A question for men about checking women out

1. "Do you think your husband lusts after every woman he sees?" Yes. He's admitted in the past that he didnt see women as people, but he now denies even saying that and implies I'm crazy.

2. "A boner does not ONLY mean that, neither does a look ONLY mean he desires someone sexually." I know this already.

3. "What drives a man to look is the novelty and imagination". We agreed when we got together we wouldn't do this any more, and I stopped entirely. Why can't he? I don't believe men have an unstoppable need for this, I believe our sex fuelled world has led to this. I am quite highly sexed and refuse to cheat in this way, we agreed that we'd tell each other if anything like this happened and enjoy the thought together and I'd be fine with that and at first I did tell him everything. But when he told me nothing ever, I realised we had a problem with deception. Please be aware I'm only so bitter and angry about the whole subject now because of the sheer hell we've all been dragged through by him.

4. "Some women (here) believe it is possible for an addict to not do this behavior". I don't think that, but I DO think it'spossible for him not to lie. THATS the main problem I have.

5. Your mum and dads conversation sounds fine to me, this isn't the type of behaviour I'm talking about.

 

Thank you Tannhauser, I've been reading both those threads, thank you very much.

 

1. "I'd fantasize about friendship and intimacy" - when would you do this? At the time while your wife is present or would you think about her later on?

2. "what does he say he is thinking about?" -this is the most hurtful thing, he WONT admit to it AT ALL. He ever has. When I first found out about all this he denied it and eventually he had to admit to PMO, but he's never, ever taken ownership, acknowledges how much we've all been hurt as a family and he refuses to discuss it at all. He just says its behind him and says it made him feel dreadful but if I every try to get answers, he waves his hand and says things like "really? This was AGES ago (2017) are you still hung up on it. He doesn't realise that I know much, much more than he admits to and I can't bring it up because it'll show my ways to find out what's been going on. He dismisses my pain and anguish and makes me feel like I'm crazy for being so 'paranoid'. He's never given me full disclosure.

 

Megaman, thank you for you reply.

I am not dramatising this, we have suffered for so many years because of the dreadful moods and anger this hidden problem has caused. I would sit downstairs and see him on FB typing in names of escorts etc, all furiously denied. He has threatened to leave us over my 'unfounded suspicions'. I am a stay at home mum to young children and he is a good earner, I can't even afford to leave him. He had multiple bitcoin accounts and has lied about sooo much. I found he had a hangouts chat account that he hadn't told me about and I think he has a fake FB account but I can't prove it as any email I try with it brings up nothing.

He finally admitted to PMOing after years of telling me I was mental. We'd go for weeks without sex and his saying he was 'stressed' from work. He'd turn me down in the morning before work and then go and PMO in the loo downstairs - I'm not at all unattractive. When we did have sex, he suffered from ED and expected me to perform to sort that problem out before we had sex, which was awful because I know the reason why he has ED, even if he doesn't. The hurt is impossible to explain. He says its all in the past, but I know from things he's looked at that it isn't. After the admission things improved for a while and he became the lovely man he was when we first met, but we've had several lapses since (he doesn't know I know and I can't tell him I do because it'll mean weeks of awful behaviour and I want to keep it nice for the sake of my children.

I don't know if he's ever cheated, online or in real life. I know that on Christmas eve 2018 he was in a pub (which is also a hotel) for an hour when he was supposed to be at work. He was at work but left for that hour, was that a Christmas drink or an escort? Looking back over years I can see soo many red flags that I just didn't realise the significance of at the time.

The biggest pain is the fact that we won't discuss it. I can truly forgive him for it all, no matter how bad it was, but he wont let me because he won't tell me. All he admits to is looking at a few gifs - when I know it was a lot more than that. Before his anger got really bad we used to look at P together and so I truly believed he had no need of it.

Where we are now? Hes going through a 'nice' stage and I believe he's not heavily obsessed like before, but I suffer terribly as I'm desperate to know what went on. He insists he doesn't look any more but I can't see how someone as heavily into it all as he was can just quit like that, so I can't believe it.

 

Thank you Stag. Do you get an erection from the ogling, or is it a simple glance that provides the hit? I ask because you mention edging ....

 

Lilla, thank you SO much, you're completely right. It's respect for him and our relationship that stops me taking any thought further. I'm just so so so sad that the man I truly believed was my soulmate has chosen to do this to us. I'm not a boring prude, before I found all this out we watched P together. Now I can't bring myself to even think about it, I feel numb.

