Dealing with mental illness

I haven't talked with any family members in person in a while. What I really didn't need is that someone decided that it was ok to tell my mom exactly what happened. I dont think they are allowed to do that. Now I dont want to talk with anyone over the phone. I dont want them to bring that up. I dont know if I can handle Christmas since my mom always tells everyone.

I am going to bring it up with my psychologist. I have no idea who talked with my family about it but that wasn't ok.

I was kind of forced to go back to my apartment today. No idea why they think that is important. I was about to pack my stuff and leave the whole institution. Easier said than done. Legally they cant really force me to stay here but its in the middle of nowhere so its not like I can go anywhere.

They explained to me that I have something called high EE today. High emotional expression or something like that. When they apply pressure on me like they did today I usually loose my mind. No idea why they keep doing it. They say it is for my best but I'm seriously not ready to take it at the moment.

They explain that I am making them a threat when they are just acting normally. I have no idea what they are talking about. To me it feels invading. I dont care what they say. I just see monsters shouting and screaming at me.

 

I was just there to clean up my mess after the weekend. I really didn't want to go back since the last thing that happened there was me trying to kill myself less than a week ago. They want me to practice on staying in the apartment so we did that. I didn't see the point other than it stresses me out. We drove back to the institution shortly after. It seems like I have no control over what is happening here. They talk about plans and how important it is that I follow their plans. Its not my plans though. I didn't ask for all of this. I dont need to train on living in my own flat. I am quite pissed on them. I said I wanted to go to my flat without them but then they asked if im going to hurt myself again. I am supposed to leave this place 13th of January. They are not threating me like I am going to leave on that day. It seems more like they are planning on keeping me for 5 years or something.

 

I notice that I am so frustrated all the time. I try to convince myself that I should just surrender and start cooperating. Do everything they tell me to do and see what happens. But at the same time I am pretty afraid. I dont want to give away too much. I am afraid of the day I am back in my flat without any support which is soon. I struggle to understand why they wont give me any more time to recover. I think they are bluffing but I cant be sure. The uncertainty is killing me.

They are preparing me for the life on the outside. I need to feel secure to cooperate. Now they are just triggering me way too much. In a way it seems like they gave up on me since I wont cooperate. Its a double bind. I wont cooperate because I am afraid that they will throw me out too soon but the message they get is that I am just lazy or whatever.

They told me that I have a habit of being "active-passive". I spend so much energy on retreating into my shell that I dont have any energy left. They tell me that it is my own choice to get better but it doesn't feel that way. If they just gave me space and compassion instead of being so invading then maybe I would get somewhere.

 

Thanks for commenting It really helps. My conversations with my team are much less constructive. Probably because I am always in fight/flight mode when communicating with them. They have power over me in a way. They are not directly threatening to throw me out if I dont cooperate but I feel like they use it as leverage. To me that is just an upside down way of doing things. It makes me not trust them. I know I am traumatized and that I maybe get things the wrong way but I find it odd that they haven't got into my head yet and tried to understand my point of view after 8 months.

 

I am doing meditation and spiritual practices. Not related to any religion in particular. Zen, Taoism, new age stuff probably. My favourite teachers are Eckhart Tolle, Sadghuru and Osho. I am trying to practice it. In that sense this hospital stay is one of my greater challenges this far. It really forces all my weak spots out in the open. Forcing me to my breaking point.

 

10 more days in the hospital. No idea what I am going to do when I get out. I hate it here so not sure why I am so angry about them kicking me out. It is just that I feel like they never gave me a proper chance. They dont believe in me. They never gave me the space and support I needed to recover. They always pushed forward too fast and talked too much about deadlines. I was constantly reminded about it and it stressed me out.

The last 10 days is super busy. I dont understand why they are cramming up everything in the last few days. Seems like they did some poor planning and have to catch up before a deadline. A dozen meetings in the upcoming week. If I manage to show up to half of them I think I'm doing good. I dont want to talk with them anymore anyways. I'm sick and tired of them not listening. Just get the last days over with. I see no reason to cooperate anymore.

 

Thanks for hanging around So far so good with 2020. Clean this far. I always use the new year as motivation to stay clean. Its a tradition now. I think it is the 4th year in a row where I really go all in at the start of a new year. Made it 105 days once.

Good thing I guess is that I showed up to this place where I was supposed to test my abilities to take a real life job. It is supposed to last for a month. I was imagining getting put some place to do some shit job and eventually get a report. I need some sort of report to continue going on gov support but turned out I probably dont need to work at all. They asked me about my goals in life etc. Especially short term and they wanted to help me getting back into my biology studies. I have to show up to a few talking sessions then I'm done with it.

Also, my crush came back yesterday. Didn't expect her back this early. Its been a month so it feels awkward meeting her again just like that. She didn't seem to have a good day at all. I dont know what I feel. She was in her room most of the day and I just cant help but feel that she is mad at me for some reason. I dont want to tell her that I was having a really bad time when she was away and had a trip to the emergency psych unit. I hope she understands. Its not that I didn't want to stay in touch. I was just too busy with myself.

 

I dont care what you write I just like the company. Thanks for taking your time. She is here until friday I think. I think that she maybe just is shy. If I am going to invite her on a date later on I think I have to make her feel comfortable again. What we had a month ago has kinda died out. Even my emotions dont have a clue anymore. I am not madly in love or anything at the moment but I want to get to know her.

 

Started touching her again today. It was a little awkward the first few times but once she started touching me back it was all good. It was a good evening. We played buzz and sing star for hours on Ps3 The night watch got annoyed and shut us down at 10.30 pm.

 

Today was pretty shitty. Was in a shitty meeting and turned out most of the people wasnt prepared at all. I am leaving this place on monday. I feel ambivalent to it. I am just angry at them for always making a mess out of everything. It is probably better for me that I leave now but I cant help but feeling pissed at them for wasting my time. They are basically throwing me out without having fixed anything of what we agreed on earlier. I am sick of people just messing up. It would probably be better if I solved my problems on my own. I dont trust the healthcare system anymore. A bunch of lazy idiots. Next time im going to fix stuff myself. Next time I wont even seek help. I feel worse off now than what I did before I went into threatment. Only difference is that now I have a little less hope. Maybe my diagnosis is wrong. Right now I am getting threated for schizoaffective disorder. It seems like the entire recovery program is missing the spot. I just end up feeling like everyone is stupid. They must be. Took them 9 months to throw me out. They should probably have done it months ago when it was clear that what they did wasnt working.

 

No idea what I will do when I get out. I am going to get myself a cat and an aquarium. New flat. Next week I'm going to meet the doc, my new psychologist, physio therapist etc. A lot of stuff happening really. It all seems doable on paper but I know I am going to have a total breakdown soon. I am not going to be able to handle it. These people must be crazy. I took a toxic dose of pills just a month ago. They dont believe I'm going to do it again. They think it is my way of testing them or some bullshit. I wouldn't even believe myself if I told me that it wont happen again. Its not something I plan for. If I have a really shitty day and no one around to help me its going to end bad. Sometimes I get the feeling that nobody knows what they are doing. I piss them off with the way I deal with emotions and they react in a bad way because they take my actions as some sort of rejection. They have power over me in a way. They tell me to "behave nice or else.." . Threats never worked on me. I cant really control the way I react. If anything it just makes everything worse when people get angry or whatever. They dont want to help me. For them I'm just a pain in the ass.