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Wife will not engage...what do I do?

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by naughtynick, Jan 3, 2020.

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  1. naughtynick

    naughtynick Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone,

    So I'm 20 days in on my first attempt at dropping PMO. To be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

    A bit of my background...

    I'm 40, married with 1 child. I've suffered from DE since the very first time I ever had sex. Of course I was using a condom the first time I had sex, so that just made things worse. Was about 45 minutes of penetration before I blew my load - and only because the condom broke!

    As I said, I'm 40, so in the early days there was no internet porn - just VHS tapes, of which I didn't have many. So I'm not real sure that my DE is a direct result of porn use. I've NEVER had erection problems, regardless of how much porn I watched. The wife just has to kiss me and I'll bar up!

    So initially we had a decent sex life, but as the years went on she got more and more frustrated with my DE, taking it personally. It didn't seem to matter how much I explained that it was nothing to do with her. She's also pretty vanilla in the sack, which is another problem cause I'm a dirty bastard (I'm literally up for anything)

    Anyway, we got married and then started to try for kids. Didn't go well and we ended up going the IVF route...6 times! We eventually got there in the end but after 7 years of attempting to get pregnant through the good old fashioned way, 6 rounds of IVF and my wife having 3 operations for endometriosis, as well as her frustration with my DE, the intimate part of our marriage has been decimated.

    On top of all that, my wife has also been suffering from further endometriosis, had 9 or 10 collapsed lungs which she has had very invasive surgery for and is on permanent opioid pain killers for. Her pain is terrible. She also suffers from anxiety and is on medication for that, which also kills her all but non existent sex drive.

    She also now has something wrong with her vagina - she literally splits open with any contact. Seriously, it even happened last time I went down on her - yes, my tongue split her open.

    So all of this adds up to us not having had sex in nearly 3 years. In fact, I've had no sexual relief from my wife at all for nearly 3 years. She refuses to even give me a blowjob. As frustrating as no sex is, I can totally understand her not wanting to. If I'd been through as much as she has, and if my cock split open every time we fucked, I wouldn't want to either.

    But the part that really hurts is her refusing to give me any relief at all. She will not give me a blowjob because she 'doesn't like it' and it's 'uncomfortable'. I'm sorry, but this is total bullshit! I don't understand how she can say she loves me but will let me go years without any relief. That hurts more than anything.

    Suffice it to say, my porn use and masturbation has gone through the roof in the last few years. And yes, I am addicted, I know I am. But the thing is, what's the point in stopping? So I can have better sex with...who?

    I've been through periods before when we were still having sex when I've cut out the porn and wanking and sex has been quicker, but it has made no difference. The frequency of sex never increases even when I'm quicker to cum. And I'm at the point now where I've given up porn and masturbation...but for what? In the hopes that I MIGHT get sex sometime in the next few years, maybe.

    I'm fully on board with giving up PMO, but the point would be to improve my sex life with my wife. But if that's non existent, what's the point?

    To be honest, PMO never had any negative impact on my life other than my sex life. Sure, I needed harder and nastier shit to get off, but as far as impacting my life negatively - it hasn't. I work 50+ hours per week, train at the gym 5 days a week (and am currently in the best shape of my life - 6'2", 110kg of muscle) and have all but completely renovated our 2nd home.

    PMO is simply my only sexual outlet. It is my intimate relationship in lieu of one with my wife. I desperately want an intimate relationship with her, but she won't allow it. I really don't know what to do. I totally realise that PMO is fucking up my reward feedback loop, but if I have no intimate relationship with my wife whatsoever, what difference does it make?

    I have never cheated on my wife and don't plan to. I've pretty much just accepted that my sex life is over, which is pretty fucked up, bit it's just reality. I really don't know what to do. Anyway, just thought I'd share in case anyone else can relate.

    Penny for your thoughts?...

    (update) - So I told her just before New Years that I'd given up porn and masturbation and that I was trying to beat it. She seemed receptive. I told her the only outlet I would have from now on would be from her - which she seemed totally overwhelmed with.

    Anyway, 5am new years day she comes at me with a bottle of coconut oil...blowjob and a hand job till orgasm!! It was sooooo damn good and only took her about 15mins which I thought was awesome and I thought she would too. We did attempt sex, but once again she split open...so we carried on with the hand job. I was happy!

    However, it's now the 4th and I have not bothered her since that morning or attempted to get any action. This morning I woke up extremely horny and desperately wanted to wake her but let her sleep. When she woke she joined me on the couch and after a while I told her how horny I was. She just smiled and said nothing, kept on watching TV.

