Afraid of being alone

So first of it has been a while since i was on this site.
Always have and always will wish everyone hear the best and be with you guys in spirit that you achieve all your goals in life
I can say that after a very long time of ups and downs i have finaly quit porn and mastrubation for good.
The key is just patience dont force yourself dont set a date like i have to achieve 90 days and so on.
One day it will hit you that what you are doing is wrong and that you cant keep on this road. It is a hard road full of pain and anger but at the end it is worth it.
Now for people who still remeber me on here know i type the way i talk in circles sometimes and long so this will be a long post.
Second thing they know is i am a man who only wants one thing and that is love ( majority of my posts here were relationship issues and so) .
I am writing this tk get it of my chest , it may help or it may not i just need to put it down on paper.
So where to start?
As some may know i had alot of sex which i also did this year too. As a hotel manager you meet alot of tourists and you sleep with them( to get good reviews haha) i also would mastrubate and watch alot of porn. Most know i used sex and mastrubation for my depresion like others use drugs or booze i used sex . Any girl i saw i looked at her as a sex object something to conquer combined with my sick fetishes ( which i am not ashamed of them because they are apart of me plus yes i did them all because of porn but i found out what i like and dont like so guys never be ashamed of your fetishes you like what you like, must be who you want to be). For example i found out that i did not like foot fetish after trying it did nothing for me but i did find out that i really enjoy golden showers and transwomen and sucking their dicks( not guys not attractive to me i like female beauty if you understand what i am trying to say) so if thow i belive porn is bad and majority of people use it to hide deep proboems that they might have ,porn atleast did help me find out what does and does not turn me on in sex but from personale experiemce moderation is key when it comes to fetishes.
Ok we getting of topic ( like i said we would).
So this year was a very hard year for me when it came to finding myself and my sex life and my love life and my heart. Im not the kind guy society says is normale ,i speak my mind have no problems telling you to go f of into weird things( weird as what society says is weird) have a diffrent out look in life diffrent goals and so on.
When you live in a small country and a religious country where most want your age just want to go out and get hammered while you want go to the gym then hiking then join a book club and talk about things like the meaning of life amd so on people look at you like a weirdo. I dont have friends here. Im a man of principle honour my word is my bond so my standards for friends are high.
People that i have know for years have left me when i really needed then but when they needed me i was always their for them.
So lets go to the reason of me writing this post then we will go back to my rambeling.
Like i said always the one thing i want in life is love someone that will acept me for who i am and i will acept them for who they are and work togther to make eachother better atleast that is what i belive love is. Becaise of who i am and what i belive in and the things i say( will never change my belifs to satisfy someone else) it is very hard to find someone who will acept me for who i am but i think i did.
I met this women by accident.
Like i told someone( girl that broke my penis,will get i to that later) if i took a right lile i always do me and lets call her j would have never met but i took a left and we met.
Littel back story i belive in spirtuallity ( yes my grammer sucks and i will not reread this and fix things you grammer nazi haha but yeah i agree it is wrong) .So many things have happend in my life whne it came to women that i have met and that i had a real connection with that if for example she called a second later we would have never met.
Their was this one transwoman that i met still to this day i wish her all the best. The way we met was pure fate and if anyone is interested i can type the story.
Now back to j
So we meet and we first talked on the phone for 2 hours after that i said we should go out the next day which we did.
We spent 8 hours just talking it would have been more but i told her to go to bed because she had work in 4 hours i slept on the couch in her apartment ( that was a great day i met j and the raptors beat lebron and the lakers # we the champs blood)
She was beautifull but what really attracted me to her was her mind and the person she is.
Inner beauty means so much more then looks.
Well pbased of this forum you guys can figure out things did not end good for me.
We are no togther and i have not heard from her in 3 weeks. One thing i can say to guys is in the end never beg. I just huged j kissed her and tild her that it is okay if you dont want bw with me and walked. Never degrade yourself guys.
I cant get her out of my head was foing good a few days ago but last night i dremnt about her .
I am afraid . Im 29 years old. Have met only a few women that i actuale have connected with on a deeper level and always something happens to take them away from me. Long distance is the main reason.
Like i said i am afraid of being alone.
Yes i have plenty of womems numbers and also girls wanting to go out with me but after first of i really dont want to keep doing the first dates anymore always talking aboit the same things god i feel like a broken record and plus how i am i threw the phone already see what kind of person they are. I agre i need a break i need to unwind my kind god my mind is totale fucked up. Giving up p an m has helped but i am also giving up internet and my phone and also gave up tv shows and movies. I feel it is the right thing to do . We as humans care to much of the materiale worth and false sociale media garbage to help fill this black hole in oir hearts.
Again of topic.
29 years old. Now comes the womem who want to settel down. Wait that aint love . Also what i am afraid is that at this age women will say ow we are old we need to get a house and pop a baby oit.
I want to travel with you see the world experince things with you before i settel down. That is why i am so afraid.
For examplei want to travel bit not alone. Not because i am afraid but because i can go onlone and see everything there but wjen someone you love is with you to me that means more then anything else im the kind of guy who will sit with a honeless guy in laos and talk with him all night. Well i am goong to bangkok in the next 15 days but i think you guys all know why is that .
Well i dk feel alittel bit better typing this out but i kind lost where i was going with all this haha.
I still miss j and honestly im afraid what the future will bring when it comes to my love life. Hold on will be back in 5 need to eat a kiwi kind of hungry. Ok sp im back also had some chips and talked to my plant.
I think you guys got the point of what i wanted to say i hope so haha.
In the end i just want say rhis to all ypu guys here:
Treat women right. Yes hookups are fun dude i had some much of it but at the end it just leaves yoi depressed. Have some hookups but dont go crazy with it like i did. In one evening i had drinks with one girl then had sex with another and then fooled aroind with a 3rd in the park .look at women more then just sex objects . Actuale losten to them im not sayimg to become whiped always be the man but treat women right with respect amd dignity. And trust me bloods( who ever understand where the slang blood comes from will get a cookie haha) majority of the time the grass is not greenier on the other side it might have more boobs and drunk vagins and transwoman ding alings but they will all go away eventuale and you are left all alone.
Also to the people trying to quit p and m
You will alot of set backs and alot of pain and alot of problems fighting this addiction but at the end you will succed and will beco.e stronger because of it.
For myself i still have some soul searching to do amd try to get j out of my system.
So i wosh all ypu bloods good luck and i will pop in here and their.
Take care guys

 

Yep man i am afraid of being alone. Im afraid of it so much. I do agree that the one person who is setting me back is me and my own mind.
Im on vacation right now and met this amazing women(trans) which i like alot. Thinking of staying longer in thailand but my folks back home saying that i am dumb and so on.
I get it im a guest in thailand she only sees the best of me while im here but i jist feel a connection with her. I can count on one hand how many women i have felt like this. What scares me is that i dont feel this way woth women back home. I love my self but im not what society back home says is normale. I cant have a meanigfull conversation with women back home. Maybe the uniberse is telling me to move out and go someqhere else. Maybe i should do something crazy and try something with this girl and move to thailand. I do know im not happy back home and havnt been in a while. Plus my family would never acept her because she trans but really i dont care about that . I just want to stop feeling depressed and i want to be happy. I love my own life and i shouldnt make others happy but myself

 

Just to elaborte because the k9nd of person i am my mi d is hinking of not letting her any closer because i dont want to hurt her i dont want to make her suffer in a ldr. I want someone to realise how speciale she is and take good care of her also just to elaborte she is not a bar girl or escort she is a statiske manager