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Terrible at socializing

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by JensDK42, May 2, 2015.

  1. JensDK42

    JensDK42 Guest

    Hey guys, I need somebody's help.

    I am usually terrible at socializing, especially around new people.
    Yesterday I was at a party, and the only way for me to easy up was to drink. Heavily.
    I don't want to do that to have a good time. I can't remember half of the night yesterday.
    Besides, I don't think the girls applaud being totally wasted.

    So what can I do to become better at socializing, even around new people?
     
  2. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Yeah, I'd have to say I'm in the same boat as you. Very easy and outgoing around my close friends, but not that great with my classmates/colleagues and horrible with girls. Here are some videos and simple techniques that might help you -
    -
    Personally, pausing and asking questions has helped me the most. It's very crucial to be a good listener and be genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. If asking questions doesn't work (especially with new ppl they aren't willing to share a lot right off the bat), I start "Dribbling" as said in 1 of the videos and start sharing something I've done in the past days for example and ask for an opinion. Also it's very important not to impose your opinion agressively on the other person. No matter how "wrong" it is most ppl are stuch to their own opinion and simply won't budge, in that case just say I think X is good because Y and then lay your arguments, without expecting the other person agreeing with you. Of course paralingustics help as well, body language eye contact etc. etc. but are not crucial, we use words primarily after all. When you talk to someone they remember you by your words, on a conscience level and maby your energy on an unconscience level. I have to say this tricks have improved my intercations with my already known circle especially classmates/collegues but not so much with the ones I don't know. It's hard breaching the comfort zone with new people. + You can read all the books on communication you want but you must actually put yourself out there in order to practice. It's so easy to read it on paper but another thing is to realize it. A while back, I tried "hitting" on a girl and it went horrible, because I'm not used to doing it and was nervous. I didn't use any of these techniques and my mind went blank , which led to an awakward conversation and I just walked away... Practice and analyzing your mistakes with knowledge is key.
    P.S. Drunken courage won't do you any good... It's like PMO - an illusion.
     
    TheAKMan, Fapsman, firdi and 5 others like this.
  3. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    What are you thinking during those times? I am assuming you are thinking a lot of negative thoughts. So perhaps you are thinking "I feel so uncomfortable" or "I'm so awkward" or "oh no I don't know anybody here" etc. Does that sound about right? What if you became more mindful of your thoughts when socializing and replaced those thoughts with more positive ones. It will be hard to catch yourself at first but it will get easier. I find this works really well for me!
     
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  4. aakkss

    aakkss Fapstronaut

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    I know know it feels @Naikolai, I, myself have experienced the same except that drinking part. It's almost been 6 years since I talked to a girl. I always think that one day everything will become fine, I'll become more confident. But, believe me, that ONE DAY never comes.
    It is not going to happen on its own. You have to make efforts for it. BUT, tbh, I don't know what you have to do. What I can say is just Good Luck and let me know if anything works for you..
     
  5. justcauseiamnot

    justcauseiamnot Fapstronaut

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    wow, thanks for posting those video @fapequalsdeath , i liked the second video a lot actually, very informative

    i have found that listening is extremely important, pausing is very interesting and i think it is better with certain situations...

    for instance (regarding pausing), when you are talking one on one with someone its very beneficial,
    when your talking with someone who is calm and maybe not a big "chatter" then its really helpful to take a moment and organize something interesting to say.

    but when your at like a party or with a group of people, it can be hard to get a word in if you wait too long for a pause
    and if you are dealing with hyperactive people or "chatter" type people who talk a lot (and get uncomfortable with silence), and especiall drunk people.. then it can be really difficult to wait for a pause in the conversation.

    it can be frustrating cause i am naturally very calm and quiet, i dont like interrupting people but there are certain people that communicate by interrupting each other, nothing wrong with it but thats just the way some cultures do it.

    i guess im just saying that the pausing thing depends on the situation..

    very good point by @Limeaid i am also learning that it is very beneficial to have a positive state of mind and self image. its okay to say hey, i deserve to have fun and i deserve to be a part of this conversation too. Its a basic human right to have an opinion and share what it is, as long as its not anything too ridiculous.
     