    Then, all of a sudden, she just blurts out - "This is not sustainable". I asked her what was not sustainable? She said, "Me being your only outlet, it's not sustainable". I just couldn't believe it. I'm just totally at a loss to understand this woman.

    For years she has complained that my taking so long to come was the source of all our sexual problems. No that I'm taking drastic measures to try and improve things, she tells me that it's simply too much effort for her to give me a blow job or hand job for 15 or 20 mins once a week or so.

    I mean, what the actual fuck!!!???

    The way she said it to me this morning you would think she's been giving me sex and everything else I want multiple times a day. But no, it was one hand job in 3 years. And this to her, is not sustainable. Honestly, what the hell am I supposed to think?

    Honestly, I think a lot of blokes would just be better off being gay. At least then you're dealing with someone with a reasonably logical brain and more than likely someone with a decent sex drive.

    I mean, how fucking hard is it to keep a man happy??? Keep our bellies full and our balls empty. Pretty fucking simple. But no, that's too damn hard!

    Sorry for the rant....
     
  2. Hey man. I can relate, to a extent. I think you and your wife are in a fairly extreme situation, but here's a few thoughts.

    Sorta the same here, never had erection problems. As with you, quite the opposite really. I do think the heavy porn n masturbation use kills the sensitivity in your penis though. It did with me and since stopping I have felt a big improvement, which it sounds like you have also.

    Again, yep I can relate here too. Although I think some of the extremes I'd be willing to partake in are from porn desensitization and twisting the things I'm turned on by. I was quite a dirty bastard anyway though so there's definitely a bit of that in there too.

    Well, sorry you did ask for thoughts, she doesn't HAVE to. My wife doesn't like it either, I've had one actual attempt at a full bj in 20 years together plus the occasional little mess about four a few seconds during foreplay. I love going down on her which is simmering she's only recently been comfortable with. She's just not comfortable with oral sex at all mostly.

    That been said, she does give a good hand job and will "help me out" with that occasionally. We have sex maybe 3 times a month, so I do appreciate the situation your in its massively different in that respect.

    As you've said, it's understandable from the issues with getting pregnant, health problems, medication and sexual function for her, that her libido is non existent.

    I am quite shocked at this though, however my suggestion would be to use it as the starting point for communication with her about the problems and your feelings. Cliche thing that communication is the key to it all but I think in your case this is absolutely true. You seem to have a lot of resentment for your wife, which I can understand where that feeling of frustration and anger is coming from. But if she's picking up on that too it's not productive to an open way of fixing it. If she's not in the mood would she be up for taking dirty while you got yourself off etc etc. Means your still engaging together. Things like that you could only bring up from a positive mindset on both sides. At present I'd guess your both in a bit of despair.

    May be that you both could do with some professional help on it. It's a very complex scenario.
     
    marr708 likes this.
  3. Wow. What an amazing story. I’m sorry to hear your partner has physical difficulties.

    i saw a comedian joke that marriage vows were first written over 500 years ago and never have been updated. To the men’s chagrin... They are designed to give woman security.

    The “you are my only outlet now” line is a cleverly disguised manipulative tactic though. Lol.

    i used it too man. So no judgement from me. I tried it a few years back.

    it just means that she is now aware you are leveraging her to ease your pain. In this scenario sex is selfish, not selfless. You want your needs met (ok— makes sense), but you are not supposed to be an independent entity of your wife. You are supposed to be connected to her needs and she connected to yours. Sure she is denying you... but you shouldn’t have to SAY that to her. She’s got much deeper things blocking her connection to you and that prevents her Willingness to bend the knee... (figuratively speaking).

    Mind you... we commit to marriage and agree that it is supposed to be selfless going forward.

    if you want to get your O,you obviously have choices but I’d say If you want to honor your marriages you don’t really have many good choices. Just suffer with her. That’s empathy. That’s love. Love and intimate connection trumps sex. It’s why when she kisses you you stiffen up. That’s a great thing by the way, congrats.

    i say this because of what the “vows” are supposed to mean.

    It will be hard to see our own issues early on in abstention, that’s just the nature of the brain fog beast. But you can abstain with her. Whether you want to or not is your real battle.

    it would blow her mind if you tell her you will wait for her hand and hold her hand while you say it.

    women with other medical conditions (Cáncer , etc) often feel at their most vulnerable when they know they cannot fulfill the desires of Their partner.

    I’d recommend a good team sport while you hammer out a new lifestyle.

