Marriage falling apart- HELP!

One thing that really helped me was to stop focusing on the O during sex. Just relax and enjoy the moment. You are addicted to O from PM and when that is taken away you naturally seek it elsewhere. As the 90 days went on I realised that I wasn't having sex because I wanted the O, but because I wanted to be intimate with my wife. We practiced a fair amount of karezza, which is the idea of sex without the man achieving O. It was frustrating at times but I enjoyed giving pleasure to my wife and feel like it's giving me a better appreciation of intimacy.

Regarding the irritability, again try to talk to your wife about how you are feeling. She might not be overly sympathetic but at least she will know. Try to make a conscious effort to fight it and overtime it will become how you act unconsciously.

Hope this helps!

 

Building your wife's confidence is going to take a lot of time. You need to make sure you put in as much effort as possible on your part to show her how much she means to you and that you are trying to change. Think back to the start of your relationship and how you acted then. You can't be complacent!

Over the course of my reboot so far a fair amount has changed. I started seeing myself for the person I actually was. I had gotten lazy, I wasn't taking good care of myself and overall I wasn't a good person. I was putting little effort into my relationship and expecting a lot back. It hurt to do that detailed analysis of myself but it very much gave me a clear set of goals that I needed to work on to improve.

I think the important thing to remember is that quitting porn on its own isn't necessarily going to fix things. What's important is that you use it as a way springboard to start things fresh.

I do feel less depressed and have a greater sense of fulfillment, especially when I'm spending time with my wife. I think that the other good habits that I've started such as exercising, using my phone less, taking better care of my personal hygiene and generally putting more effort into things have really helped with that. I feel slightly less social anxiety but it's still very much something I have to consciously work on.

In short I wouldn't expect any miracles but if you are willing to put the effort in then should see positive results.

 

Hi SH. It's very likely you used PMO to cope with social anxiety and depression. Instead of finding ways to resolve the anxiety/depression, you've been using PMO to numb it. The problem of trying to numb certain unfavorable emotions, is that you end up numbing the favorable ones too, like joy, gratitude, etc... You end up developing a dependency on PMO just so you aren't in a constant state of feeling low. The only favorable feeling is the high that PMO provides. When you're "under the influence" like that so much, and have joy, gratitude, etc.. numbed, you really forget what it's like to be a person with the full spectrum of emotions. This is what we're talking about when you hear the term "recovery". Prior to recovering that full spectrum of emotions, you are going to be a bit of a hot mess, that's absolutely to be expected.

You ask if you'd still have those issues of social anxiety and depression if you didn't develop a P addiction. The answer is yes, if you never worked on them directly and resolved them. Let's say Billy was bullied as a kid because he had big ears. He might develop social anxiety very early on, several years before puberty. Because he carries anxiety that he'll be bullied in social situations, he isolates himself from peers and steers clear of social interaction. Because he's always isolated, he doesn't experience the joys of connection and interaction. Without that connection, he develops depression - What's the point of living? At this point, without some type of therapy or way of addressing and resolving his bullying and social fears, that anxiety isn't going away on it's own. So he's going to use video games to numb and distract until he discovers PMO and probably other substances and ways to numb anxiety and cope with isolation. So back to your question:

Answer the question for yourself. Don't use PMO (and other numbing/isolating strategies) and see what happens. If you really do commit to not numb yourself, you'll learn SUPER quick that you're going to have to resolve your "real" problems because you are going to start to feel things again. You're going to feel that anxiety, that depression. You're going to feel anger and sadness and grief and all the things you've been numbing for a long time. It sucks.
BUT
It's worth it! You'll start to learn that you can address things and resolve them for good. You can learn to accept things that have been plaguing you that are outside of your control. Without all that numbing you'll reconnect with feelings that are AMAZING! When was the last time you really felt awe? The feeling of awe is unfuckingbelievable! And as you resolve all these old issues you'll be carrying around so much less baggage. You will feel freer and lighter and just light years better.

It takes awhile. It takes a commitment to go through discomfort. That's the whole deal in a nutshell. Numbing is a way to avoid feeling discomfort. You have to learn to embrace discomfort. When you ask questions like "How long will this take?", you are keeping an eye on comfort. You'll know you're getting closer when you stop concerning yourself with feeling comfortable. I know that concept makes no sense on paper to someone in the grips of quitting PMO. But it's a bit like a toddler sucking on a pacifier. When you begin to ween them off, they scream and cry because they have a dependency on that pacifier for comfort. You've just taken away your pacifier. How long it will take to feel better depends on how diligently you find ways to resolve your life issues (spoiler alert: we all have them) and healthier ways to cope with things outside of your control.

I'm glad you're here giving it a try. I think you'll find a lot of the stuff about your marriage and wife is stemming from porn-escalated taste, and porn-influenced beliefs about sex and intimacy. Your ideals are "under the influence". Again, it takes time away from PMO for that stuff to disapate. There's a lot of stuff to dispell. Plant speed.