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Marriage falling apart- HELP!

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by SequinHistory, Dec 25, 2019.

  1. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Hi everyone,

    I’m new to this forum and need some support/ advice. This is a long post so apologies for that!

    I’ve been in a relationship for 3 years and married for about 1.5 years. Met my wife, who is from another country, when we both moved abroad to look for some meaning and direction in our lives. We got on instantly and have everything in common. We’re like a movie couple, completing each other sentences and the like. She’s beautiful, a genius and so sweet and loving. I have a very addictive personality (didn’t realise how bad it was) and, since meeting the wife, have managed to quit smoking, vaping and daily weed use. I’ve been watching porn since I was about 12, and didn’t realise this was an addiction too. I guess I’m part of the first generation of true virtual porn addicts, as GIFs and photos were shared around via Bluetooth on Sony Ericsson phones. Don’t really remember what it was that caught my attention- I guess it was just curiosity at first. Now I don’t remember how my brains works without it...

    My wife and I have both known something has been missing in our relationship for a long time, but neither of us knew what. It’s taken me all this time to figure out it was sneaking into the bathroom when she was asleep etc. that was the problem. Pretty obvious right? Well not when it’s been with you your whole adult life. I’m 27 years old now- that’s 15 years of conditioning. I’ve spoken to my wife about this. She knows I love her and knows I want to change, but she is devastated and has spent all our relationship trying to make herself more attractive for me- which in turn made me feel more guilty. I started encouraging her to wear more makeup which obviously destroyed her self-esteem. I had a million excuses for it- not used to seeing women without makeup, your eyes look bigger with makeup, it’s just what women do etc. Should’ve known it was MY way of thinking that was so f*cked up.

    She doesn’t want me to “settle” for her, and I obviously don’t want that for either of us. I think she’s beautiful but I can’t help but notice other women. What is this? I’m early days of no PMO and rebooting, and she has decided to join me due to an obvious lack of sexual drive atm. How will I feel about her after I reboot? We are both terrified I’ll feel differently- we love each other and want to build our lives together, but it feels like everything has been a lie. She has given me everything and I have given her 50%. I hate myself for being like this and for hurting her sodeeply. She wants to stay with me but I can’t help but feel I've caused irreversible damage. She thinks it’s best if we are just friends until the 90 day reboot is over and I can see her with a clear mind. This is torture for both of us but she said she’s too scared that I’ll decide I don’t find her attractive enough, and wants to protect herself from more pain.

    Is there anybody else out there who’s been in a similar position?

    Oh and Merry Christmas!
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2019
  2. Mattybnewme

    Mattybnewme Fapstronaut

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    Im going to be straight with you. My first reaction when I read your post, was that I dont understand what the problem is, I read it again and I think now I think its because you dont know what the problem is. You need to be truthful with yourself about what you are feeling because I think you arent right now, maybe Im wrong.

    You seem like you love your wife man theres no doubt about that. The way you talk about her and your relationship you seem like you think it should be perfect. Well guess what. No one is perfect and your relationship isnt perfect either.but that doesnt mean theres something wrong with it. You were looking for some meaning and direction in your lives well did you find it because that needs to come from you, you cant expect someone else to fix your life, you have to do it yourself.

    What was missing, were you still having sex, did you want to have sex with her?

    You gave excuses but what was the reason you encouraged her to wear more makeup, you say your way of thinking was f*ckd up but what was that? Do you not find her attractive, did you think it would make her more attractive?

    What do you mean you notice other women, like you see them and think their sexy thats normal, or you want to be with them instead or what.

    Look man Im going to be straight you say she is beautiful and she sounds like a good person but you dont say you find her attractive or sexy or how you feel about her. You love her and think she is a perfect girl and you get along well, well guess what that doesnt mean you are attracted to her sexually and that doesnt make you a bad person. Well the earlier you figure that out the better it is for both of you, you seem like you dont know if your settling for her, I cant tell if your having doubts about if you want to be with her maybe she cant tell either.

    You mean you are early days of NO PMO, and she is doing that with you does she watch porn? does she want to have sex with you normally?

    No one knows how yo will feel after reboot no one can tell you that. You say you are terrified youll feel differently, you are both scared. What does attractive enough mean, do you feel like she is attractive enough now? How do you hope you will feel after reboot, do you hope you will feel different about her?
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2019
  3. Mattybnewme

    Mattybnewme Fapstronaut

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    Another post on here sounds like maybe your going through the same thing. You can love her as a person and a friend and dont want to hurt her well guess what it will hurt more if you stay even if you dont have a spark.
     
