I need help please.

Hi my name is Trey and I’m 18, I’m a male. I’m suffering severe HOCD, and I need guidance.

This is my second time suffering HOCD, the first was when I was 14-16 years old, then beat it with therapy, then another 2 years I’ve once again got it.

The mental torment is unbearable, the smile on my face everyday is not one that is real, I hide the depression I suffer everyday, even though I’ve been called out countless times for looking sad.

When I’m not suffering this OCD, I am known as a one of a kind people, I feel I am unique and I know there’s nobody like me out there, in the sense of my personality. I am one of the funniest kids alive and I’m the best friend you could have, I keep it real one hundred percent of the time with people and always look to pick somebody up, but I can’t manage to pick myself up.

In my area I’m very respected, though I have been suffering I have pushed myself to levels a lot of people don’t achieve in their lifetime, I don’t say that in a cocky way, but I feel I’ve earned the right to make that statement due to my hard work. My whole life I’ve pushed myself in basketball, and in high school I received over 10 D1 scholarships. Last summer I worked every single day for 16-20 hours a day, even on July 4th and my birthday, and then the days I had little time, I went to the gym to practice.

I also was talking to this girl, we had a relationship, she was gorgeous, her body was also insane, slim with a nice booty. Her personality matched mine and we connected great, hooking up with her was amazing. I had to end things soon after the HOCD returned, due to me becoming mentally dysfunctional and feeling that I am in denial.

I check gay porn almost everyday, which I always find repulsive, and I feel no arousal, and when I watch women I get hard and sometimes can’t resist the urge to PMO.

I get anxiety from just talking to guys now, and I am afraid everyday I will catch feelings for a man, or that I will have sex with a man. I have never had sexual or romantic feelings for a man my entire life, but for girls I have had countless romantic and sexual attractions.

My work ethic only leads to a successful future with the right choices, but I fear with this mental torment, the amount of pain I can take is becoming smaller by day, and I feel it won’t be long before I take my life. I felt the same way when I first suffered, but managed to escape. My only hope is because I beat it before, but idk if I can beat it again.

Tomorrow is that last day of the semester, then I will have a month off from school. This semester I barely managed to pull through due to my thoughts and constant compulsions, thanks to my work ethic I was able to pull through with A’s, but at the cost of a lot of all nighters and wasted time.

This month I want to focus on myself, begin a new NoFap journey, and beat my OCD, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to. I understand you have to accept the thoughts, but sometimes they feel so real, even though I never feel arousal.

I ruminate about this all day long, my thought patterns are crippled due to this, everything I see or hear somehow makes a connection with homosexuality. The thoughts have so much power over me, sometimes I literally just freeze and can’t move due to the strong anxiety.

What should I do?

 

I appreciate your reply, and yes I do have a therapist.

Going to a therapist is very expensive and also makes my parents worry. When I first suffered a couple years ago I had a choice, either end my life or build the courage to finally speak up about my issue, and I picked confessing my issue.

Medication is not something I am interested in because it can be something you need to rely on, so I rule it out, also I beat this OCD without the first time, so I feel I can do it again.

Once again thank you for the reply.

 

How can we be sure it’s porn addiction? A lot people suffer HOCD because their porn escalated, which was what caused me to suffer the first time. This time around there is absolutely no correlation with me and homosexuality besides the thoughts that feel real.

I appreciate the reply.

 

Hey man, I appreciate your reply.

I have actually already seen most of the articles you tagged in, and read them.

I’m no longer aroused by gay pornography at all, after your reboot are you still feeling urges to PMO to gay porn?

 

Hey man I really appreciate this reply. I really hope you return and see this and reply again.

So just to clear up any confusion, I do not get aroused not do I have a fetish for gay pornography, I did many years ago, 3 years ago to be exact.

Watch you describe is literally exactly what I did. I would try to go on streaks without PMO, and would go on a good streaks for about 15-20 days at a time, and I would relapse to exclusively women, and sometimes even just pictures. Over the span of a year of doing this, all the gay shit was gone, and my attraction to girls had returned full force. I have been fine for 2 and a half years of PMO to exclusively straight porn and I have escalated again into incest fetish, but it’s definitely not as bad as the gay shit.

I am no longer plagued by a fetish by the gay porn, but I am plagued by the fact that I WAS plagued by it, and that means I must be gay. This is what my OCD is forming over.

When you stated that I must understand that what I went through was a symptom of my porn addiction, that is the way, along with abstinence form PMO. I am slowly beginning to accept that my addiction at such a young age was the reason that gay porn jumped into my life, and I believe it’ll take a lot more time.

Perhaps after another month of no PMO, I’ll feel better. If I go only 4-5 days without PMO, I’ll get rock hard just looking at pictures of milfs.

Once again I am no longer aroused or feel an urge to pmo to anything gay related, and I have tried to force it but I just can’t do it. Also once again I beat it through the method you wanted me to do.

I am happy that you made your reply, because I never see anybody who went through that type of recovery process and seeing that you did makes me feel a lot more comfortable and understand my situation more.

Do you think I should completely abstain now or try to remove the incest fetish. I personally believe I should just abstain cause the fetish isn’t that strong, what do you think?