Truth hurts vs Secret happiness??

Talk to a therapist before doing any disclosure, please.

Done badly this would just be damaging - for her and your recovery.

 

I have kind of a similar story. I have several issues from my childhood stemming from my sister and more from my mother. My wife knows about all of those issues and my addiction to porn. I've never seen or heard of a situation where it was better for an addict to not tell their spouse everything. I've never even seen or heard of a situation where the addict should've kept even one aspect of the addiction from their spouse. If your wife is "fragile" in the sense that she's been through some horrible traumatic experiences and this information may really hurt her or set her back in recovery she's already involved in, then yes, I would say getting some therapy first, and doing a facilitated disclosure would be best. If not, then its really up to you. Therapy guided disclosure may be best either way, or it may be better for you wife, depending on her personality, to do it now, just the two of you. You're the only one who can make that call, but I would say that its almost certain that you shouldn't keep any of it from her. Because I've never EVER seen or heard of a scenario where when a spouse (let's be honest, its usually a wife) finds out about her husband's secret addiction, it was better that way than if he had just told her to begin with. There may be some wives who have left a marriage/relationship because of an addiction or a reset, but there will always be a thousand-fold more who left because of lies and secrets.

 

Better a painful truth than a comforting lie.

 

I feel I could never be as close to my wife as I am now had I not told her everything.
I didn't tell her everything straight away because I did not know everything myself. It has come in waves spread over 4 years. I think we have got to the bottom of things now and I am experiencing a closeness I have never had with anyone else in the past.

 

I feel I could never be as close to my wife as I am now had I not told her everything.
I didn't tell her everything straight away because I did not know everything myself. It has come in waves spread over 4 years. I think we have got to the bottom of things now and I am experiencing a closeness I have never had with anyone else in the past.

 

I understand what you mean, I really do.....but your concern can't be for everyone else and what negative impact any of that may have. You need to be thinking about your marriage. Your wife needs to know. If you keep it from her, then create distance and extreme pain with her, and possibly get separated or divorced from her, would it be better, any impact you tried to avoid would be seemingly infinitely worse because your wife is now deeply wounded from not only your actions, but because you tried to keep it from her as well. If she finds out, what would you say the chances would be of still keeping that negative impact from happening?

Sounds like you may be just looking for any reason to not have to tell her, and trust me, again, I get it. But I'm telling you that this will be light years better if you tell her now than if she finds out on her own. I'll bet the entire farm, and the next 25 farms down the road on this! If only I could go back and have the integrity to tell my wife instead of trying to hide it and start to fix things on my own!!!!

 

Great advice here.☝️

#1 in my family we don't do secrets. It's not worth the shame and lies you have to carry. We do surprises, like a secret, only with a definite reveal date and the intent to enrich the unbeknown.

Is this really the kind of surprise you want to gift your wife? Rip it off quickly like a band-aid and go from there.

You want intimacy? 2 words:
Authenticity and Vulnerability

The sooner we bring those to the table the stronger the relationship. Besides we don't get to dictate or manage how someone else feels. No matter how well-intentioned it may be. Not letting her have truth, or feel what she should feel is emotional manipulation, if not abuse.

Lastly, you don't have to disclose to the whole universe. You made no vows to anyone else but her. Ask for her confidence to allow you to share with family etc, when you are ready.

I 100% get where you are coming from about not wanting to impact those around us negativly. It sounds kind and noble. But #1 people are already impacted we just don't recognize, and #2 hiding reality is denial and self-serving.

Best of luck @Jonnyb4