  4. marr708

    marr708 Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    You have one chance to save your marriage and that is to commit to No PMO for life. PMO almost destroyed marriage. It changed my thought patterns, attitudes and perceptions of my wife and our relationship. The sad part is I didn't even realize it. Since I started Nofap, it has been like a rebirth. Once the veil of porn was lifted, I perceived my life and wife in a whole new way. It has blossomed into the marriage I was always seeking to live. It wasn't and/isn't easy but it's worth it. She is worth it. Each of my small victories, builds a faith and confidence in her. You have everything to gain or everything to lose. Choose correctly.
     
    Last edited: Dec 25, 2019
  5. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the reply. Sorry if I wasn’t that clear- it was kind of a stream of consciousness and I’m early days of no PMO so I’m still trying to understand everything about my addiction.

    I suppose the thing that was missing was my full attention. Because of PMO, I wasn’t 100% with her whereas she was. We both knew something was wrong but we didn’t know what it was until I realised my addiction.

    With the makeup, I think I was trying to make her more like the porn. The girls in that are airbrushed and full of makeup and my wife wasn’t like that. I understand that it’s unrealistic to expect her to be like that, but that’s how PMO affects your thinking.

    I am sexually attracted to her but there must be a reason for the PMO. I did it before I met her but why wasn’t she enough to make me stop before now?
     
  6. Boom. Cut and dry
     
    Mattybnewme likes this.
  7. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    We do have a spark but I feel like PMO has made it less than it could have been. But I don’t know
    This is what I’m hoping for. We both w
    This is what I want. When did you notice a change? I’m only a week or so into NoFap and slowly trying to rebuild my wife’s faith in me (and faith in myself). Did you manage to save your marriage?
     
  8. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Sorry for the weird replies- not used to posting on forums :D
     
  9. Mattybnewme

    Mattybnewme Fapstronaut

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    think about this one, do you think if there was something different say for example, she was a different girl, do you worry that you didnt stop before since your relationship is missing something.

    you think the spark should be stronger and you’re not sure if it’s the porn or her right

    just starting on nofap myself man but look. the way I see it is. yes its an addiction but. as a man you have to take responsibility. either I have this addiction and Im going to beat it and be a better man and save my marriage. or keep making excuses and wondering if its her. what sounds like the best option to you. nofap is a good start but it is just the beginning, if you want her its your responsibility to save your marriage. if you dont well then Im going to be straight with you nofap wont save it, you have to really want it, if your not sure shes for you she sounds like a good girl man let her go. also you have to want to do nofap to make yourself a batter man, your going to relapse if your not doing this for you my dude.
     
  10. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    It’s hard to know for sure but I don’t think I’d feel differently if she was another girl. However, maybe if she was more like the girls in the porn than I wouldn’t feel the need to change her. Then again, people like Terry Crews and Kanye West are addicted to PMO and they can have anyone they want- so I guess no girl can ever compare to PMO, my wife included.

    Yeah exactly. The PMO must be affecting this right?

    I get what you’re saying. I do want to change and I do want to stay with her- I’m just trying to understand where my PMO addiction stems from, and why it has survived during our relationship. She thinks I find the women in porn more attractive than her, and maybe I do, but she has so much more than that.

    I’m done with PMO for good- that much I know. I don’t want to see things through a porn lens anymore, and I’m hoping that my social anxiety and depression etc. will improve too. I guess I just want to know if anyone else has had these feelings/ experiences. If it wasn’t for my wife- I probably would never have confronted this or my other addictions.
     
  11. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Good luck with your no PMO. What made you decide to make the change? :)
     
  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Have you read about this addiction? It changes how you view you partner. You want her more like the women in porn? What does that mean? The lighting must be perfect, they are airbrushed, they always stay young? So you want her to be something totally unrealistic? Something completely fake, is what you are saying. Why did you marry her? Yes, porn ruins your marriage , in my opinion worse than even an affair. You have an endless array of perfect, different women at all times. Porn is a super stimulus, she can’t compete with that. No woman can. I’ve been with my husband 27 years. Until he quit pmo, he wasn’t interested in me sexually. I mean 2 days into our honeymoon and he was turning me down. Now, he can barely keep his hands off me. Trust me, it warps your brain. You just don’t know it until you get clean.
     
