MY JOURNEY: 3 YEARS OF NO PMO

Hello beautiful people. Like you,I came to this page seeking help on my addiction. It is through this only, I realized my ADDICTION was an ADDICTION, an addiction to which society is not open about.
Since, I got so much help from this page,I believe it is my duty to give back ,by sharing my story.
let me share my commitment: I AM ON 3 YEAR NO PMO.
After being a porn addict for 5 years, I finally decided to quit porn,so
First challenge, I took was of 100 days NO PMO in 2018.

Before this, My life was good,but degraded,as I was not performing upto my own standards and making mistakes like going into relationship just for sex(at least oral sex)

so,after making it to 30 days(nearly 30) of NO PMO, I was showered with great benefits:

• I was having morning wood(I missed it so much)
• I was feeling energized
• I was more focused and passionate about life
• and the best thing: FOR THE FIRST TIME, I FELL IN LOVE.

I was approaching day 60,when,while making out with my girlfriend, I had an orgasm,I mean ,she jacked me off.
BUT THAT FELT LIKE NIRVANA.

But I had relapsed. So,I had this bad thing that once I relapsed I thought I was on day 0, so,I fapped more out of guilt and shame.

This continued, THIS YEAR,life threw new challenges to me,(as it always does to all of us) one of the toughest one being : SEPERATION WITH MY LOVE,due to certain situations. (SHE IS ALIVE,just physically seperated)
But this was a big blow for us, and especially for me, so, LIKE TO ALL CHALLENGES OF LIFE, I HAD ONE SOLUTION: PORN AND FAPPING

MORE NUMBER OF PROBLEMS,HIGHER THE FREQUENCY. IT WENT ON AND ON.
But it made me worse and worse.

Everytime I commit to not masturbate, some temptation would come and I would convince myself that it is a healthy thing to do,blah blah... and after that fap more due to shame and guilt.
but this wasn't hard part;
Hard part was to feel that I WAS THE ONLY ONE FAPPING AND THE WHOLE WORLD SEEMED TO HAVE CONQUERED THIS.(WHICH WAS A BIG BIG LIE)

In between this,Out of frustration, I went into a hookup with a girl,who liked me, and I was so blinded by my lust,that I forgot that MY HEART BELONGED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

We made out, and after making out,I was surrounded by so much guilt that I was cheating on my love. AND I WAS WEAK ENOUGH TO SAY THIS TO HER as my genitals were feeling satisfied. I was living in guilt,But the great thing here was I DIDN'T FAP.
As I was getting DOPAMINE AND OXYTOCIN in real encounter.

But man, WHAT ABOUT GUILT?
I COULD NOT CHEAT WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE,even she is not with me now,or she is never going to know about this.
ONEDAY, I TOLD HER THAT I LOVE SOMEONE ELSE, SHE STARTED FEELING REJECTED.

TO console her ,I made out with her and then again guilt, I WAS TRAPPED IN THIS VISCIOUS CYCLE.

I FINALLY MADE A COMMITMENT AND SAID "NO" AND ENDED ALL THIS. TILL NOW, i had maintained a streak of 5 WEEKS(unconsciously).

After this ended, I started fapping as a celebration of taking a stand for myself.

(my gosh. what kind of person I am)

soon,it turned into an addiction.
FINALLY,on 8th december'19, I DECIDED TO END IT.
I STARTED NO PMO FOR NEXT THREE YEARS.

I DID IT SUCCESSFULLY FOR 3 WEEKS,but then, I relapsed. I BEAT MYSELF UP, I FELT SHAME AND GUILT.
BUT THIS TIME, I TOOK DIFFERENT APPROACH.
I searched everywhere,and realized that relapse can happen to anyone,but it doesn't take me to day 0. Instead of living in shame and guilt, I must be compassionate with myself.

problem is I THOUGHT OF RELAPSE LIKE THIS: SINCE I HAVE DONE A MURDER,LETS DO TON MORE,SO ,I CAN DIE WITH SOME PRIDE AND HAVE FRESH START.
BUT THAT IS WRONG, IF I HAD RELAPSED, I MUST STAND UP, DUST OFF,AND START AGAIN.

LIFE HASN'T ENDED AND I AM PROUD OF MY PAST STREAK.
ONE MORE PROBLEM, WHICH I HAD WAS THAT I WAS MAKING TOO MUCH BIG GOALS. I MUST BREAK THEM INTO MONTHS,WEEKS OR DAYS.

LIKE THIS TIME, OF 3 YEARS, I AM NOT SEEING IT AS NO PMO FOR 3 YEARS.

Instead, I have broken it down as 3 distinct years, tackling one year at a time.
one year is broken into 12 months, then I FURTHER BREAK it as seeing one month at a time. Further seeing at as 4 weeks and further as 7 days and lastly as 1 day each.

when i see it as one day each,ONE DAY is all I have to fight, then, I wake up without any burden of accomplishing such an gigantic goal.
when this pressure lifts up, I FEEL MUCH LIGHTER AND MY FIGHT BECOMES MUCH EASIER.

SO,buddies, I will be posting my streak and its respective benefits in this thread.

remember, FIGHT IT AS ONE DAY AT A TIME.
ALL THE BEST.

 

thank you spartan warrior.