was always just to make myself feel better, that at least I am trying. This justified my relapses because, I am trying so don't be so hard on yourself. I had to search my heart and at the root I discovered, I didn't want to quit, I like porn too much and it makes me feel good. When I discovered this I could bring this into the presence of God (YHWH) and ask him to remove this heart of stone and give me a new heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26 Shining light on darkness exposes the truth and then you know what you are dealing with. When you remove weeds from the garden, simply removing the leaves and top part is not enough. You NEED to remove that weed with its ROOTS. The same is true of sin. You need to remove that desire or you will keep going back to that sin. What I am asking you today is to search your heart, really search it and determine if you still have that desire deep down in your heart or are you REALLY in a place to move on. I am not arrogant and I know that I might still fall, but my desire to move on outweighs my desire to go back and by the grace of YHWH I know he will keep me. As always may YHWH bless you all!!
I don't like porn at all. But the addiction respective the urges change a lot in me, making me think, feel in an urge very different than without urge. I noticed that the situation after lepasing is very different from the situation shortly before, because my hormonal system changed rapidly. I noticed that the feelings, the thinking etc. is different in an urge than hours or days befour. So I try to change this situation when I am in an urge again by anticipating when I have a free mind. I prepare this situation in the future, trying to change it in favour to be strong enough to resist. Because I know I will be different when the urges come back. So I provide for it - not to fall.
You've hit it on the head. Admitting to myself that I *loved* P was one of the first steps toward getting free of it. After five years of fighting, I finally discovered that I was keeping the flame of lust alive within myself through P-subs and giving in to sexualized thinking. Since dropping both of those practices, I have found a freedom I never knew before. I think Lewis describes the process beautifully in The Great Divorce: http://www.graceseattle.org/uploads/documents/Great-Divorce-Lewis.pdf We must yield ourselves to Christ completely and let him do what is needed to kill the lizard of lust so that it can be transformed into what he always meant for that desire within us to be -- something strong and wonderful instead of low and dirty.
Bingo! I've been searching my own heart over the past few months to try to understand why I kept going back to P. It was as you say; I loved it and didn't want to let it go! It was my own false god that I kept worshiping in secret. I posted something about this in my journal, finally realizing that quitting porn reminds me of how I quit file-sharing a while ago. They feel the same to me now.