  13. Mattybnewme

    Mattybnewme Fapstronaut

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    what are you trying to change her to be like. it sounds like your wife is not very attractive but you love her for her personality.
     
  14. Mattybnewme

    Mattybnewme Fapstronaut

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    Thanks dude. Got caught by the wife, she was upset so I told her id quit, I did for a bit but I didnt think it was a big deal. Got caught again and that was bad, cant believe how much of a b*stard I am.

    What a wake up call. First time I saw her I thought shes the most beautiful woman in the world, I meant it, then I took her for granted and almost lost the love of my life. Im awake now and I dont know if I am going to lose her but I am trying not to.
     
  15. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    He said she’s beautiful farther down in his post.
     
  16. Mattybnewme

    Mattybnewme Fapstronaut

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    Crap didnt see that. Sh*t then dude. Shes beautiful, what are you trying to change her to be like. A f*ckin unicorn, just as fake. Even the girls in porn dont look like the girls in porn.
     
  17. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    Yup! Like I’ve said before even a porn star wouldn’t hold a porn addicts attention for long. Just another click and you get a new different porn star.
     
    kropo82 and SequinHistory like this.
  18. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Thanks for the reply. I can’t stop reading about it! I’ve learnt so much from posts on this forum and from people who have been having a similar experience to me. I’m noticing improvements in the way I think and my wife and I make progress today. We had both decided to do a hardcore no sex reboot (she doesn’t watch porn but wanted to support me) but that didn’t go to plan. It felt right though- like the first time again. She said she’s still worried but I hope I can restore her trust in me.
     
  19. Hi SequinHistory, just saw this thread and it feels like you are in a very similar position to me. I'm 24, been married for 1.5 years and together for 6 years. I ruined my wife's self confidence and very nearly destroyed my marriage due to my P use.

    I've recently completed my first 90 days of no PM and our relationship has never been stronger (not just in terms of sex but also me actually being an overall more committed, more attentive and less selfish husband). The trust has taken a huge hit. We've both come to terms with the fact that it's going to at least as long as we've already been together to rebuild that trust but we are now actually planning our future together rather than thinking about separating.

    You really seem to be on the right track in tackling this. Make sure you keep your wife on board. PA thrives in secrecy, all my life I hid my P use from my parents and then my wife. The only way to get around that is to be open and honest about everything (this has been a real struggle for me). Don't hide things because you are ashamed of them and don't minimise your actions.

    Rebooting is tough but if you are committed you can get there. This is your chance to save your marriage and become a better person so don't waste it.

    Re the breaking of hard mode reboot, the same happened with us. We've done 3 stints of hard mode during that 90 days (2 of about a month each). Breaking the first 2 I slipped back into bad husband mode (ignoring my wife, not being attentive or supportive) and my arousal plummeted. After the third stint I seem to be maintaining better behaviour and my arousal towards my wife is staying high. For us the goal is to reset my unhealthy views over orgasm, women and PM. O in a healthy manner isn't something we want to avoid. Sex can be a wonderful form of intimacy and something you should enjoy together.

    Feel free to read my journal, it's a bit crazy at times but I've tried to be as detailed as possible! We've come a long way over the past 97 days.

    https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/jamesthesquirrel-progress-log.250744/

    Other than that just remember to stay committed and not get complacent. You've beaten other addictions before and you can beat this one too. Good luck on your journey!
     
    marr708 and SequinHistory like this.
  20. SequinHistory

    SequinHistory Fapstronaut

    Hi James! It’s great to hear from someone who is in a similar position.

    I’m feeling exactly how you describe! Yesterday was so great but I’m feeling a bit short tempered with her today, and just like more of a shitty husband. I felt like maybe it was a mistake to O but good to know you’ve been in the same position. I suppose our brain’s are so conditioned in the first 90 days that something is still pulling us towards PM. I’ll read your blog for sure!

    Travelling back from my wife’s home tomorrow so the mood is a bit low anyway. Don’t want to make things worse by being a d*ck to her, but I’m feeling so irritable atm. Gonna try and keep it under wraps. :(

    Glad you hear that you’ve managed to find a way through this, and I hope you’re excited about your future!
     
    JamesTheSquirrel likes this.

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