    If you don’t find a stop-gap measure, resentment can become the step before finding a “new outlet”—- whatever that might be , a fwb, or porn goddess, sexting, etc.

    i feel for you bro. You aren’t alone. I have had over +2 year without sex with my wife. And she opposes blowjobs on religious reasons which I completely agree is bs. Our therapist said he had a couple stop having sex for almost 5 years. The guy was convinced he was gay at some point. It was the most extreme I have encountered.

    i think there’s a guy here who has experienced something similar If I’m not mistaken @mrtumnus—-

    But it’s something you are both designed to overcome. Patience my friend.
     
    Deleted Account, Joe1023 and marr708 like this.
  4. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    Okay, so I’m not going to be your biggest fan here, but you’re not even three weeks in and you seem to basically be hating on your wife because she won’t give you sex despite the fact that she’s dealing with extremely medical issues, your DE, AND your addiction, and probably BT as well.


    Do you remember your wedding vows? Do you remember what you vowed to do for her?



    Great point, BUT…..



    Have you ever discussed openly, and more importantly, respectfully, with her what you’d like and what the two of you can do together to meet your needs? Because to be brutally honest here, from the tone set in this post, it sounds like its probable that since she can’t have actual sex, you may have asked her to go down on you, she said no, and you suddenly feel like a prisoner being held in an abusive marriage.


    Sooooo you’re NOT on board with it is what you’re saying??? I would say that talking to a CSAT and/or sex therapist would be VERY beneficial to you both. IMO, you two absolutely HAVE to find common ground to meet on, otherwise your marriage is doomed, period.


    Just my two cents though. I wish you two the very best of luck!
     
    marr708 and akitty820 like this.
  5. I use to be you. Count how many times you say me, I, mine, I’ve. Welcome to the beginning of your road to a new self discovery. Just in time old man (I’m 43)
     
  6. My wife also has endometriosis but thankfully not as bad as your wife at this stage. I hope you appreciate how shitty it is and how much pain it causes her. This is before taking into account the other medical conditions your wife has.

    As my reboot has gone on I've become a lot more sympathetic to that and tried to do my best to be a supportive husband. My wife has said it quite bluntly, she doesn't want to be ill, she doesn't want to be married to a PA or having to deal with me having DE. I'd imagine your wife feels pretty similar. Focus on non sexual intimacy, show her that you love her and that she means more to you than sex or a source of O. To reiterate what other posters have said, talk to your wife about this. The best person to talk to about marital stresses is always the other person in your marriage!
     
  7. naughtynick

    naughtynick Fapstronaut

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    Hey everyone,

    Thanks for all your responses.

    But I'm a bit confused to be honest. Prior to the handjob I got on 1 Jan, a few days ago, I received ZERO sexual relief from my wife at all for THREE YEARS and barely complained about it. For a day or 2 every 5 or 6 months I got the shits with her, but other than that I never mentioned it.

    I'm a little bit confused how this makes me intolerant. I don't know many other guys who would put up with it as long as I have. In fact I have spoken to no one who has said anything other than the opposite, including women.

    I honestly don't know how more supportive of her I can be.

    Clearly she has built this up in her mind as a big issue, but to me it's just frustrating. Every day she spends hours cleaning the house and running her business but spending 15mins jerking my dick is too much to ask? I'm sorry, but this is nonsense.

    My God, if wrapping my hands around some part of her body and jerking it up and down for 15 to 20 mins every few days was all it took to make her happy if be laughing.

    I don't know what else I can do to show her she's more to me than just a sexual outlet. I constantly run errands for her, constantly compliment her, always try and kiss and cuddle her, give her massages, work 50 plus hours a week to provide for her and occasionally go down on her (when she lets me and ALWAYS unreciprocated) and all without any sexual response. Not sex, not a blowjob, not a handjob - nothing.

    I try and talk to her about it without getting angry and it just turns into a blame game.

    Honestly, exactly how many years must I go without sexual gratification from my wife with barely any complaints before I'm justified in being upset? I'm nothing but supportive and compassionate towards her and it gets me nowhere. Not that my reason for being compassionate is to get a reward, but seriously.

    To be honest, all I want is some close physical intimacy with my wife. The other month she allowed me to go down on her (for which I received ZERO reciprocation ) and I was on top of the world for a damn week. I just want to be close to my wife.

    What is a marriage without physical intimacy? It's simply a friendship. That's all. I don't want a simple friendship, I want an intimate relationship with the woman I love and the mother of my child. And that doesn't even mean sex.

