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Is it better to PE with my gf than to hold back?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by +TenPercent, Nov 26, 2019.

  1. Serious question. And admittedly, thoughts of PE (premature ejaculation) can trigger old fantasies for me.

    Years of porn use and excessive (and extended) masturbation have left me with a great capacity to delay orgasm or to even have sex without orgasm at all. But . . . is that a good thing?

    I am in a fairly new relationship (3 months) and my girlfriend has been struggling with my desires to practice semen retention and/or karezza. As an orgasm addict, having O's can really bring back old fantasies, behaviours and temptations. I thought we were doing great until she told me that she felt "humiliated" by having orgasms with me while I wasn't having them with her. In short, she's getting lost in the moment and I'm not.

    She has been gracious enough to try to support my desires to refrain from O, but I think it would also be reasonable for me to have orgasms with her sometimes. And it would help build intimacy.

    If I choose to have orgasms with her, I can:
    1. Exercise some control and try to orgasm only after we have been having sex for a fair amount of time.
    2. Not hold back at all and probably orgasm in a minute or less. (PE)
    I have even heard that some women kind of like it when a guy prematurely ejaculates. (They take it as a sign that she really does it for him). Conversely, I have learned on here that the opposite problem, delayed ejaculation (DE), can make women feel insecure about themselves, thinking that they can't satisfy their partner.

    And my gf definitely seems happier when I orgasm.

    So, my question is, thinking from her perspective, is it better for me to not hold back at all, even if it means that I will likely PE?
     
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. Suk

    Suk Fapstronaut

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    Hi,
    Not sure about delayed orgasm but sex without orgasm or karezza is good for rebooting so it's not a bad thing. Well, what i think is you should just get out of your head while having sex, just relax...let it flow! Ik this is not easy but it all depends on how much intimate you are with her, these thoughts that "what if i PE?" will make you stressed rather than enjoy the moment....if you PE so be it. She has no problem with that, she just wants you to enjoy it like she does. Don't hold back at all, just let it flow....and as for your reboot, this will help your brain heal too depending upon where you are with your reboot.
     
    Deleted Account and +TenPercent like this.

  3. Exactly what I'm doing with my wife! Go with the flow dude. :cool:
     
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  4. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    The most erotic interaction is short in duration. I would much prefer a brief, passionate encounter (meaning PE) than a long, lukewarm session with only me getting off. In the long run, I'm not sure I could even be with a man with DE or one that doesn't orgasm (unless of course there was a medical reason for it, then it wouldn't be a problem at all). It would make me insecure and "humiliated", much like your girlfriend describes it. PE to me is a sign that everything is firing like it should; if it goes too quick it just means that I soon will have another chance to a great tete a tete!

    Anyway, there you have another woman's perspective.
     
  5. My experience is that women do like it when a man is aroused by them. Given the choice, I think many would prefer the passion to be overwhelming for him other than an Olympic sport. Plus, women rightly often see sex in a wider context.
     
  6. @Lilla_My thank you so much for offering your female perspective.
    Sometimes we get the cold hard truth from the women we're dating, but there's always some doubt in our minds if we're getting the whole truth.
    More than once I've had a gf tell me that my anatomy is okay or that my porn use is okay, only to have them tell me something very different when the relationship is over. :oops:
    And none ever told me that my DE or my not having orgasms was an issue until this one.
    *I am so grateful for the women on NoFap giving me their perspective on these things!!*

    Moving forward, I will try my best to not hold back (to have one of those brief, passionate encounters) - though I am still very uncertain about how I will react to the thoughts and feelings of inadequacy that may stem from that. And I am nervous about how every orgasm kicks off new rounds of chaser effects and renewed urges to MO and even PMO.
     
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  7. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    My wife prefers me to spend time being intimate and close with her rather than Oing. She doesn't like the O being the focus and much prefers the gentle bonding behaviour without O which can carry on wherever and whenever we like. She knows she 'does' it for me because of my attention to her and my state of arousal.
    I much prefer the gentle slow burn pleasure of bonding, connection and arousal to the 5 seconds of intense high, and then feelings of helplessness brought on by Oing.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  8. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I much prefer him coming quick over de every day of the week. I hated how long it used to take him, absolutely hated it. I didn’t tell him at first because I didn’t want to embarrass or hurt his feelings, and because I really didn’t know how long it was supposed to take, lol. Once I knew about the porn? I took my gloves off, figuratively. He try something I didn’t like I told him immediately even if it ruined the moment. Because he was struggling with the chaser after sex we have tried different things, but me having o’s without him just isn’t something I care for all that much. You just need to find what works for you as a couple.
     
  9. Nicko Stretch

    Nicko Stretch Fapstronaut

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    I have to clarify I have never suffered from DE, and neither of us see O as important or required when making love. My wife really does not like fast high friction sex.
     