    Limeaid likes this.
  6. ds112358

    ds112358 Fapstronaut

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    I was, and still to an extent am, in the same situation as you. Social life seems intimidating, and it's difficult to engage with people, especially those you don't know.

    After a lot of soul searching, I asked myself a question: "When did I set this limitation for myself?" Who is limiting you from seeking out a good social life, from talking to people at parties? It's no one else but ourselves. There was a time, probably many years ago, when we defined ourselves as socially awkward, or as people with social anxiety, or by simply saying to ourselves "I'm not that guy." Seek out the reasons behind why you set this limitation for yourself, and then start defining yourself as the person you want to be. Or rather, the person who you truly are.

    There is a lot literature and advice on how to overcome social anxiety, and I'm sure they will help. But we must dig deep to find the root of the problem before beginning to achieve a new standard.

    I'm saying this to myself as much as I'm saying this to you, so thanks for that!

    Anyway, good luck in your journey.

    DS.
     
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  7. Asgardian36

    Asgardian36 Fapstronaut

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    Hey fapequalsdeath thank you for Brian Tracey's Video it was really awesome.
     
  8. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

    Yeah, man that's called social calibration. We as people are social chameleons, for example - you go to your bro friend and you know start talking about bro stuff. You wouldn't do that with your mother, the use of words would be different and your energy and body language too. You've probably noticed that with different friends or group of friends how the interactions on different sides have different dynamics. A good communicator determines the type of interacation and character of the individual/s, and calibrates to it. Nor because he wants to please other people, but for the sake of having a more fruitful conversation and interaction overall. It's like you have to build a different bridge every time so you can put "yourself" to the other side and for the other people to come over.
     
  9. justcauseiamnot

    justcauseiamnot Fapstronaut

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    You know DS, I can't say how many times I have decided

    NOT to start a conversation with someone or
    NOT to talk to someone or
    Not to say something I should have said,

    just because i had that inner voice in my head saying

    "WAIT! your not that guy that starts conversations... remember, your that quite shy guy... thats your character dont break it!"

    until I realized that thats not me, i am who i am regardless of what i used to be or what i usually am. People can change all the time so you dont HAVE to be the quite guy all the time.

    most importantly i think its important to remember that you deserve to have the right to have your opinion heard and respected like any other human being...

    that was what i realized i struggled with making myself quite because i didnt feel like my opinion was worth as much as other peoples...

    now i realize that we are all equal and everyone deserves an opinion
     
  10. justcauseiamnot

    justcauseiamnot Fapstronaut

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    yes, i have not heard of that term social calibration before.

    but it is definitely true, maybe for ALL language, like writing for instance, its not about pleasing other people but it is definitely a calibration going on.


    as far as the other points go, definitely the dribbling and eye contact techniques he talked about are very interesting.

    I have been working on not giving short answers when people ask me questions, this kind of breaks down why you should touch on as many subjects as possible when your talking, that makes that chances of the conversation continuing much higher.

    and it makes the conversation funner, when you can see how someones statement can go in multiple different directions, its fun,
    (thats also when it gets harder not to interrupt someone)
    as opposed to someones making a statement that just kind of sinks down and you feel like your trying to pull the conversation along.

    and eye contact is still a huge issue with me, it just feels so awkward i stopped making eye contact years ago, but it does make sense how it can put someone off when your looking away while they are talking to you, i suppose thats why people sometimes think i don't like them when i am talking to them... haha
     
  11. With all due respect, you don't become better socially by reading on a forum. I'd argue it's hard to improve your social abilities even by watching tutorials on Youtube. The reason for this is that you're comfortable; there's no one judging you and it's a half-assed simulation of genuine human interaction.