 

Megaman, thank you. Your reply made me cry. I read it before but I read it again today after another incident. We are staying at his grandmas house and are downstairs. He went upstairs today and normally calls me to 'hurry up' because there's something we need to do .. however today, he went and no hassling shout down, so my alarm bells went off. I heard the toilet flush and so I popped my head upstairs, his grandma was sitting peacefully at the table, so I knew he'd been in the loo. Intuition kicked in and I KNEW he'd been PMOing, so I caried on upstairs and said, oh why not use the loo downstairs?(no lock). He looked at me as if I was crazy and said something like wtf, does it matter where I go to the loo. Anyway, we went out. I knew for certain he'd done it (I can't say why in case he ever reads this) and I said calmly, why not just come down and do it with me, rather than alone in the loo? His reaction was awful - he went CRAZY. Shouting at me, saying I was crazy, he hasn't done it in years etc and how he's so fed up with my disgusting behaviour. Then he said a really weird thing and I can't believe he cant see how ridiculous it looks .. he said "Ak, I know you've got a keylogger on my phone because sometimes I search P, not to look at it but just to see if you've got a keylogger". He's said this once before lol. I haven't got a keylogger but now my 99% was confirmed, I asked "so today you did actually do a search for P in that bathroom then?" He hesitated slightly and said "No, not in the bathroom". I asked when then and he said, "erm, when I was going to switch the car on" ... lol. I said well I certainly don't have a keylogger!

Anyway, what followed was maybe 10 miutes of him shouting at me, saying hes done, hes leaving etc, which is pretty scary for me as he has huge earning potential and I have not much, seeing as I've been a stay at home mu for a few years, but I kept calm. Normally these outbursts make me think hat he's probably telling the truth because he's SO adamant, it makes me feel like maybe I am too suspicious, however, this time I was almost certain, so I calmly said, yep, this is how it goes, the man is so desperate to protect his lie and his habit that he'd rather lose his wife and children. I ignored his threats and told him to go ahead and do what he felt. He even said he'd leave the kids and never come back while he was raging.

After a few quiet minutes he said, ok I did do it, but not to P = "I went to the loo and it was up so I just quickly did it". Well, firstly, it wouldnt be 'up' if he was doing a no1 and secondly, the earlier ludicrous accusations of my keylogger and his defence about 'searching the word P to see if I'm keylogging made me realise he had looked at P at the same time. I said to him, still calm, You're so far removed from reality, you can't even see how CRAZY you sound! It was quiet for a while and he finally said he was sorry and he'll never do it again. He said he hasn't for about a year and I said, thats not true you we're doing it while we lived in X place and he said 'oh you're sure of that are you?' I just signed and said yes. Then he changed the subject and is now being quite nice and sweet again but I feel devastated. Its not the P or the M, its the LIES.

This is tearing us apart. I asked earlier why he didn't just come downstairs and do it with me or ask me to do something for him and he said he didn't know. I'm exhausted and I feel I just can't go on with him any more, if I had the money to escape, I'd have been gone ages ago.

 

You're tired? You can't imagine the pain you cause. I have a husband that I do everything for, We've been through so much together, children, houses, everything life throws at you, yet I don't know him. Every time he goes to the loo I wonder if he's meeting other women (because that's what it is), every movie is he thinking about the women in it undressed, is he on chat lines, has he visited prostitutes, does he think of your friends that way? Every time you're out you wonder what he's thinking about the women around you, is he looking at women while you're in the same room with your children? It's EXHAUSTING. I accept that it's so hard to stop, but it's possible to if you had an ounce of care and respect, dare I say it love for the woman who gave her life to you. Every time you PMO behind her back, every time you look at women in public in that way, you're betraying her and the love she gives so freely to you. Every time, you're hurting her all over again, even if she's unaware. How do you face her and accept the kindnesses and love she gives? Why don't these men do the decent thing and admit they're unworthy of the love she offers and leave and live alone where you can PMO yourselves into oblivion.

Sorry, but the pain I'm feeling right now outweighs anything. My whole life with him has been a lie.

Even if he admitted that he did this, and told me when it was about to happen I'd feel a billion times better. We used to look at P together, so WHY must he do this alone? Why must he sneak off to the loo, behind my back when I'd let him do it openly??? We don't any more because I just simply can't bear it.

No, he's not on here because he's not man enough to admit he has a problem, sadly.

He stole my life, years and years of it and he doesn't even respect me enough to admit to a problem.