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Trying to gain back my SOs trust

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Acky31, Mar 30, 2018.

  1. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 618.

    This past week and a half off work has gone really well. We haven't got as much done on the house as we had hoped, as we wanted to do all of the flooring while off, but the build will be finished hopefully this week, and we will get the flooring done over the next few weeks. We are really happy with how it's going, but it has been tiring and hard work, but it will be well worth it in the end.

    We had friends over at the weekend to celebrate completing the house, though it ended up being a bit premature, though we had a great night. We then took our eldest to see Frozen 2 at the cinema, which I admit, I enjoyed quite a bit! Though it was excellent just to see the excitement in her when we were going and sitting down in there. Quite magical actually. We plan to take both kids to the pantomime leading up to Christmas.

    Despite being quite tired over the past weeks or so, we havent argued much at all. Often tiredness leads to frustration and arguments, but we've been going well, though I've not posted on here as I intended. Getting out of routine makes things difficult for me and, as I've said before, is something that I need to work on. I also need to sort a good routine for day to day stuff to try and fix things more firmly in place.
     
  2. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 625.

    This weekend has been really good (except the part yesterday morning with the headache and the vomit...)

    It was my staff Christmas party, and it was 80s themed fancy dress, and I dressed as boy George... (pulled it off though!) Tan went as my plus one, and we drank, and ate and danced with some pretty cool people. A good night all in all.

    I wasn't well in the morning though...

    Saturday also saw the builders officially finish the house work! Though that doesn't mean that our job is finished. We have wood floor to lay, and more cleaning, dusting and mopping to last us the rest of our lives. All hopefully before Christmas.

    Today was good back at work. I Co presented another presentation, which went well, though kind of forgot about it until the last minute, so I could have been better prepared.


    I listened to a podcast today about the side effects of porn addiction, where he talked about the obvious escalation problems and the increased riskyness, depression etc but he mostly talked about the problems with self esteem, motivation and love.

    He spoke of there being a lack of ability to believe themselves worthy of love, being unconfident and feeling undeserving of love because of addiction in many people he has spoken with, and believes that it is often linked to the addiction.

    I can see how it could leave you with an underlying sense of worthlessness, especially if in a relationship whilst acting out. Sneaking and lying whilst betraying the one you love will undoubtedly leave you feeling unworthy. That's certainly how I felt for a long time in my relationship, yet still I took her for granted.

    I know not to take her and my kids for granted now.
     
    Butterfly1988 and mrtumnus like this.
  3. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 631.

    Monday night ended up in an argument about lying. Tan read my post on here and became suspicious of me. I guess that's what my actions have caused, and I don't know if the damage will ever be resolved. I don't think we've had an argument like this for quite a while, and she didn't particularly want to speak to me much after.

    Our youngest daughter has been unwell recently and tuesday morning she coughed so much she vomited all over our eldest daughter and the couch.

    The rest of the week has been better. Work has gone well and yesterday we made some excellent progress installing the wood floor in the kitchen. On Thursday the Christmas decorations were put up, after some stress getting the house ready for them. This year still seems quite un Christmasy though. Perhaps partly because Tan is working Christmas day, and part because we are still working on the house. My fingers are crossed that at least one of these things will be resolved before the big day as we will have all the family round for lunch, and the kids are at a great age to enjoy it all this year!
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  4. Sorry to hear, Acky. I find it very hard to support a spouse during recovery - we're doing the right things now and expect to be rewarded/encouraged for it. But the damage is done and it is our job to help clean up. Were you hiding or inadvertently lying about something? I include "smoothing things over" in this category, as the root is the same - fearing to share yourself, all of yourself, with your partner.

    Not pointing fingers, just wondering if you've reflected on anything "new" that might have surfaced. As usual, I am encouraged by your consistency in posting here and rooting for your progress.
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  5. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    There wasn't anything that I reflected on that was new, though the podcast did make me reflect on how porn, and lying about it for all of those years made me feel.

    I think my consistency at the moment could be better, and in truth, I think that is the problem, and is the problem I seem to struggle with the most. I think that over time I become complacent in my efforts like posting on here; I used to be on here every day, but now it's every few days. I could blame the fact that my shift patterns have changed and I now spend longer at work each day with a shorter break where I get no access to Internet, but I don't spend time on evenings writing or reading things on here. Today I'm on here because Tan is on a late, and it gives me a short amount of time on my own.

    I know it's good to occupy my free time with things such as this, and I have been busy in a lot of our free time with house stuff (and I do treasure the evenings spending some down time with Tan after work), but I probably, in truth, could be doing more.

