WTF is wrong with me??!!?

So here is my short story. I have a long history of PMO about 7-8 years actively and compulsevly using it. It started with normal stuff, pics , vanilla porn. Later it escaleted into whiteshit, bdsm and finally femdom. Thats why i am posting actually here. Now i am completely porn free for 10 months, no porn no masturbation whatsover i fapped last time in february 2019. The problem is that i cant stop fantasizing about femdom, i am completely obsessed with it. I thought first it will stop when i hit 90 days and so on. Well it didnt. It is even scarier to think that i have last time watched femdom in june 2018. Thats 1.5 years ago. And through my head go still the same images and pornstars that i watched back then. My conclusion is that i have some kind of sexual masochism disorder. I dont think , or probably lost the hope that it will fade away bc when i was a child 8- 10 years old ( pre PMO) , i got some perverted femdom fantasies and it excited me alot. I fear that i will must live with this for the rest of my live. I rarely or never think about normal sex, nor have i ever dreamed about it. But i got alot porn dreams. And everyday i think about what has gone wrong with me. To add to all that that i have some severe social anxiety amd it seems that it is all conected somehow. I dont want to live the rest of my life with this urges and fantasies, its insanely hard to resist them when they hit. I would rather kill myself then to battle this shit. Interested in your opinions.

 

Well if u really want to know u can google it, but triggers, its like enema.

 

I have seen your thread. Interesting approach , but have u cured your addiction?? I doubt it will help for me. I am planning to get medication for anxiety , something like SSRis, and probably something to lower testosteron to get the crazy urges under control. I couldnt sleep last night bc of urges so i actually relapsed

 

I mean i fapped last night. I dont use the term relapsing properly, dunno. It was porn and masturbation , finished with orgasm, two times. This streak is one of many big streaks that i had. First it was 45 days , then 120 days , then i made it 150 days or 5 months which ended in february this years. Since then i havent PMO at all. I have done it with pure will power bc i really wanted to change two things in my life: anxiety and fetishes. Turns out that it still there and i havent made any significant progress, anxiety and fetishes have actually increased in intensity the longer i abstience. Now i am confused and out of ideas....

 

How long did it take? Have u had as a child perverted fantasies?

 

By perverted i mean out of the norm, yes for me it was like dominant women would cook me in sauna or shitting in my mouth, something like this sounds to me perverted. As much as such things excite me , this humiliation, i find such thing disturbing and evil and dont want to live my fantasies out in real life when i think alot about it i get a feeling of throwing up. My childhood was more or less normal , no trauma involved.

 

I dont want low testosterone, its a thing i would want as last option. But i dont know how to get control over the urges, especially the frequency and intesity of them. Psychologist say its a normal thing , if it bothers u , u must learn to live with it. I cant change my sexuality, better to say i dont even want to have one , or atleast to make it more normal. I am pretty hopeless now so i am considering alot of options

 

I dont even want to be submissive. Its like a twisted mindset, in real life i want to be dominant , kind of a leader , on the other side i have my fantasies in which i am completely submissive. In a relationship i would never accept masochism or any submission. Im obsessed with power and control which then reflects in varoius areas of life.

 

Did it help u ? With what particullary? With urges or with anxiety ? Or both?

 

Ok but why havent u tried?