I'm back, and lost again

Not a whole lot to say, but there is a lot going on. His grandmother passed about a week ago, she was 99. It was quick and he got to spend time with her. Of course he is sad and upset but handling it well. We are doing good right now.

 

AGRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I'm so frustrated. He's decided again to stop taking his antidepressant. Lately things have been bad, he's being moody, mean, defensive, jerky and depressive. I asked him today and he said he hasn't been taking it. I've tried talking to him but it's hard when he is in this mood. Its bad enough that the though of leaving has come up. I don't think he thinks I'd ever do it. I'd leave for a few days or a week,but I can't. I don't have a car and I have too many responsibilities here.
He kept saying he isn't a happy person, but when he is on his meds he is. Not happy go lucky type but level. There is a huge difference in him. I asked if he sees a difference when taking the meds verse not taking them. He shrugged and said 'I guess'. I can't and won't make him take his meds, it is his choice to take care of himself. But I can't stay if he is going to be like that. I feel like everything is crumbling under me, things where going well. It was good, and it makes this so much harder. I don't know, this is all taking a huge toll on me. He is a great guy, I love him very much. I don't want to give up on him and us but I can't force him to take care of himself. He is doing so well in other things. I just can't be with this version of him. How long is too long, when is it time to call it? When do you dig in and keep going, when do you say I tried my hardest?

 

I think from the outside people will think everything is bad because I tend to write when things aren't going well. But the time in between my post is normally going good or at least not bad. I stay now because things do go good and I am happy with us. Nothing will ever be perfect, I have my issues and he has his. We have our issues. They can be worked on or accepted. It's when I feel he(or me) gives up and gives in that there isn't a future.

 

And now that he's had his antidepressants in him for a couple days he's already doing better.

 

My frustration is immense. I am so close to just saying fuck it, deal with it yourself. Bye. He started back on his anti depressant and it has made a difference but he's also started to drink. Sneaking it. I grew up in a house full of alcoholics, it's not something I want again. And his doctor won't write him his meds if he test positive for alcohol. That is how he was outed, he has random drug tests. I knew something was up, I asked him what was going on multiple times. Lies and more lies. I'm not his mother, I'm not a babysitter. I will help if he asks for it. But getting him to talk is like pulling teeth sometimes. I've stepped back from him big time. He says he is struggling, I wish I could take that from him but I can't. We live with his parents and honestly his mom has a problem with wine. She only drinks at night that I know of but it is every night. I've been around enough drinking to know you don't have to be drinking every minute of the day to be an alcoholic. If he can't get this under control he's going to have to tell them he is struggling. I don't know how they will take it. He's had issues with substances forever. And they have dealt with it. He has an appointment for next year with a shrink. I'm just fed up. I've tried, I keep trying. I hurt myself trying. I'm not quite ready to give up. I'm actually doing ok-ish. Not us but me. I've never been this ok with myself. So maybe some good as come from all this shit.

I hate the holidays, they suck. Nothing good ever happens. Then my birthday is right after, I actually signed up for this site on my birthday I think. Happy fucking birthday, yay. I really hate is time of year.

 

We're working at it. He did talk to his mom but I don't think he let on how bad the problem is. I don't think he's had a drink but it's only been one day since there has been booze in the house. But I can't trust him, he is only honest when backed into a corner. That needs to stop, I'm hoping when he sees the therapist he can start to work on some of these issues. For now I'll wait and see how things go. I know he has it in him, I've seen it before. He just has some shit to work though that he's running from.

 

Thanks @hope4healing I hope your holidays went well.

I feel like we, he takes two steps forward one step back, one step forward two steps back. Though I still feel we are ahead, even if it isn't as much as I feel it should. I wish I knew how to respond to negative things with him. Yesterday he told me he had a drink in the morning. He said he wanted to see what the breathalyzer would show. I got angry and hurt, feeling he's choosing booze over us, over himself even. I wish that I held my temper, but I didn't yell or anything like that. And I'm much better than I use to be. He told me when I asked how he was doing that morning. I don't know, I'm waiting to see how this therapist appointment goes with him. I feel like he wants to get healthier but he is so impulsive. It almost seems like he wants some vice, habit, addiction. Maybe not consciously but he keeps grabbing at things. PMO, pills of various types, drugs, booze. Each one of those have been taken away from him. At times I've been right there next to him with this shit.
I don't know how tomorrow morning will go. Mornings seem to be the time he gets into trouble. He gets up way too early, no one else is up. He does stupid shit. He's going to fuck himself in more ways than one if he doesn't get his shit together.

Even though my life feels like it is up in the air right now I'm ok. I've starting listening to music again which I hadn't done in a very long time and it's brought me some peace. Even though I tend towards either heavy or depressing songs. They have always made me feel better. I don't know, I know he can do it. I see glimpses of it, it's like he is afraid to succeed. He does so well, things improve then a downward spiral.

 

Things are ... stagnate I guess. Not really better, not really worse. He is still struggling with drinking. He'll go a few days or week and then slip. He won't tell me unless I ask or check. But he is also struggling with his mental health and pain which makes it all the more difficult for both of us I think. The thing is HE needs to get help and do things for himself. I can support and make suggestions but I can't do the work for him. It feels like he has a hard time accepting life and his limitations. He will get angry about having to take meds, he gets angry saying that 'people are telling him what he can and can't do'. This last is mostly directed towards the drinking but he has said it before too. Honestly he acts like a teen in some ways, trying to rebel against authority or something like that. He also gets angry about his disability and pain. And I get it, his back pain comes from a doctors fuck up, it sucks. It isn't right, it shouldn't of happened but it did. He can't be 'normal' whatever that really is. I do understand not being 'normal' and I never can be, that is what life has given me. Besides my pain I have other health problems that effect my everyday life and always will. I also suffer mental health issues. I could be angry about it and kick and scream 'Its not fair' but that won't change it, I'll still have my health issues. It will just make it worse for me. Its funny, because we both had had some similar problems when young and gone through some invasive test. They don't bother me, it is what it is. Of course I didn't like it and it has shaped me. But it stays with him in a negative way. Then there is something I don't really understand with him. I grew up without a father, I did learn who he was when I was 8 or 10 and as a teen tried to have more than a 'friend of the family' relationship. It didn't really work and I do admit it has had some negative effects on me. But I'm not mad at him, more hurt I think. But it happened and anger won't change that. But my BF gets so angry about it. Not at me of course but sometimes we'll talk about it or it comes up and he gets so mad. I can't understand it.

So now for the last few months this is a cycle that I can't break. I guess I could but I'm not ready to give up yet, I'm getting there though. Over the weekend we lost our last ferret. I knew it was coming, he was older and had been slowing down. But his health declined very quickly and he passed before we could get him into the vet. Now with the stress of BF's slip with drinking and the fallout of that our Dane broke out in hives. Yes, she gets hives when we argue or get stressed. She hates stress and takes off with the smallest issue. Even if we just have a serious talk or I get upset. At least the cats will comfort me if I need someone to hug.