    As always I really appreciate your input, it does buoy me knowing that people do read my entries, though I know that sometimes they can be a bit rubbish at times... Thanks!
     
    mrtumnus likes this.
  6. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 658.

    Well first of all: Merry Christmas and Happy New year!

    Its been a while since I posted, ironically after posting about consistency. I admit that it's been busy and hectic around here the past few weeks, but that doesn't excuse me from finding at least a little time for this.

    As I said, we have been very busy in the run up to Christmas. We were battling to get the house finished in time for a family meal and new years party in our new kitchen/dining room, and I'm glad to say the Tan and I managed to get all of the flooring laid, and the house thoroughly tidied (multiple times...) ready for guests. All of this while making the usual Christmas preparations like gift buying/wrapping and decorations going up.

    Im glad to say all of the effort, stress and tiring nights getting everything read we're worth it, though Christmas wasn't the same without Tan while she was working. She won't be working next year though but that's a while off yet, and hopefully preparations will be much easier.

    We also had a funeral to attend between Christmas and New year which was hard for me. Its the first funeral I've been to since my mams, and it was at the same crematorium and one of the pieces of music played was the same, I nearly ended up falling to pieces... But I was okay with Tan by my side and it ended up being nice to see some old friends afterwards.

    On New year's eve we hosted a party to see in the new decade, which was pretty good. We tried to keep the kids up a little later, but they didn't last later than 9:30pm ish. It was a good night of eating drinking and talking with family and friends but wasn't too late a night seeing as we had the alarm clocks* set in the morning (*children!)

    New year's eve also saw my best friend propose to his now fiancée. She is Russian and they were both in Russia celebrating. The wedding will also be in Russia which poses a slight financial and organisational conundrum on getting there and organising travel and accommodation etc. Other than that I'm pretty excited and happy for them. Though I expect a speech to a Russian audience could also be a touch difficult...

    I hope to be posting more regularly going into the new year, and as of Monday we will both be starting new fitness regimes and diets as the festive season has quite got the better of us!
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  7. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 659.

    Tan has been on lates this weekend. Usually they are a source of tension between us, I don't think this weekend has been any different, but they have gone well none the less.

    I think that it reminds Tan that I would likely have PMd while she was working a late shift, and that she has no control whether that happens again, and our trust hasn't been rebuilt yet, meaning she can't entirely trust that I'm not going back to the same old ways.

    My consistency, as mentioned a hundred times before, is likely one of the main reasons for that, and it's obviously my own fault for these feelings, but I try to get through these late shifts by being busy.

    Usually I'll do chores around the house; tonight (after getting the kids to bed) I've ironed, sorted the washing out, sorted the dishwasher and generally tidied up a little. I also try and message Tan through the night to try and alleviate her worry.

    I hope to post on here more frequently going forward, obviously it's more difficult now, but I hope that I'll be able to achieve it!
     
    hope4healing likes this.
  8. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 664.

    Tan is on a late and I've got the kids to bed (though they've had a bit of a late one), so I'm currently listening to music while reading and writing on here. Tan won't be too long though.

    I love listening to music, it gives an escape and there is always a song that matches how you feel, or a nostalgic song that can make you reminisce. There are also songs that make you think of sad times as well, and I love them just as much.

    Anyway... This week has gone really well, we have finally taken the Christmas decorations down, and things are back to normal again in the house (though it's the first time since the house was finished that it's been 'normal'). We went to and amateur dramatics panto on Wednesday which was pretty funny, obviously not the highest quality production, but pretty good for amateurs.

    Works been pretty good, hopefully it will be good next week too, though I think it might get a bit busier from now on.

    Tomorrow we are going to be doing some final touches to the kitchen/dining room. A touch of paint, sorting the breakfast bar out before tiling a little.

    We will also be picking Tans car up from a garage that said they can't fix it. Looks like we will be taking it to the dealership to get it fixed (and probably losing some limbs to pay for it...) hey ho, I'm sure we'll manage!
     
  9. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 673.

    Its been over a week since I last posted which is frustrating, and obviously my fault, I know I should make the time to journal here more often, as I have written about several times now but still without any progress, this contributed to an argument yesterday, which is understandable, and is part of my wider consistency/complacency problems.

    Yesterday Tan was at work most of the day, so I had the kids. We spent the morning tidying up and then went for a good long walk into town before walking to the park. It was cold but was great to get out with the kids, and they were really well behaved, and was an excellent day.
    When Tan got back, we went shopping and the kids flipped a switch and turned into demons... I think the walking made them tired and caused them to go hyperactive in the supermarket.

    I have appliex for a new job in the same department I currently work in, which would be a kind of promotion, though I'm not filled with hope on how successful I will be, although my responsibilities are steadily ramping up at the moment without any signs of a pay rise.

