Desperate for some change.

Hello Everyone,
I've known of NoFap for a while now but never gave it a serious shot. After several days of no PMO I get hyper stressed and can't think right and it affects my interactions with others as I get rude and curt the more stressed I get. I get so hyper that I can't even focus on work. It's not being horny, it's more of some kind of pressure/energy I feel inside, like a boiler that's about to blow and PMO is the steam release valve.

A little about me:
I'm a male in my late 40s and I've been using porn since I was a teenager. Early on all I had was magazines and video tapes, then I discovered the internet in college and it opened up a whole pandora's box. Porn has given me immediate pleasure but it has held me back in life from forming real relationships and has even driven me to escorts on occasion over a period of about 20 years.

In browsing this site I've learned the term "Death Grip" and I know that has negatively impacted sexual encounters with real women. The sensation I was used to wasn't there and that leads to performance issues and humiliation and a further eroding of my self esteem.

This was a very stressful holiday season, more so than normal, and I ended up visiting a massage parlor, which I had been able to abstain from for a couple years.

So completely disgusted with myself right now, and worried about exposure to STDs (didn't have any unprotected sex, or any intercourse, but I am paranoid about those kinds of germs).

I know I am slowly killing myself with this lifestyle of lethargy and PMO and I really need a change before my time runs out and I do something that has serious consequences.

I see a lot of inspiring comments and threads about diet and exercise, and I'm hoping I can distract myself with that and also move in the right direction towards getting my body healthy. I have no major health issues yet, but I am so out of shape physically and mentally it's just a matter of time before this life I'm living leads to serious health consequences that I can't fix.

Writing this is a first step for me. I've never joined a forum like this before, and am the introverted sort that doesn't engage in much conversation in real life or even online. I recently moved to a new state and have no network of friends or any family to talk to about this. I do have a therapist who knows about some of my issues and I need to get more serious in talking to her about this. Maybe I can find some help here. Maybe my struggles and experiences could even help someone else. That would be kind of cool.

I've got a lot of reading to do on this site, and I'm not sure what my exact plan of action will be, but getting this off my chest was a necessary first step. Posting this makes it real to me now.


thanks for reading,
B

 

Thanks for the encouragement and advice. I couldn't even make it through my second day so I have my work cut out for me. But there's nothing to do but get back up after I fall down and I really do look forward to making NoFap a part of my life. When I'm thinking clearly, like now, I realize it's so much more productive to be excited about what I'm starting and looking ahead, rather than beat myself up when I fail.