    Like any uncomfortable behavior or new challenge that your brain is not accustomed to, improving social skills involves repetition. It's a lot of putting yourself out there and accepting the brutal, honest truth from people. And you're gonna get knocked down by chodes. And women WILL shit-test you. But that's life.

    To me, the fastest way to improve is the "baptism-by-fire" approach. Put yourself out there and feel self-conscious and uncomfortable. Just like riding a roller-coaster, it's scary the first, second or even the hundredth time. But your brain is good at adapting to things. It's not gonna be easy. But if you're SERIOUS about making new friends and perhaps even finding a woman, you'll commit to it.
     
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  12. Nofapspartn

    Nofapspartn New Fapstronaut

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    If you're looking for a good read, pick up "How to win friends and influence people" by Dale Carnegie. That book changed the way I interact with people and within just a week of practicing his methods I started to know how open people were becoming to me. Out of nowhere people just started inviting me to events and group conversations.. Well worth the read.
     
  13. Fapsman

    Fapsman Fapstronaut

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    This is my problem, I get so introverse and start thinking I have nothing to say that my mind is preoccupied and cant think of conversations to have. Its so hard to stop though, nofap has made it alot easier though after going hardmode
     
  14. Kiddy

    Kiddy Fapstronaut

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    I am introverted too. My wife is extroverted. She told me that she recently read a book called Quiet by Susan Cain. She said it's about the benefits of introversion and about how our society so strongly encourages extroversion. I didn't read it, but I appreciate the idea that my wife conveyed, that she appreciates and sees value in my introverted nature. One audiobook that I listen to over and over again is Mastering the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by the recently deceased Suzette Hadin Elgin. It has helps me to assess social situations that make me uncomfortable, especially when I get into a row with my wife. I have started standing up for myself, despite the discomfort and sense of guilt I get from it. And my wife has shown more control over her temper, I believe as a result of my improved reaction. The book also emphasizes the importance of non-verbal communication, especially voice quality, and shows how to improve it. For me, one very beneficial points is the emphasis on Miller's Law (from psychologist George Miller) which goes like this: "In order to understand what another person is saying, you must assume that it is true, and try to imagine what it could be true of." Sorry, not a good summary. I recommend getting the book from Audible because the first book is free with a 30-day free trial.
     
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  15. MichaelWright

    MichaelWright Fapstronaut

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    Hey I can feel you guys who have difficulty with this, I suck at social situations and have terrible anxiety if I know I'm going to be around a group if people in a few days even though I work in customer service where I see hundreds of people a day, actually talking and mingling has mostly been torment for me my entire life.

    BUT I'm finally starting to break away from that maybe just slightly and it's mostly because of a little advice I read online a few weeks ago, or maybe I watched it. Start by talking to someone else who is really quiet, that loner, the wallflower, just say hello, ask how they're doing. Second, keep looking for key words that you can use to keep the conversation going, try to listen and pick up on any words you can use to ask about or make a comment about.

    This has helped me a lot! Good luck!

    Aaron
     
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  16. TotalLifeChange

    TotalLifeChange Fapstronaut

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    I'd link to a few articles on my blog but I won't because some'll say I'm spamming, so I'll paste the basics right in here:

    The two basic rudiments you need to master conversation are just these two: links and threads. Let me explain.

    The Thread
    Threads are the different topics you talk about.

    When you are in a thread, you don’t have to change the subject every two sentences. Instead, you tend to go in depth, with a good balance between sharing your point of view on that topic and listening to hers (even casually asking for it).

    But also you don’t have to make a 2 hour dissertation about one single topic. If a better thread is brought in, you naturally change the subject and leave the previous thread OPEN.

    This is how you chat with your family and friends!

    Usually not with one, but multiple threads. For example: "This coffee is the worst thing ever, did you… God! —thread change— Look at the skirt that girl is wearing! —thread variation— Do you dare to wear that? Blah, blah…" You left the coffee thread open, and now if the current thread comes to an end, you don’t run out of things to say because you can come back to talking about coffee.