    Anyway, I again hope I will find the time to write on here more frequently moving forward, though those words have been written before.
     
  10. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 681.

    This last week has been pretty good, and the weekend was excellent. We had a child free night, not that we got more sleep due to a late night (drunken on my half...) and went to battle archery, which was actually very good fun.

    I wasn't successful in getting the job I applied for, but only because of political reasons, it was forced to be to internal candidates only so it will now go to external candidates as well, so I will apply again and see what happens... Though I still don't hold much hope.

    Tan is on a late shift tonight, so I'm currently eating pizza after I tidied up the kitchen and got the kids to bed. Quite tired today, can't hack drinking anymore, I'm still paying for it two days later. Old timer at 29... I blame having kids...

    We will have 4 weddings to got to between now and July, one of those in Russia, and one on our wedding anniversary (which will be awesome), so plenty of happiness to celebrate. I love weddings, everyone is happy and celebrating and enjoying the day, it always makes me remember our wedding, which was without a doubt, one of my favourite days.
     
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  11. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 686.

    Tan is at work this weekend, so I've got the kids to myself today. They have been great so far (for the most part...) though they are having a chocolate treat right now, so that may change shortly...

    This week has gone quite well, Tan had some friends over yesterday with their kids for some food, which I gladly ate with them when I got in from work. The kids all enjoyed seeing each other and playing.

    We also went out later, for a reassurance scan. That's right, Tan is pregnant!

    Its only early days, hence the reassurance scan, but we are feeling a bit better now than last time, and the scan has helped with that. Tan has also been experiencing a lot of "morning" sickness throughout the day, so I've been trying to help with things as much as possible around the house. Tans previous pregnancies are anything to go by, then things will only get more difficult as it goes on. Fingers crossed, but we are both pleased and hopeful!
     
  12. Congratulations, Acky! Are you excited to have the opportunity to raise a child in recovery? I know I regret being in the fog of PMO while my kids were young (they still are, I guess).
     
    lardy_renewed and Acky31 like this.
  13. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    I'm really excited. Obviously we have two kids already, but a third I think will be a total change. I think our kids will be at great ages (they'll be 5 and 3) so I think they will (hopefully) be quite supportive and understanding. They already share attention between them, so we hope that makes them more patient with another sibling.

    We are stoked, but Tan hates pregnancy, and her symptoms have come thick and fast, which on one hand is reassuring looking back to the miscarriage, but on the other hand, it's difficult for her to work without retching, and the symptoms will only get worse in later pregnancy when she will likely need crutches to get about.

    I'm hoping that through all of this, I will be able to be more supportive in helping make the day to day more manageable. I think I have managed that over the past few weeks, even if it is just by doing a few more chores and cooking or looking after the kids a bit more. And I've been more understanding and patient when Tan hasn't been able to help out as much. Though obviously Tan is the ultimate judge of my help at the moment.



    This past week has been really good. Tan and I have both been off, we have spent some great time with the kids and have had a bit of time to ourselves as well, though as ever, it doesn't feel like we have had a rest while we have been off. Back to work tomorrow, I expect things will have changed when I go back as there has been an inspection, and I'm now officially in charge of non-gynae cytology...
     
    mrtumnus and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  14. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 703.

    This week is going well so far, back to work with a bump (time off all but forgotten about), but work is going okay though, busy, but I enjoy working in my lab.

    I got some encouraging news yesterday to do with work, after I have applied for a "promotion" in the lab, and one of my managers indicated that I will at least be offered an interview for it, and gave me a few tips, so fingers crossed I can pull it off.

    Tan has been back at work as well, she is currently on a late shift, so I have spent my time tidying up the kitchen, after seeing to the kids. They were pretty well behaved tonight. Our youngest has been more difficult recently on a night, after we have stopped her having a dummy (pacifier) to sleep. On the whole that has gone okay though, just made things a little bit harder on an evening, but she is sleeping no worse really.

    Tan is still struggling with morning sickness, but she has powered through work. As I said, I have been trying my best to help with things, and be more patient and supportive. I have also tried to keep her mood up with my incredibly witty and funny jokes which naturally help her no end...
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  15. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 708.

    Tan is at work this morning so I've spent it tidying, doing the laundry, hoovering, tidying some more (as the kids leave trails of destruction through the house!) and playing about with the kids.

    I like to take time with the kids to just muck about. Though, I do have a fair amount of stuff to do, and we have family to visit before meeting up with Tan and heading for food at Tans parents.

    This week hasn't been too bad, in fact work has gone pretty good. Tan and I talked about future job prospects and the next few years look pretty promising. I really feel quite excited about work at the moment.

