Please help put an end to my pain!

So I’m Trey and I’m an 18 year old male. I’m severely depressed. This is gonna be a long post, but this shall be the last long post I will make n regards to myself, I just seek some good advice and answers, please. To the people who reply, thank you in advice, you are really appreciated and thank you with everything I got.

I have been addicted to porn almost my entire life, being introduced to it around age 7-8.

Now I have a huge problem with what I have PMO to in the past, and it causes me severe HOCD now.

Let’s start when I first saw porn, my older cousin showed me pictures of girls naked on the computer, and I instantly felt an amazing sensation in my penis and knew I loved what I saw. I pursued to masturbate to pictures of girls, on to lesbian videos, and then to lesbian porn for a while. I remember lesbian porn had this novelty to it, when I first started to masturbate to it, I just would masturbate at seeing the women naked, especially the boobs or if they were hot, then it’s moved on to the novelty of it, in a lot of videos I watched older and younger and their was this novelty/taboo aspect that it was wrong, that made it more exciting. I remember then moving on to straight porn where it was also fun, but I liked the idea of how wrong it was if I imagined being the girl, I think this I s what it was, I just know after some time with straight porn, I got bored of the girl and started to look at the penis, it looked stimulating. Looking at he penis and imagining being the girl was much more exciting, but didn’t feel right after climax.

The penis somehow had become “stimulating” in my head, and I remember watching videos of 2 penis’s touching each other, eventually I started to see gay porn, and I specifically remember only watching older and younger, as all of this would give me insane amounts of dopamine rushes and I remember after climax feeling disgusted as fuck and ashamed. I also was into incest and rape porn (not gay), whatever gave me that dopamine kick.

Now all of this happened from the age of 7-8 to the age of 12. In real life, I never had attraction to men, and never thought twice about the porn, just used to put it in the back of my head. I was getting crushes on girls since I was in kindergarten, and also had got boners to many, many girls/women. I continued down this path with porn, till eventually the shock of gay porn became weak, so I started to look into gay incest porn, which provided another insane kick, at the age of 14, I developed HOCD. I suffered bad, cried every night, contemplated suicide many times, and these thoughts continued ever after trying to accept I’m gay.

Long story short, I discovered NoFap and YBOP, tried my best to abstain, and after a year of consistent streaks of 8-15 days, the gay shit became very repulsive while women became very attractive. I couldn’t watch gay porn without becoming disgusted, and also I would achieve no arousal, while looking at pictures of milfs on google got me rock hard.

After sometime, it was very obvious I was not into men in the slightest, and I started to see a therapist and my HOCD went away and once again I was happy. Fast forward 2 years and I have been still doing PMO, but it was different, I would do it when I was actually horny, and I actually masturbated to the idea of sex with the girl and there was no novelty attached to it. This was amazing and I loved it, I also started hooking with girls in real life and those instances made me insanely horny and I LOVE GIRLS.

Around 8 months ago, I fell in love with this super hot girl, and I asked her out. Things between us went great and we eventually started to have a relationship, as some people like to say we started “talking.” We never had sex cause she wanted to wait till marriage, and I decided that I would just PMO more, and I started to do this and eventually I started watching incest porn again, and I loved the rush it gave me, and I kept going and eventually I started to PMO to videos of women related to my mom, and the rush it gave me was explosive. I hadn’t felt a rush like that in so long, and I continued to do it, I loved the rush, but always every time after climax, I get repulsed and ashamed, but when I would PMO, I would get this rush and it takes over. Around 5 months ago, my attraction to reality disappeared and I somehow got HOCD again, and eventually broke up with this girl due to me fearing I was in denial. I have been trying to quit PMO again, but my efforts keep coming short, and I will continue to try my best.

The biggest thing that is effecting me now, is my past, and how I have PMO to homosexual things, and how I have made a connection with homosexuality in myself. Still to this day, I have never experienced homosexual attraction sexually or romantically for any boy or man in real life, while with women I have had like 20 crushes and thousands of sexual feelings.

I don’t get it, how was I able to PMO to gay porn? I understand the novelty, but why didn’t any of my friends experience this? They all claim to PMO everyday and sometimes multiple times a day, just like I did, and they never escalated? My OCD doesn’t want to accept that my problem was my addiction to dopamine at such a young age, and that’s why what happened had happened, I wish I could just accept this and move on but I can’t. Everyday I do hundreds of compulsions to prove I’m not gay, and the biggest one is watching gay porn to make sure I’m not aroused by it.