    So the subjects you talk about are the basic thread generators? In the example above, you can only talk about “coffee” or “skirts” or “wearing bold clothing”?

    Not at all! There’s a more concrete seed element that you can expand threads from. That is…

    The Link
    You can think of links as literally, the links you find on websites. Each link opens a new piece of content, right? Well that’s it. You can follow the links in your conversation to revisit or open new threads.

    As a conversation happens, both you and her are dropping tons of links. Take this simple sentence:

    “I love dogs.”

    It doesn’t get much simpler than that. Yet you already have two great links to talk about: love and dogs.

    Take love. Things you love, things you hate; things you loved; actions related or opposite to love, such as like, fulfill, loathe or hate.

    Take dogs. Why you like dogs, why you hate dogs, why you like dogs but would never have one, similar animals, the story of a friend and his pet rat, an interesting article you read about proper dog care…

    But also in the context and overall meaning of the sentence, or the way she says it: animals you love, animals you hate, pets you love, pets you hate, and so on. Anything you want!

    [...]

    The hidden link
    Like the title of a video game, there’s a hidden link. In the weirdest case (that will seldom happen now) that you run out of things to say, you can always turn to it: talking about yourself.

    This is just an analytic view of the basic rudiments to make a conversation flow, now you just have to practice in a relaxed way and start noticing how you already do this with your friends and family. Hope it helps!
     
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  17. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    For me, I'll tell you my personal experience. I was mostly a shy kid growing up and didn't had many opportunities to socialize. I wasn't good with girls either, so sometimes I kept a things to myself. But I certainly had fun with them such as kick ball during recess or field day full of games and activities. In and high school and middle school, I was pretty much the same. I didn't had a girlfriend like most people, I was still shy even though I talked to some, and I didn't gain much confidence. Then I fucking dropped out of high school along with some other shit. My confidence was zero to none! I was now a shy loser. But things change man. Right now I'm college and I'm working.

    However, it took me 10 whole years from becoming a shy guy to a guy with more confidence. And that includes socializing. I highly recommend against going to a party or a bar to talk to girls unless you're with people you know. That can be very bad for socializing especially in your case and being drunk won't help either. Besides public speaking, going to a party without knowing ANYONE is one of the 5 top reasons that can provoke social anxiety. Are you in school? Do you go to a church or other religious place of worship?

    For me, I felt more comfortable socializing with new people (including girls) when I'm doing or participating in something that catches my interest. For example, besides going to my Buddhist temple, I joined a cross-cultural club that had college students from different countries. Even though my school had a great majority of white students (no offense) I was always comfortable in a educational environment and learning new things was big for me. When I joined the club, I felt even more comfortable and I took advantage of it. This helped me so much in my socializing because I had similarities, common interests, and so on. And guess what? There were girls! And I felt my confidence building up and I realized a few things about myself. I've noticed that even though I'm a shy guy, I'm able to make them laugh. One of my characteristics is that I'm funny.

    But for you, it could be anything. And if you're not comfortable with girls yet, socialize with people at your place of worship or at a nursery home or whatever. Just be around people in general, but you must put yourself out there and challenge yourself. For me, I did public speaking and I thought I would die. On the other hand, if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have known the people I've met. And it also gave me more opportunities to socialize. It takes a lot time and effort and I know it's not easy. Sometimes the things you fear the most can lead you to your biggest discoveries. I always a shy person, but I always had a lot to say. Even if you don't find the right people to socialize with or make new friends, take the courage to talk to them anyways because they could lead you to other people so you could socialize with them instead. You just have to make that first step. I hope this gave you some encouragement. Good luck bro.
     
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  18. transmute

    transmute Fapstronaut

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    Great post man. That Indian dude is funny haha, gonna check out more of his videos.
     
  19. Fapsman

    Fapsman Fapstronaut

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    You guys are the reason I love this forum! Everyone is so friendly and helpful and actually hears you out! Valued members of the community with great advice thank you very much
     
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