*possible triggers:raw writing* The Journey: My Story and Hopefully Some Help

I started when I was 10. I didn’t even know about masturbation until later on. I looked up “naked girl pictures” on the computer. Eventually, this led me to watch a video on PornHub called “getting dirty in the kitchen”. This time was always stressful because I knew I was doing something “wrong” or “dirty” according to my family, but it was exhilarating. Fast forward a couple years and I was a regular user of porn.

As time went on I started to feel more and more rejected and ignored by the world and my family. I felt like I didn’t matter and this hurt me and made me want to hurt others. My porn use got much worse and progressed into some twisted shit. Very bad. I really liked aggressive and painful sex, feeling like I was watching some of the wrong done to me put onto someone else. I was completely detached from the scene, objectifying people as meat. I started to play with my own butt as a means of getting off. I became fascinated with sex which was always a taboo subject.

Later on, this made the relationships in my life even harder to maintain or create. I had a facade that everything was going well, but it was a shallow facade. I started to crave love and connection but kept thinking this meant only sex. I even tried having sex with my dog in order to fulfill this need. I also tried to get my dog to have sex with me. I tried this with two of my friends' dogs as well but stopped myself. I used to masturbate whenever I would try to numb my feelings with drugs, often combining them, sometimes with others in the room. It has been hard to come to terms with myself and forgive myself for a lot of this. Even more with the later things. To me its fucking insane how crazy it got and painful to write about. Luckily this was a brief period. Some of it was curiosity (I was still kinda young), but nevertheless really fucked up. I realized pretty quickly that this was twisted and not who I was.

By this time my view of women deteriorated so much that I thought that I had to use them, but at the same time, I wanted connection so badly. This saved me on a couple of occasions where I realized, “nah fuck this, I'd rather wait than to have sex than to do this in this way right now” but not on others. At this point, I went through a stint of pedophilia and rape porn. It was brief, but by then my tastes were so extreme that I couldn’t help but find some crazy shit. Then one night I drunkenly had sex with a drunk girl which I would say borders on rape itself. That's how I lost my virginity.

This broke me down on the inside. I remember all I wanted to do was to hold her and to matter to her afterward. Since then we've talked about it and come to the conclusion we were both super drunk and to move on (she remained a friend of mine through high school) but still I don't feel what I did was right.

During all this, I also struggled with a host of sexual dysfunctions that came from porn use. This made me super scared of looking for connection, even when this is what I should’ve done.

This is when I decided to change. When it got too much and I wanted to feel things again and be human.

So I struggled for several years with relapses sprinkled in to stop. Really struggled. I looked everywhere and I was desperate for an answer. Nobody can be this unhappy and feel this wrong for too long.

The entire time the fire to be better and live fully never died, but there were many dark moments. I felt like I was throwing myself away every time I relapsed. I didn't feel like the person in the mirror for a while.

This past summer I took a deep dive into the causes family, relationships, etc. following a modified 12 step plan to try to figure things out more. So far it has been amazing and helpful in so many ways. By taking on this burden, if you choose to do so, is to see your life in a new way and try to make things better. I imagine many of you didn't go down such a fucked up road and I'm happy for you. There's really nothing for you in this endless cycle. You gotta deal with your life.

For me, forgiving myself has been the hardest. As a bright-eyed kid excited to be doing something that was exciting and outside the rules, I never wanted it to go where it went. But its something that we all have to accept at some point. I believe I can move on and do better. I know you can too.

My biggest takeaways:

• Calm the fuck down, you can do this
  
  
• It's okay to fail if you keep trying, but this has to mean you’re actually trying
  
  
• Forgive yourself, you are worth it even if it might not seem so
  
  
• Even if it feels like you fucked up this portion of your life, much like me, its time to move on. Maybe you can do some good from this point forward
  
  
• Fill your life with other shit so this weird porn masturbatory thing becomes less of a thing
  
  
• It takes time, be kind with yourself
  
  
• Take physical steps to help yourself (no phone in the room)
  
  
• Take emotional steps to help yourself (tell someone)
  
  
• You may deal with this for a long time, accept that
  
  
• Maybe try meditation and mindfulness
  
  
• Be real with yourself - build a habit where you take a real look at the moment of relapse and say, “really? you wanna do this? You wanna spend your life on this?” and go do something else
  
  
• Heal the pain undergirding this (maybe try therapy, it was a good start for me)
  
  
• (BIGGEST ONE) Connect with other people’s which means being vulnerable and opening up. It’s scary, but life is scary, things are hard, and that’s just reality. The best part, you have it in you to make this shit look easy
  

Right now I still have tough times, but I’m worlds away from where I used to be. It’s been a long time since I relapsed and often times I don’t even think about it. For the first time in my life, I have solid and real confidence and am working on creating lovely and fulfilling relationships. I have a wonderful girlfriend (a journey on its own) and just finished my first mixtape (something that seemed so far away just a year or 2 ago when I was deep in the hole I dug). I'm doing well in college and this mostly feels behind me. My biggest insecurities are dissolving slowly and the passion for life has returned. There are still days where I feel like shit and the thought pops in, but I deal with it, knowing I don’t want to go back to how I was. take this opportunity to get to know the real you, the one that didn't get the chance to grow. Build what you want to be.

I wouldn’t attribute all of this to NoFap, it's kind of just a process of growth and healing, but for a lot of us, this is a major step. Focus on this, remembering all the people that come before and will come after. Love the process and enjoy life you have left.

Best of luck and thank you.

 

Just Amazing thanks for sharing !!!