I swear to god, I have watched gay porn more than a hundred times In the last 4 months to test if I am gay or not, and NOT ONCE have I even felt the slightest of arousal, and every single time I am super disgusted. I get hard from seeing pictures of naked women and when I see straight porn I feel like I have to PMO.

I can never imagine myself having sex with a man, or even being intimate with one, it just sounds gross. I accuse myself of being gay in denial everyday, and it kills me. I know for a fact I am attracted to girls, the evidence is undeniable, and so I tell myself it’s okay, I am bi, but I’ll never be with a man, but the thoughts and fear that their Is attraction to men remains...

I can’t go out no more, I can’t work out, I can’t focus in school, I can’t be happy with these thoughts. When I was HOCD free, I was so happy and I knew I was straight, now every guy I see I notice some feature about him and I get insane anxiety.

Right now I have strong feelings for this girl in my class, and a couple weeks ago I asked her out on a date, which went good, but my ocd kept telling me I was lying to myself, so I told her I was not interested anymore. At the moment, I felt like it was the right decision, the next day in class she showed no interest in me and was telling this girl next to us how this cute guy is texting her, and instantly all my feelings cane back, I texted her I’m sorry and she rejected me, which left me heartbroken for about a week. I still have some feelings for her, but my OCD has full control of my mind.

I don’t give a fuck if I was gay or bi, I have tried multiple times to accept the idea, but the thoughts about men cause anxiety and I hate them, I just want to be happy.

Girls are the best thing in this world, the idea of love between me and another girl is insane, I have always felt this way about girls. I am also a virgin, because I want to have sex with a girl I truly love, the idea of real sex and not just me being horny, which I have almost been tempted to just bang a random girl multiple times, sounds so sexy.

I have been trying to masturbate thinking about men and homosexual stuff but I can’t, it’s like I force myself to masturbate. Masturbating to girls is super easy and feels great. When I kiss girls I get super hard and if a girl kept pushing me in right circumstances, I would do whatever they wanted. (Besides anything gay, like them wearing a strap on or some shit lol)

Another reason I fear I’m gay is because I feel I am submissive? I love attention and if a girl I like gives me attention I love it, and also I prefer the idea of the women in control of sex, like I like the idea of a girl on top of me and holding me down. It sounds so gay reading it over, wtf man. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely also find it sexy to be in control, but I just prefer the idea of the girl on top or being the dominant one. I like the idea of a girl seducing me...

I can’t fathom sticking my subway sandwich into a mans bum, that is disgusting, and the thought of a a man doing that to me, makes me want to jump out the window. I can confidently say I will never have sex with a man, and I know I will bang hundreds of girls, but the thoughts still eat me up.

Any advice or relatable problems? I need help bad.

 

I used to be severely depressed, anxious, stressed, i also have legit ocd since i was a child, i actually found a supplement called ashwaganda by plnt, it has changed my life and has made battling pmo so much more manageable, i recommend strongly you getting some, i prefer the pills instead of the liquids.

 

YOOOO I had a huge typo at the end where I said “I can’t confidentially say I would never have sex with a man”, I meant to say I can confidentially say...

So I can confidentially say that I will never have sex with a men

 

Thank you for the response, I definitely need to take this journey serious if I ever want to be happy again.

 

Appreciate the response but I really feel I shouldn’t take medication because OCD is the root of all these problems, and I beat it before without meds.

 

Thank you for responding bro.

I think early exposure and addiction at the ages we saw it are far worse tho, as it can manipulate a brain that has not developed.

I really think if I didn’t stop at such a young age, my brain would’ve taken the PMO influences and it would have been something integrated in me forever.

I also believe that porn will for sure be classified as a drug soon, and I fear for the future generations for what they will be up against as the porn industry upgrades all the time.

It’s weird looking back, all the gay shit that I PMO’d to, I can’t even get aroused by any of it, I have looked deep and even come across some videos I had seen back then, and it makes me want to throw up and I find myself looking away. Gay porn literally brings no arousal or interest, while pictures of milfs on google get me rock hard... crazy what porn can do. It’s been 3 years since I broke free, and 3 years since I have been aroused my anything gay. I remember the last time I did it, I had PMO’d 6 times in that day, all to straight porn, then did it one more time to make it 7 but only gay porn could get me aroused.

Also what do you think of this: whenever I did PMO to anything gay, or anything extreme that caused a dopamine rush, I instantly after climax felt disgusted and ashamed, do you think this is proof of dopamine taking over?

Sobriety all the way, here I go.