Self destructive behaviour - any insights?

Holy Cow man... this is really relatable, and what you say makes total sense to me. and honestly, I do think we take part in these bad habits (even though they are degrading) just to prove that we retain power and control within ourselves. Here is how it connects with me:

This example connected with me the most because, even though I do those same other habits you listed as well. I have homework and crude I have to get done like studying for exams and homework, I just avoid it all together. I kind of clump it all together as an insurmountable mass, that I might get to when the due date is really close, but I almost always procrastinate the important things, even the things that might be goals for me or things that I know would be worthwhile, I push them out of the way for my own unhealthy habits.

And taking action is really hard, one personal example is my social existence/life. Honestly, I would say I have no true close friends... which sux, but I kind of earned myself this spot. I know people, and sometimes talk to people, but it seems like everyone to me, outside of my family, is a stranger, and I have a really hard time starting conversations. I think my social anxiety and self-destructive behaviors stem from guilt over the past years, because sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life, and that I've already wasted a big portion of it. My negative thoughts and bad habits and self-guilt keep me in this place, essentially, I often feel stuck.

Sometimes, I try to get out of being stuck by trying 'something new', but usually I end up stopping my attempt and revert back to my old ways. I know I am a complete hypocrite by saying this, but this is what I heard should help motivate/discipline you to take action and stop doing that destructive scheisse:

*start by doing little things and gradually build up to bigger tasks along the way. Ex. make your bed in the morning --> read 15 minutes a day
*build discipline by doing things you wouldn't normally do. Ex. get up at the alarm you set, take a short shower, maybe even cold showers(it seems crazy but it really wakes you up and gets you pumped, I used to do it some).
*do positive self-talk or something of the like. Ex. write 10 times something you like about yourself or write 5 things you're grateful for -- 'I believe in myself' 'I am willful' Say it Out Loud!! Say it Proud!! Keep good Posture!!!
*Make the consequence for failure so bad that you Have to succeed, and be serious. Ex. (I can't think of an example yet for this one...)

*Remember what Matters most to you and start from their - Why do you even want to change to begin with? Why are you Even on NoFap?! and Take ownership of what you are doing, and have a specific goal that you can work towards and keep progress of - I am making this change because...

*Do something/ take an action in the right direction that you actually enjoy. Ex. take a walk in the morning to clear you mind or freshen up yourself - do something positive for yourself that is also oriented towards how you want to change to put a positive spin on actions you make to overcome your self-destructive behaviors.

Sorry for such an extensive response, but there is some insight on how I see your and my problem, some potential solutions, that you might be able to try a few(I most reccomend the bottom ones), but don't overwhelm yourself with all of them at once, build up to them... I don't know why I did this, I guess helping others(or trying to) just helps fulfill myself personally and that is why I am posting this, Anyways, Goodluck to you Informius and I hope you can make that change as well as anyone else needing to hear this.

-R

also I reccommend a few more resources

Ted talks:
Jocko Willinck - Extreme Ownership
Mark Adams - Cult of Extreme Productivity



Good Night!

 

I dont understand your concept of "These self-destructive actions are just our way of proving we are still in control" or where you read this or why it resonated with you for that matter. When you do these things you abandon control even at a conscious level. You tell yourself "I dont want control, I want to be free, unburdened by control, I want to escape".

Think about what destructive behavior is - one's desire to destroy something. Why do we want to destroy anything? because it's of low value. You should always be concerned about the 'why' of things. For example, instead of trying to curb destructive behavior, find out why you consider yourself to be of low value. That's the underlying reason.
Then do what it takes to raise your value. If you do this, procrastination will have no place in your life

 

Hi man,
what you have written is very profound. It most certainly has touched a nerve in me. I'm going somewhere now. But I'll respond to your post in more detail later. Till then good luck!

 

If you are into reading read 'notes from the underground' by Doestevsky.

Theres no big insights I think I can give you. We all have our own unique reasons for doing the things that you mentioned. To truly get to the bottom of it and solve your problems will take a lot of reading and thinking, it will be a long process. I'm a year in and I feel like I'm not any closer now than when I began, but at least I have become more mindful of these behaviours and I do them less often. Godspeed

 

Hi Informius,
what you have written about continuing to masturbate even after feeling nausea applies to me also. I know the harm I am doing myself but keep going regardless. I PMO in order to feel better about the shame I feel for the previous session. This not only defies logic but frankly is insanity!

I'm not a psychologist but like many of us you are your own worst enemy. There seems to me to be a fear of success on your part. Could it be that you are sure that you have ownership of your failures? Yet you are afraid someone else might have ownership of your success? You need to be completely honest with yourself on this point.
I don't like to conflate PMO with sports performance. However I think it is relevant in you case. I knew many gifted footballers in my youth. Yet none of them made it to professional level. This could not be attributable to a lack of ability in every case. Some of them were quite frankly terrified of success and would not show their true ability when required. Which as you so rightly termed it is 'self-destructive actions.'

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Take care Informius and good luck