    Is that too much to ask?
     
    marr708 likes this.
  8. CTRL + DEL

    CTRL + DEL Fapstronaut

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    Yes. It is.

    Visit a sex therapist for your situation, because as much as I would like to spend an hour typing up exactly why sex for your wife is like making an obese man run a 5k, i just don't have it in me to do so.

    Please seek professional help.
     
  9. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    Dude, you need to just stop, and I'm not kidding. You're BEYOND deluded and I could not possibly be MORE on the side of your wife despite not knowing anything about her or your marriage other that what you've spewn out here of what you're completely oblivious to.

    First off, I have ZERO idea why you're even asking if what you want from her is too much to ask. You've CLEARLY decided that its not, and that she is so far out of line, there should be a law against it. You truly sound like one of those arrogant dudes who tell this story like its a male version of the Cinderella story.

    Your arrogance is beyond obvious in the Fantasizing and flirting in marriage thread, where you talked about how you never cheated on anyone you were in a relationship with, despite having drunk horny women wanting you to take them and basically have your way with them. You then went on to brag about having never cheated on anyone, but that you had plenty of chances to do so. Are you so self-centered and arrogant that you don't think a porn or sex addiction is cheating in any way to anyone? Or is it just that since you don't think its cheating, then no one else should think so either?

    You say that every single day she spends hours cleaning the house and running her business. How much of that do you volunteer to help out with expecting nothing in return for? I would guess that you're wife, in addition to almost certainly playing the role of mother to you, has to take care of the house, and most everything else in your lives, and is also has major BT. It sounds like she has basically all but shut down completely to you and your ONLY concern in this is not her well-being or mental health, but the fact that she doesn't want to have sex with possibly the most arrogant and self-involved dude on Earth, her own husband.

    Your counter is at 20 days right now, and I'm wondering what the longest amount of time you've genuinely gone without P, M, or O in the last year has been. Or the last five years. You seem a lot like someone who has hidden and lied a LOT to his wife, and if you're not still hiding, lying, and deceiving, you've probably done it for so long, your wife doesn't know any other way for you to act. And apparently you're BI now too and you think your wife suspects that may be the case. Do you seriously think on top of running her own business and taking care of the house that she wants to have sex with you?

    If you really want things to change, I mean SERIOUSLY change for the better, you need to take a SERIOUSLY hard look at yourself and the choices you're making in life, my friend. If you're not in therapy with a CSAT to improve yourself, (NOT to show her you're making an effort!) then you shouldn't expect anything to change. If you want to improve your marriage, show your wife that she can trust you. Show her a man who will stand up for her, defend her and protect her at all costs, and who will never expect anything in return for it. Show her that you fully understand that your addiction is your fault and a result of your own bad decisions and that you're more than willing to do anything and everything you can to spend the rest of your life making it up to her. Show her a husband who will never hurt her like this addiction hurt her ever again. Show her that people can change, and that you desperately want to change for the better. And don't tell her you're changing, show her the changes you're making with the decisions you're making to improve your life and your marriage. Go to weekly SA meetings, get a sponsor, get some AP's and some accountability (as much as you can!) start watching videos for sex addicts. The youtube channel called Affair Recovery is fantastic and they have a LOT of videos! (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeneINV1yWUhjo1xCjz099Q/videos)

    If you're mad at me for writing this and refuse to take any personal responsibility that you've made some horribly bad decisions in the past, then I'm afraid that there is literally no hope for you to ever become someone your wife will ever be happy with or be proud to have married. Let alone want to have sex with.

    I hate to be so rude and insulting, but it is clear that you have zero idea what's going on and I don't think there's any way you'll ever see it without saying it this way.
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2020
    akitty820 likes this.
  10. naughtynick

    naughtynick Fapstronaut

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    You're right about one thing. You know nothing about our marriage. You have no idea the lengths I go to helping her in all aspects of our life and neither ask for or receive anything in return.

    Thats my point. I don't do things just to get sex, but I don't think more than once every 3 years years is being too arrogant or demanding. What is a marriage without intimacy?

    I hardly ever mention it and very rarely get upset about it. I work 50+ hours per week and when I'm not at work I'm renovating our house, mainly to make her happy as that's what she likes. In the little spare time I I have keep myself fit at the gym.

    For your information my porn/masturbation only really started after health problems with my wife all but prevented us from having sex. What am I supposed to do - go completely without release? I don't even get angry that we can't have sex, it's not her fault and I've told her that repeatedly. But there's other things we can do but she refuses because "I don't want to".

