I'm setting a nofap goal of 90 Days

I posted in the relapse section, you can see my story there if it interests you.

I am seriously attempting to quit porn. Tonight and tomorrow counts as day one.

I am done with the depression, anxiety, social and otherwise, the sexual thoughts, the absence of interest in sex, the objectification of social interactions into sexual realms.

I just want to live a normal life, be successful, actualized, wealthy, loving, loved, and healthy.

This is seriously impacting all aspects of my life, and I'm done!


The nature of the challenge is to not look at porn, and to not masterbait for 90 days. Since I am in a commited monogamous relationship, I will have to continue having sex to meet my partners needs. I will have to do a reboot without her support, because she doesn't take this seriously, and discriminates against porn as a problem, and is ashamed that it is a problem I have.

So this is private, she doesn't know about this.

I am doing this with you guys, with this community, and hopefully one day I can talk about it openly with my girlfriend, but for now, she isn't able to understand.

 

Thanks for your response Ogikubo,
I feel your struggle my friend. I hope you find a solution as well.

 

Day 2

Symptoms: Fantasizing, Lower Libido, Urges to watch porn

Motivations:
Image
Desire to make a professional out of my self
Desire to cultivate profound skill in Martial Arts
Desire to work to be highly educated, disciplined, and easy going
Desire to develop highly Socially, and emotionally
Desire to make a positive impact in peoples lives
Desire to travel and have a very exciting life

Necessity to seeing those things happen:
To let go of the thought that I'm leaving something behind by becoming a better self.
I need to leave this bad habits behind.

 

Onto Day 7 Morning

Symptoms of this Morning:
Noticing the beginning of an urge as I scroll through facebook, and which is why I'm writing this Forum Post,
Noticing an over arching Apathy, Cognitive Slowness, a Sort of Arousal Flatline, and a Tiredness (didn't sleep well last night, muscles seemed to be in a tension state.) Premature ejaculation (while making love with my partner) Which is not normal for me. And a kind of peeing problem. And I've been feeling kind of depressed, and also, drawn to videogames.

My relationship intimacy has declined since my 4 day relapse. The emotional symptoms, the flat line, and neurotic symptoms happened immediately after my relapse. The last 11 days have been a recovery from that day.

It is incredible how much of an impact one relapse has on my life.

Today:
I've not been working, this entire month has been short on work, so I've been at home, and occasionally, at the gym.
Today, since I'm at home alone all day, and am feeling the kind of stimulation one feels when they want to watch porn, I am feeling it is risky. So I'm going to stay on forums, remember the big picture, and keep in mind why it's important to stay clean.

Motivations:
Image
Desire to make a professional out of my self
Desire to cultivate profound skill in Martial Arts
Desire to have energy to work to be highly educated, disciplined, and easy going
Desire to develop highly Socially, and emotionally
Desire to make a positive impact in peoples lives
Desire to travel and have a very exciting life
Desire to have exciting, intimate, sexual life

What I'm going to do today:

I'm going to do some Kidney Qigong, some Tai Chi, and some sitting meditation.
I'm going to apply for jobs
I'm going to gather receipts for taxes
I'm going to deposit money into my bank.
I'm going to listen to positive affirmations
I'm going to Advertise
I'm going to study some educational techniques and research blooms taxonomy
I'm going to play some Witcher 3
I'm going to cook dinner for my honey.

 

Day 13

So Far so good

 

Day 20,
So far so good.

Have been flatlined for awhile. Two Nights ago though I was okay. Got close with my partner. But yesterday was terrible. I felt so off my ball, and so off center. And I told my partner, and the shame, the shame of being jealous and needy was overpowering. Shocking. Today I feel a bit rough.

Don't really want to be around anyone, but I don't really have a choice -.- lol

 

Day 36:

I haven't watched anyporn in 36 days.
I have had sex, but I haven't watched porn.

I just started working a new job at a restaurant and I'm finding the woman sexy, and it's hard to take my eyes off some of them. I am excited in public, and found myself looking through a sex book about love with artistic hand drawings of stuff like the kama sutra. But I don't know if that counts as porn, as one might see on the internet.

It's been tough. It's really put my brain through the ringer, but I'm not working and I'm not playing games, and I'm finding myself doing other things now.

But unresolved feelings of anger and malice come through me, and it's not because of anyone present, it's the experience of my past, and the trauma I've felt from it.

The feeling of estrangment from others is very strong and i dissasociate often and it sucks but I'm hoping when things improve financially, I'll be able to invest in a healthier diet, and more exercise, and i'll have more energy to go out on hikes, and do things in the community. It's difficult sometimes to look at the bright side because I'm like this everyday, and even at work is it so difficult to connect with people.

