Advice Needed

I think, like a lot of guys on here say, it's the messed up dopamine levels/brain wiring that porn messes up our brain's natural hormonal signals and sex drive.

I have a rampant sex drive (5 times a day if I could, my wife can't keep up!) but sometimes I wonder if PMO had a role in this? I'm 34 (she's 31) but I feel l have a higher libido than I did in my teens or twenties!!

The weird thing about NoFap to me is flatlines, my brain wants sex but my dick takes a while to follow suit sometimes. It's very unnerving for any guy to go through! Your husband must be the same.

 

At least he knows & realises this now. As they say though, love always finds a way! Xx

 

I appreciate sex is an amazing bonding process and many people see it as essential to an intimate relationship.

That sounds absolutely horrible, I think I would be angry too.Why do you think he wasn't affectionate towards you when you needed it most?

 

It was a real revelation to me when I realised sex and affection are totally different things and that one does not need to lead to the other. Affection is such a massive part of an intimate relationship. However I also know that P, M and O(even with my wife but not as badly) can totally kill my desire to be close in an affectionate way.

 

Hard mode. 60-90 days. And cut out greasy bad food. Gotta keep the blood flowing and Semen retention. Don’t set a date or anticipate. When the time is right flop out a tittie and barely touch him. I bet he pops fast. Just give it a few months of monk mode. It’s a rough path, but great time to strengthen your relationship. I predict I’ll see y’all in the PE chat in 3 months lol. You got this

 

I completely agree, Nicko!

My wife and I had drifted apart over the last few years; affection was lacking, communication was crap, sexual desire was gone, and I was immersed in Internet porn.

I was also drinking too much and spending way too many hours playing online games (powerful addictions that are no different from PMO, in my opinion). In other words, I wasn't paying any attention to my wife and it was killing our relationship and negating sex entirely. I was a real ass for way too long and we didn't have sex for like 3 years.

Earlier this year we decided to stop renting and buy a house, which forced us to drop everything and work together -- buying a house is all-encompassing. This compelled us to work together and be a team; we focused on an equal split of responsibilities and improving our communication. We started really "seeing" each other, and it kickstarted our relationship. Suddenly, we were having sex again... but I now have PIED and DE.

In parallel, I stopped drinking and cut way, way back on video games. And after a ton of research, I realized my ED/DE issues were porn-related, I subsequently discovered NoFap, and then I had a clear epiphany: focus on my wife, make her the center of my universe. I started to emphasize affection, be more spontaneous, lots more touching and kissing (at any and all times of day), and no focus on sex -- it's changed everything for us. And now sex just happens, and it's been great (even when my plumbing doesn't respond).

I desperately want to get past ED and DE, but the real key to unlocking our relationship has been mutual interest spurred on by improved communication, intense focus on each other's words/thoughts/interests, and a LOT more affection.

 

FWIW, I spent 20 years working in the video game industry. I quit the industry after shipping several mobile games -- they are built to be insanely addictive, which felt gross and vile to me (they're essentially intended to "hook" players and extract money). Most online games are gravitating to this model too, because they work, they work really, really well

Most mobile and online games prey upon your dopamine system.

For example, in every mobile game, there is a "core loop" that lasts 30-seconds and delivers a reward (it's freaking Pavlovian) -- they're more commonly being called "compulsion loops," because that's precisely what they're designed to do. Mobile and online games are basically just porn, and they create the same mental health issues as PMO, in my once-professional opinion.

I sold all of my gaming systems, and I barely play games of any kind now -- it's freed up countless hours to do things like: talk to my wife, go outside, exercise, etc.

For me, the combination of alcohol, online gaming, and PMO were a dreadful combo. I suspect many, many men are caught in this interminable loop too.

@MidnightOwl, watch your partner and his gaming behavior, many of these games are insidiously seductive!

 

Yup. When your done gaming and wife’s asleep you eat,fap, then crash out. Hard cycle to break. I’m sure that’s a lot of our story. But the reward for changing is great sex WITH the person you are with already. Btw tysm for sharing your story. It’s helpful to see the other side of my story. The SO perspective let’s me know how selfish I was and keep moving forward. It’s easy to go back on lonely nights