    +TenPercent likes this.
  10. Well, in the last few days I have had O's twice with my gf . . . and she loved it! :)

    The first time she used de-sensitizing cream and still I felt like I could easily O, so I told her and she asked me to hold back until she was ready to orgasm. So yeah, we had *Simultaneous Orgasm!* :D

    The second time was in the morning and lasted about 2 minutes with me really trying to hold back, but unsuccessfully. It was perfect. :):)
     
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  11. Poland

    Poland Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for sharing this. I had no idea that DE could create such strong and negative feelings w/ our SO -- I'm currently suffering from both PIED and DE, and I mistakenly thought this only affected me. My wife and I will definitely have this discussion today!!!
     
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  12. Poland

    Poland Fapstronaut

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    I totally agree. Guys tend to be myopic and closed-off regarding matters of physical and mental health -- I know I was for a long, long time!

    It's fantastic to hear from both men and women on these topics -- lord knows they don't teach any of this stuff in school. It's one thing to read a white paper or clinical analysis of ED, DE, etc., but it's quite another to get first-hand stories from the very people experiencing it directly!!

    Thank you all for the details and thoughts, it's helping me recognize ALL of the many corners and angles of these topics -- and it's really a positive in my relationship too!!!
     
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2019
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  13. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Ditto, what Lila said. I despised his Ed from the beginning, I never felt like he was “ into me”. I didn’t even have anything to compare it to but hated it. I’ll take pe any day of the week! I love how sensitive he is now and how he “ can’t hold back”! Yeah baby! Lol love it,
     
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  14. This is so very, very encouraging to hear!! I wish more of us, men and women, could have an open dialogue about this because I'm sure that most men believe that PE is just about the worst thing ever.

    From now on, I will definitely try (or not try!) to just let go and not hold back when I'm making love to my girlfriend. :)

    The last few times that I did PE, I felt so completely drained afterwards that I could have very easily just fallen asleep right then and there! (and it's interesting that I do not feel so drained when I DE or don't orgasm at all . . .) I do feel guilty that our love making ends so quickly because of me, that she doesn't have an orgasm, and that she has to go clean up afterwards while I lay in bed waiting for her to come back and snuggle. :oops:

    I think I secretly wish that she would make me give her oral after. I would do it gladly, but I just feel so drained afterwards. And, I have done this once in the past. She told me I was "crazy" when I did that, but she certainly didn't complain! :cool:

    What do you ladies think? From your perspective, would it help if I did that? I think I can understand how the passionate moment of PE is totally worth it, but do you feel a let down after? What do you do after a PE experience with your partners?
     
  15. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    My husband always makes sure I orgasm. Too be honest though, I come quickly too and usually at the same time or right after. Just ask her! What does she want? Is she fine with just cuddling or does she want more? Every woman is different, just as every man is. I don’t call it pe... I call it awesome, he’s finally excited by me....
     
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  16. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Now if after you orgasm you just roll over and go to sleep leaving her hanging then that’s a problem. If my husband had ever done that we would’ve had some serious words... it’s a team effort!! Lol
     
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  17. Lilla_My

    Lilla_My Fapstronaut

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    Totally agree with all of this! (And I also call it "awesome" and not PE) :)

    I would like it either way (oral, no oral). As long as you show that you care about her pleasure, it's not so important. It usually goes really quick for me as well, but if there is no o, that's totally fine.

    Again, you should ask her what she wants (it sounds like she wants the oral), and/or just give her a cuddle afterwards. Many women value that a lot. I just prefer to go on about my business until it's time for the next round.
     
  18. You are both so lucky to orgasm quickly! :)
    My gf will not orgasm from PIV alone and usually takes her a long time to reach orgasm (perhaps because she masturbates regularly).
    I did give her oral this morning and she did get off pretty quick. We have not made love since Monday and the pleasure was all focused on her this morning, but I definitely felt better giving her an O after not getting her there the last few times. :)

    This confirms my suspicions. ;)
    And, at least from my end, I know that I would feel better knowing that she had an orgasm, too.

    When I was active in my addiction, I would always give oral first so that my partner would have at least one O knowing that I would probably end up with DE, PIED and/or just not having an orgasm myself. :oops:

    Everything is much, much better now that I have given up the porn and masturbation. I love that I can focus all of my sexual energy on my partner and I'm learning that my PE is more of a blessing than a curse! :)
     
  19. I had PE with my girlfriend today and it was AWFUL! :(

    The other times were never this bad, or this short. I decided to not hold back and as soon as I was inside of her, I ejaculated. (I guess I did hold back some, at least until I was inside) :oops:

    I'm not sure that I even had an orgasm. And she didn't even know that I had ejaculated. It was just really sad. I couldn't think of anything to say and she didn't have anything to say either, but the look in her eyes made me feel like she had lost a lot of respect for me. :oops:

    In the moment, I felt like I couldn't blame her if she wanted to break up with me for that.

    And then I had to go to work - leaving her with a mess to clean up :rolleyes:

    I apologized and everything seems okay between us. Hopefully it is. And hopefully I will get a chance to redeem myself. I'm thinking that I will want to revert back to my old mindset of "holding back", at least at first, as well as trying not to worry about PE because that might just make it happen all over again . . .
     
  20. I tried to edge in the shower and had PE before I even got an erection :oops:

    That's three times this week. Ugh. Afraid that I might have lost all ability to hold back. :eek:

    And my girlfriend has again suggested that maybe we just shouldn't have sex :(
     

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