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How did I feel after PMO?

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by MONSTER MONK, Jun 13, 2019.

  1. Aboodhi

    Aboodhi Fapstronaut

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    @Action those are true words.
     
    Action likes this.
  2. Pedro.Conquers

    Pedro.Conquers Fapstronaut

    4/7 Hell mode

    Today was a shit day. WHY? Yesterday I did everything by the book, snuck out a party early went to bed. I was honest with a girl for the first time of my life... Crazy day.. But i decided to sleep next to my phone, which made me snooze while i was sleeping then cause me to wake up overslept and feel like shit. Then i got mcdoanlds in the morning which made things worse and to top it off I PMd.

    The ultimate shit feeling is the fact i PMd, we continue doing things to us to cause resentment over things that provide us with instant gratifcication. I could have just went back to bed, logged on to NoFap, prayed if i wasent feeling the greatest, and went on with my day. Instead today i will be wasting another day or three living in my head.

    Now i will continue the day with junk food, i canceled going to a concert and an AA meeting... i dont want to live in my head anymore.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2019
    Anonymous86 likes this.
  3. Pedro.Conquers

    Pedro.Conquers Fapstronaut

    Hell mode 6/14

    Im fucken choked last night fucken went off my diet at my sis birthday party then continued at xmas party at night followed by pizza and PM at 2am. Next time I want to PM im gonna stab my self in the leg, or go outside and kick the shitout of someone. Why the fuck cant i fucken stop this fucken bullshit. Fucken cold shower fucken self inflation pain medicate i dont fucken know
     
  4. peglegb88

    peglegb88 Fapstronaut

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    Anxious, depleted. Instant regret.
     
    thinking_differently likes this.
  5. irishrover

    irishrover Fapstronaut

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    Depressed, guilty and a terrible husband, but determined to succeed.
     
  6. DayOne44

    DayOne44 Fapstronaut

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    Thanks to @peglegb88 and to @irishrover for reviving this thread.

    While you are expressing some awful feelings, it is great that you've put this thread near the top after eight months.

    There is so much here from which we must learn, and it's been very good for me to read something I wrote over a year ago.

    PMO is great fun while it lasts. We must admit that.

    However, the negative aftermath which we are all describing here is so much greater.

    If we could put the consequences in our minds before the act of PMO, we would not want to do it so much.

    That is why we must reflect on how we feel after it.


    I read through this entire thread again, and there were things described by @Pedro.Conquers with which I certainly identify.

    They all are about food--bad food--and bad eating.


    For me, bad food is also directly connected to my PMO binges; it's a consequence of them.


    I have always valued healthy, wholesome food. I didn't always get that growing up, and as an independent adult, I know how to eat well and can do that.

    I have learned to cook over the years, and to have a healthy and wholesome diet, I must plan my meals and cook every evening.

    For reasons which I will not explain here, veganism is my ideal.

    When I'm a guest at someone's home, I will eat whatever meat they serve, out of respect for my host.

    And, when traveling, I will relax my ideal and eat at restaurants which don't have vegan options for the sake of convenience.

    However, my conscience does not allow me to cook meat here at home, and I don't have cheese.

    These are my culinary and dietary ideals which PMO destroys.


    The urges for porn and the masturbation that happens with it arise in the late afternoon and early evening.

    The addiction always assures me I can take a quick look for relief before going into the kitchen to prepare dinner.

    The five minutes I set aside to "relax" with some porn stretch into 2 or 3 hours.

    Porn is engrossing, and even a little hit always draws me into it deeper and deeper.

    The feeling of depletion and exhaustion after ejaculating is the worst.

    To avoid that and because I believe in semen retention, I hold it while surfing pic after pic, and clip after clip.

    The other downside is that by not ejaculating, I can masturbate and edge indefinitely.

    Porn gets such a hold on my mind that I can't stop searching for more, and there is always more.

    The only way to break away is to finally allow or force myself to ejaculate.

    Then, my interest immediately fades, and I close all the tabs I opened on my browser.

    I'm wasted.


    (I will not describe the messes I made on myself, my chair, or the carpet and how I've felt about those.)

    (I'll just note that I've had to shower.)


    At that time, it is already 9 or 10 o'clock at night.

    It's too late to start cooking. I don't have the energy to do it anyway.

    And, I'm starving.

    Porn kills other appetites we need to survive.

    The only options at that hour of the night and in that state are fast food.

    Many nights, I've been in my car in the drive-thru lane of McDonald's, KFC, or some other fast food joint feeling disgusted about what I just did and about the greasy stuff to come.

    The girl or guy working the pick-up window would sometimes ask how I'm doing this evening.

    I would always cheerily say, "Great."

    Really, I can barely face that kid and feel ashamed of what he or she would think of me if they knew what I had just been doing for the past three hours.

    Then, I'm sitting in my car in a dark part of the parking lot with a paper bag full of food that violates everything I believe about health and eating.

    It doesn't even taste very good.


    Even now, one of those bags is on the backseat floor of my car.

    It's filled with wrappings smeared with ketchup, mayonnaise, and animal fat.

    PMO reduces me to that.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2020
  7. Pedro.Conquers

    Pedro.Conquers Fapstronaut

    I honestly thought that was just me.. I wake up and i have wrappers everywhere. Stay strong brother, see a therapist and believe in a power greater than yourself.
     
    DayOne44 likes this.
  8. Ridhor

    Ridhor Fapstronaut

    Hmm.... I really do hope that my senses are picking lessons from these messages. I've been trying since years now, 1 or 2 months on then the shit comes. The relapse doesn't really last for more than a day or 2, followed by another 3 weeks to 2 months Streak of no Pmo.
    I've previously believed that marriage and a sex partner (religious reasons for not having that now) will bring a lasting solution to this problem, but I've what I've learnt from comments on this platform is that it doesn't.
    I really hope that I am past falling back into this shit for a very loooong time to come, or forever.
    I'm recently coming off a 70 days Streak, and I felt like shit after I broke it, I had totally forgot that it's possible to go 3 months and more clean. Had it been that the monster behind Pmo is existing as a living being, i would gladly take on the task of killing it!
     
    Pedro.Conquers likes this.
  9. irishrover

    irishrover Fapstronaut

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    So sorry to read this brother, this is exactly how I feel after a night spent edging - like I'm spent and have wasted the night and also the day because I'm suffering from sleep deprivation.

    I try and do some mental exercises, like on the positive side, visualising how I will feel on day 90 after being without porn - how great and refreshed I will feel waking up. How relieved I will be etc. When I feel the urges late at night when I'm about to go to bed, I try to mentally "fast forward" to the time when I'm finished edging, say 6 or 7 in the morning and how completely crap I will feel. Sometimes it works. I also try and visualise my tombstone and ask myself if I'm going to see that before I have beaten PMO. I know that's pretty morbid, but sometimes that works too.

    Been having a bad spell of it lately after being PMO free for over a week. It's great to get feedback like this, shows we are all in this together. I wish you every success in your own struggle!

    Keep the faith, brother, we will get there.
     
    DayOne44 likes this.
  10. Benedicti

    Benedicti Fapstronaut

    A weak stupid son of a snake.
     

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