NoFap

  1. Welcome to NoFap! We have disabled new forum accounts from being registered for the time being. In the meantime, you can join our weekly accountability groups.
    Dismiss Notice

Remembering the Why

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by zombieslayer, Dec 17, 2019.

  1. Dec 17, 2019 #1
    zombieslayer

    zombieslayer Fapstronaut

    225
    424
    63
    Remembering why we started this journey becomes distorted, diluted, and forgotten. At least for me that's what happens. It's always that moment right after a relapse when I think, "oh no, I was supposed to keep going so I could find out my potential."

    Part of why I am writing this post is so I can look back on it as a reminder, because when 2-3 weeks of nofap rolls around (or sometimes sooner) I start to feel really good. Then, the urges hit, I think about how horny I am, and I relapse. Then it all comes back to me, that feeling of sad depressing worthlessness. The self defeating thoughts come rushing in. Were they always there? Even at 2-3 weeks of no PMO, and I was just ignoring them while I crossed off another day?

    I would encourage everyone to sit with yourself and observe your thoughts and emotions for at least 10-20 minutes a day. This means you too, future me. Because even when you are doing well, stuff still comes up. Then the addiction highjacks your emotional system. It says, "use me, I will make you feel good."

    Maybe I don't want to feel good all the time, because you're "good" is only temporary and disguises the wide emotional spectrum of life. True happiness isn't a 5-7 second moment where you are orgasming while looking at a computer screen with a girl's butt pictured on it with colorful pixels rearranged to look the part.

    True happiness is a state that is achieved gradually from overcoming challenges and enduring discomfort in order to align with your own path and purpose. Purpose? Yeah, I said it. I know, it's a bit woo woo. Make your purpose yourself and follow it, if you dare. The journey is uncertain and often uncomfortable, but what else do you have to do here?

    All corny stuff aside. Why am I doing this? This nofap thing. I'm doing it so I can feel things. I know from experience that things seem more real when I stay away from porn. I'll be walking down the street and trees have another visual demension, it's weird. Maybe I'm learning to focus on the moment. I'm doing it so I am able to get in touch with my emotions and better connect with other people. I think the urge to masturbate covers up the emotions that have been trying to speak with me. I'm also doing it because it is difficult and I want to be a bad mother#$@!er.

    *Side note: "You can't solve a problem at the paradigm it was created." -some smart person.
    Maybe I can't rely on those same angry emotions that kept me going on day 1. Maybe I should come up with a new reason once I start feeling better.
     
    zombieslayer, Dec 17, 2019
    zombieslayer, Dec 17, 2019
    #1
    geheim likes this.
  2. Dec 17, 2019 #2
    Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    1,536
    2,471
    143
    My Journal
    Your nick is pretty appropriate for the subject of this post.

    I think even when we can't exactly articulate our why in words, just asking the question seriously and intently sets our mind on that path and there is an effect from it. We can journal in a way where we allow ourselves to not know how to word our intention, or even if it is obviously very diffuse and unfocused just be totally honest with ourselves about that - just getting it down may start a process where you start getting clearer about it.
     
    Awedouble, Dec 17, 2019
    Awedouble, Dec 17, 2019
    #2
  3. Dec 17, 2019 #3
    geheim

    geheim Fapstronaut

    163
    106
    43
    My Journal
    That's what I'm noticing with myself right now, and I'm trying to fight it. Like you said, I'm starting to feel good, and PMO presents itself like this little free goody that I can collect at no cost, and won't affect me much. It's there, trying to tempt me. I just remember lying in bed yesterday and thinking in a moment of clarity, "At all costs I must NOT relapse, so I can see what happens" (or something like that). Whatever the reasoning was, I just remember the conclusion, and that it was sober. It was directed to my future self (me right now): "Trust me, do NOT do it".
     
    geheim, Dec 17, 2019
    geheim, Dec 17, 2019
    #3
    zombieslayer likes this.
  4. Dec 17, 2019 #4
    Awedouble

    Awedouble Fapstronaut

    1,536
    2,471
    143
    My Journal
    This is also good from the perspective that you pay attention to the fact you are losing a sense of what's important. It all requires our attention, and even if we are not as acutely aware of the extreme negative consequences being aware of the fact that we're checked out is a first step.

    Frankly I think this is a BIG issue in so-called recovery. Lots of people just have behavior driven by repetition in their "program." Repetition by itself is NOT a program, a program should have some kind of discrimination built in to it. You also don't need to pay attention when you just repeat stuff. People may pay a little attention to the shares and readings even at face to face recovery meetings, but it just becomes another thing they do (compuslively) and it may be largely for a very superficial sense of social belonging. Diving in to work on it systematically is an entirely different attitude than the kind of "I feel your pain" shares but nobody thinks about the solution or possible solutions really.
     
    Awedouble, Dec 17, 2019
    Awedouble, Dec 17, 2019
    #4

Share This Page