I thought it was other people but its me.. I thought it might be because I have a metaphysical understanding of the universe that other people rarely experience or grasp, and that because I can only relate with higher thinking masters students or people who have broad complex considerations but even then, I always find something to judge, envy, resent, reject or demonize. Its hard to look at myself and to look at others and think, maybe I have to bring myself down, to invest in pop culture, or to get involved in some kind of immature gossip circle, or to talk about tv or to focus on relationships. I find these things petty and difficult to relate with. I found them demonizable for some reason, and somewhat of a reason to ignore people in general. But I'm finding that ignoring people and finding so much to demonize really doesn't make my life easier.. It just makes it harder, and people who feel judged don't like you. It's also difficult to be encouraging because I always feel like people are just dumb or idiots... but then I have to look at myself and see where I am intellectually, or emotionally, or physically... and i see that I treat myself with such degrading and judgemental expressions that I'm actually not good enough for myself, and therefore no one is good enough for me...

Its really fucking frustrating that there is so much anger and resentment and fear inside of me, and also writing about it now is somewhat cathartic.
Today I stared at a bolt on the wall so I could practice focusing on a single thing, and i found that all the judgements i usually put on other people, or my experiences, I put onto this inanimate object which had no relation to me whatsoever. I could find something wrong with it. I could find a reason to hate it. In fact I could hate it without reason, and that was enlightening to me because it means that no one is causing these feelings in me... because I read that we need to take responsibility for our anger, so i thought that maybe this means that I'm taking responsibility now... because the things in my life that I need no reason to hate, and willfully seek reasons to be discontent with them, are all biological patterns which I've developed for the reason of feeling good.

For some reason it feels good to feel distanced to other people, even whne it feels bad. Having the ability to raise my chin and feel condension gives me the ability to feel superior, giving me a self esteem boost... but I read a quote the other day, which said

"I wish you so much self-esteem, that you are humble" and this stuck out to me because of the ability to be humble always struck me as something you were as a way not to upset others... i never actually thought of it having anything to do with actually being high in self esteem.... so I was approaching humility the wrong way.... it actually has to do with raising my self esteem in order to develop the ability to make room for others to be better than me...

But i have such low self-esteem that it is so difficult to allow people to be better at different things than me. I'm always putting people down in my mind, or covertly by being mean or by ripping people down with objections or reasons they should change... and I come up with justifications so that it seems okay... but Its partly because I don't feel anything... I feel so numb because I have so many memories that I'm blocking, because they hurt too bad and it keeps me from truly loving and feeling emotion...


Being filled with hate is so draining, and yet still had a sort of euphoria to it... a sort of malice which comes from the suffering of others.... like playing with food, or rubbing something it.... like a bully does, like people do when they hate eachother for something, or like they do when they want to be powerful, have control, or domineer over something.

This power I feel, I get it from malice, from being mean, from ripping into peoples hearts, and savagely sucking their blood, and expecting them to come back for more. I do it by playing a victim and being innocent and feeling incapable of doing anything, feeling overwhelmed by not knowing the way things work and how to succeed in capitalism, and by having anarchistic beliefs about the way things are and the way they should be...

My disatatistfaction comes out in malice, and this conditional love, this fury and trigger set, makes me unhappy, and it makes others unhappy, and it makes me feel like breaking things.. it makes me feel like smashing things.

I feel so angry at my relationships with my family, and the things I feel when not having money, being dependent, having a difficult time communicating, having a difficult time giving, having a difficult time making love, laughing, enjoying anything. It makes it so difficult to enjoy a memory. I was having a good memory today where I was dancing with my partner in the kitchen last night, and I felt good, but within a second I was filling the memory with fear, anxiety, dread, pain, which turned to a fear of loss of control, and then a flood of negative emotion like domineering, finding something wrong with the other, finding something to be better than, or to fear and run away from...

I see the painful connection between having good memories. Good memories are like little bubbles in the ocean which pop and are quickly replaced with the substance of fear horror dread, then malice, resentment, envy, shame, and guilt.

I really fucking hate this process so much, and thats another thing... I hate that I hate... I shame that I shame. I and guilty over my guilt. There are narratives over my narratives, and its alll a fucking shagging mess.

Anyways.... psobjoweghowipra
For me this is a great outlet... writing and putting things on paper.... like i haven't done this in forever... a word vomit, where the words just come out and theres no stopping it... I feel like this helps...

I don't feel as angry and the spirit of aggression is slowly being let go from my countenance, and my eyes... of which it is usually so visible, that i am angry, and violitile, and ready to explode, or just want to press on salty wounds and to channel my rage into something that I can feel....

Atleast writing about it gives me a sense that I'm doing something about it.

 

Day 64,

No noctural emmissions,
however fantasizing like crazy
and can't stop noticing beautiful woman
dealing with the pornographic mind

 

Day 68

Noctural emissions last night. Disturbing Dream.
Tired today, exhausted