    I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. Your own post says as much and you don't even see it. You lay out a whole host of things that I need to do to be a good husband, but my wife performing the most basic of martial acts is too much to ask and I'm being unreasonable?

    Get a clue dude.

    There surely are a load of things I need to work on, but so does she and I do not accept that it's all my fault. I know this because I know my wife, our marriage and our life...and you don't.
     
    Flaumann and (deleted member) like this.
  11. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    Wow. So you basically just described yourself as being a perfect husband in every possible way and described your wife as selfish and cold...you know, the way you sound every time you post something.


    First off, giving you a blowjob is nowhere NEAR the most basic of marital acts. Your misogynistic comments here, and on other posts, are sickening and stupid....unless she added that into her marriage vows. Did she, by chance???

    Second, you're looking at all the things you think your wife is doing wrong, and you don't seem to be even considering your own faults. And with no personal knowledge of you or your wife, I obviously can't prove that you don't do all the stuff you claimed to do, but with those brainless comments you've made, I'll never believe them. No one who would actually do all those things would be so selfish as to expect what you are almost demanding from your wife.


    Do you accept that ANY OF IT is your fault though? Because it damn sure doesn't sound like it!! And since you're so perfect and she's so worthless, I wonder what she would have to say about this post? Is she on the forum here? Probly not. She's probably too busy working while you're on here bitching that she's not going down on you.
     
  12. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

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    I have a couple questions, does she know about your porn use? Did you tell her or did she catch you? This can really impact a woman with her desire to be intimate with you. And yes, a hand job is intimate. I, do not think it’s too much to ask in a normal marriage. However, when dealing with pa/sa there is so much going on that is dysfunctional that many times the so just detaches. She may very well have deeper issues or she may just be completely detached from your needs because of living with a porn addict for so long.
     
    need4realchg and Joe1023 like this.
  13. I want to just say it again because it’s not ideal but you aren’t alone. There are plenty of sexless marriages. Not all happen because of PA. One book I’d cite is “sex begins in the kitchen” by dr.kevin Lehman. it’s a great read.

    The way an addict thinks is:

    “I have to have sex/pleasure”

    the non addict thinks:

    if I get to have sex that would be great.”

    For the normal person sex is a “relationship— treat”. For the addict sex is the whole meal.

    #dopamine101.

    i hate that some people here misuse your tracker’s time stamp. I try my best not to judge anyone bc the effects neurologically are not easy to explain , vary somewhat from person to person and the long term damage invariably is hard to accurately forecast or undo.

    Basically your Brain’s dendrite trees are layers of cranial forest that you need to prune, deforest and regrow from a healthy thought process. To grow a thought takes 21 days on average and a habit (second stage of thought, 60+ days) on average.

    Here in nofap we refer to the mental blocking accumulation as “ brain fog “ ....it’s going to be almost impossible to see past your own dick. It’s kinda the way porn use reprograms sex for addicts.

    sex wasn’t designed to be a selfish act but porn definitely was designed for that.
    @Lilla_My please feel free to correct any of my posts if I misrepresent or say something incorrectly.

    please write write write. Journal. Document your feelings. Engage your mind.

    It will help you. You will have to distract your mind as it is dedicated to sex.

    (Y)our penis is not your problem. It’s (y)our unwillingness to be patient with the hard parts of life. No running from life’s challenges. Let’s face them buddy.

    #noflaking2020

    Your mind is not your brain. One is an organ the other is your idea generator and consciousness.
     
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2020
  14. Flaumann

    Flaumann Fapstronaut

    @naughtynick Dude, I'm totally on your side. Your wife needs to work on this. A marriage without a healthy sex life is not a real marriage. That's it.
    There's much more to it of course. And many things are more important than sex. However, it needs a balance. And if sex or at least sexual stimulation is too much to ask for, something's completely wrong there..
     
  15. RDucky

    RDucky Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

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    Thank you so much for this.
     
  16. Joe1023

    Joe1023 Fapstronaut

    Ummmm.....you're welcome??
     
  17. Poor wife hope she recovers over time and get some life quality back. The way you describe the situation is like you are very early in to no PMO. The beautiful part in a relationship is not the fucking it is the being together and enjoy the nice time and share a smile. Spending hour’s in bed and just feel the body heat the breathing and enjoy the time. Sex is like the cream on the ice cream good but not really needed to enjoy it. I would not spend hours in bed with a friend and i would not trust my life to a friend. So marriage ist more den just get an O... hope you get to the point to see this otherwise you are still just an addict. All the best to you and your wife.
     

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