    I also have loads of work to do for a new portfolio, towards a specialist diploma in cellular pathology. It means even more work than my last portfolio, but it will be worth it when done, and will mean more chances of progression.

    Tan and I had an a argument on Tuesday though, and it's the same as always, I'm slipping on my NoFap commitments, and obviously with us expecting our 3rd child, I really should be stepping up my game, not letting it slide. I need a plan, and I need to stick to it, and then I need to talk to Tan about it all more often again, and I need to start working out again; although I'm still quite slim, I'm developing a bit of a "gut"...
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.
  16. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 709.

    Yesterday was interesting. Snow made travel to work impossible yesterday morning as traffic was horrendous with people stuck on roads, so I decided to go in late and turned around. Tan visited a patient on her day off (she is a district nurse) as no one could get to her to give her insulin. When we met up at home, we spent the morning eating pancakes with the kids before I set off to work again.

    Today, work has been very busy, and I've barely stopped, but I enjoy it, and the day goes fast when its like that. Tan is on a late this evening, so I've seen to the kids, tidied the kitchen and made some food.

    We have just had another argument about effort after Tan was triggered by me during a phone call. She doesn't feel like she can trust me still, and it's because she thinks I've given up with recovery, and she thinks I could well just be back to watching porn again. It hurts me when things like that are said, but I guess that it's my own fault for not putting the effort in that I should be. I know I said the other day about needing to buck up, but I still haven't made any effort and I really need to.
     
  17. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 710.

    The argument yesterday sparked a new start. Today has been a new start, where I wrote out some new daily commitments, including writing on here more regularly again.

    I have also committed to keeping a couple of additional journals, one where I write about podcasts that I have listened to, and another where I jot down my thoughts and feelings of the day.

    I'm also going to start doing exercise again. I need to do this one, not only as part of my recovery, but to improve how I feel in myself.

    I'd also like to start meditating more regularly again, though after discussing with Tan, the best time will probably be before bed, which will likely also help with sleep (not that I struggle to sleep usually).

    So despite last night's argument, I have felt pretty good today, and I feel positive about my refreshed commitments, and I am going to keep committed this time.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  18. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 713.

    Today has been good. Managed to get time to meditate this morning before work, which set me up well for the day, though the day was busy.

    I've been keeping up with writing my "offline" journals (my podcast review and my daily journal) and I think it's going pretty well. Haven't started exercise yet, will start soon though. I'm pretty happy with the plan at the moment, and I've been trying to keep talking to Tan about what I'm doing, to keep a good positive communication going about it.

    I have written an evolving list of dailies that I'm going to stick to as well, and I feel more confident than I have in a while that I can build up some consistency.

    This weekend should be quite good. We have just bought a new tropical fish tank (our house is slowly turning into an aquarium...) so we will be spending a bit of time planting it out and "aquascaping" it before we add some fish next week.

    We also are going to one of our friends weddings tomorrow evening (child free) so I'm looking forward to seeing friends, and enjoying a lie in on Sunday morning!
     
  19. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 716.

    This weekend has been really good, Tan and I spent some good time together.

    Firstly we set up a new fish tank, which was interesting, but got it set up in the end. We tried doing something new and it didn't work out quite right, (for anyone interested we used soil as a substrate and we messed it up a bit...) but it's looking okay now.

    Saturday evening we went to a Nigerian wedding which was pretty cool and very lively and energetic, and the food was good too, just a shame that the drink was so expensive...

    The next morning wasn't too bad, dry mouth and bit of a bad head, but otherwise, I wasnt in too bad a condition. We spent the morning shopping and finishing off the fish tank before heading through to Tans parents to get the kids and have some Sunday lunch.

    We also found out the dates that my best friend will be getting married. 21st April, in Russia. So as you can see we have plenty of time to get a visa and organise flights and accommodation etc... So we are running around like headless chickens trying to organise things.

    I do feel a little guilty for not posting over the weekend, especially after my enthusiasm last week, but I'm committed to continuing and being more consistent.

    Today was good though, as this morning we got to take a glimpse at our new addition, getting along nicely in the oven at 12 weeks. Was a good morning, but now we are both tired sat on the couch ready for bed...
     
  20. Acky31

    Acky31 Fapstronaut

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    Day 717.

    Today has been okay. Busy at work but productive. I've managed to journal in both my journals, and listen to a couple of podcasts, I feel pretty good with keeping up with my dailies, seems like a small thing, but its work in the right direction.

    We are still working on getting everything organised for our trip to Russia in a couple of months. Its a little stressful but we have made some progress, but it seems more complicated than I expected to get a visa, which isn't helpful at such short notice...
     
    Psalm27:1my light likes this.

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