Going down the hole again...

Been battling same feelings the last week. Just have to keep trying because if I don’t, I can’t live my life happily this way. PMO threatens my boundaries in other areas that could damage my marriage more.

 

It's very good that you realize that a part of you wants it badly. You have to be as aware of that part as possible. Feel it. The less aware you are of it, the more you try to ignore it because you don't like it, the more it will control you. You need to accept it as a part of you that is sick. If you don't, you fuel self-hatred which will motivate you to do self-destructive behavior, like pmo.

It's important that you have a substitute for porn. Do you have gf? If not, get one. Or at least regular sex. The pressure of having good sex keeps me from jerking off too much and pmo. I usually don't touch myself for 4-6 days before I have sex even though I really want to, but having good sex is more important to me.

Remember when "the urges" hit, that you're not forced to do anything. Take a deep breath and relax. Usually people become anxious and pressured, because they feel like they HAVE TO pmo right now but they don't want to. Just relax, you don't have to do anything. Ignoring the urge doesn't hurt. It won't give you headaches, nothing bad is going to happen. You have to remind yourself of that. Then get busy with something else. Try not to sit around too long thinking about it.
That's the part I suck at hard, I often sit around for like 15min trying to decide whether I should do it or not. Often I'll turn on some porn, look at it, it doesn't turn me on enough and I turn it off again without ever touching myself. And I do that just to see if I will get aroused enough to break my own word. I did that dozens of times in 2019. Last month it cost me a 306 day streak because I finally broke.
When I don't watch porn for long enough I start dreaming about pmo-ing. Mostly these dreams feel uncomfortable, sometimes I did it in public with lots of people watching and judging, but I did it anyway. Then I wake up scared of myself.
Last time I dreamed that porn was a pretty looking insect, like a big cat-sized wasp. As I came close to look at it, it attached itself to me and stung and I couldn't rip it away from my body.
These dreams make me think that I would just relapse if I suppress it for too long, but I don't think that's the truth. I think it's just the monkey in me freaking out because it doesn't get it's sugar.
I have fantasies of getting some LSD or mushrooms, some weed, barricade myself in my home, get high and opened up and do a marathon with the worst brainwash porn addict videos there are. Meanwhile I have a good life, great friends, great relationship, good job, starting my own career etc. There's just this fucking cross lying on my shoulder. I'm tired of carrying it around. Tired of this poison..

Sorry for venting in your thread. Hope you can relate.